Been told my child is very weird and childish

[Gee54]

I don’t know where to go from here. I got told by a mum in my daughters class that people say she’s very silly and weird. My daughter is 10 years old. How can I fix this? Where to start from? She’s the eldest of 3 kids. I don’t want this to continue into secondary school. Not first time I’ve realised this but hearing someone else say it has upset me. I e spoken to her school and her lovely teacher but they all say it’s slightly immaturity but as a summer born (August birthday) it has been seen in others too. School don’t think it’s anything to worry about and the SEN lead observed her a few months back and said she’s fine and doesn’t think it’s anything ND related. It’s just hearing the mum say this today has upset me.

Lots of helpful advice here OP. The mum was rude, no doubt about that. Maybe she was genuinely concerned and repeated what her kids told her rather than say it herself but in any case, that's not important. Maybe this unpleasant interaction was a blessing in disguise. I have been teaching to kids of this age, and walking around saying "I like poop" isn't typical, and something I would nip in the bud for her not to be ostracised (kids can be cruel, esp at this age!).
What if you simply told her not to say it anymore, problem solved? She might need a clear boundary and more of a frame in terms of social interactions - what's acceptable to say, what's not. Maybe she's feeling a bit anxious hence is "playing up", trying to elicit a reaction in her peers. It is not very different from a kid being mischievious and silly during a lesson, with your DD it just seems to be verbal rather than behavioural.
I actually think, if you could afford it, that 1-2 appointments with a child psychologist would give you the answers you need.
There is all sorts of reasons a kid doesn't behave appropriately.

I also think the mum could have phrased it more diplomatically. Weird is never a nice word to use about anyone and the other mother showed a lack of social skills herself by phrasing it this way, for sure.

She could have said that OP's dd makes the other children feel uncomfortable and confused and that they don't relate to this kind of random and rather silly talk about poo so leave her out as they don't want to be mourned such nonsense. She could have said that op might want to work on her dd's boundaries and socially acceptable things to converse about.

I agree re other mum but I've observed with my kids and their friends that it's more accepted for people to lack empathy, express things somewhat insensitively but it is the acting in an unexpected way 'weird' that gets the most punishment, so making inappropriate jokes, singing, joking, fidgeting or laughing at the wrong time etc - these get the biggest social ostracism.

As a late diagnosed ASD woman, I think there is a strong chance of neuro diversity here. I was the weird kid at school that no one liked, no one thought about it because it was the seventies, I was otherwise kind and compliant, so I grew up thinking I was weird and dislikeable. Even my own mum used to say why can't you be more like x etc. look more into neuro diversity it doesn't mean that your daughter shouldn't learn to perhaps modify her behaviour a little but it does mean she will know why she comes across differently sometimes. Chances are she's not causing any problems for the teachers if she presents to them as compliant and ' kind' many Asd girls do, it means they don't get diagnosed as much as boys because they aren't kicking off and causing problems for them and so get dismissed.
As for the mum 😠

Yes, absolutely.

It is never right to call another child weird.

Some posters may think that this woman was doing the OP a favour by telling her that her DD is weird and very silly. I don't happen to think so.

The woman could have just mentioned that the child seemed a bit fixated on poo and was going around asking other children about it, did she realise.

But weird? An absolute no-no in my book

Presumably school has broken up now and she will be starting secondary school next term so too late to talk to her lovely teacher again about this.
It could be attention-seeking if the other children are unkindly excluding her from their friendship groups. They do tend to change friendship groups at secondary school anyway.

Best to observe her behaviour and, if necessary, ask for some professional help.

Buy your daughter some riddle and joke books.
Help her expand her sense of humour.

I just remembered that, as kids, my parents often asked us to tell them some new jokes that we'd heard as we ate around the dinner table.
I remember that was fun and funny. Maybe your daughter would enjoy that activity too.

Thank you so much everyone. Some really lovely advice given. I felt so alone and down when I was told this but I’m feeling more hope ful. I haven’t fully spoken to my DD yet as I’m trying to find a good video as someone suggested about social stories

Is that weird or is it just refusing to conform?

There's a fine line, isn't there.

There's also a spectrum of non-conformity - not conforming to social norms can make things difficult for you, not confirming with the law can land you in jail. So that's what she needs to learn really. Not that she's weird, but that complying with social norms can make life easier for you.

I was describing the behaviour as weird, @parkrun500club , not the child.

I feel sorry for kids reading this thread.

Many kids still laugh about poop at that age. Less than before but they still do.

Uour child isn't weird OP. People's expectations and need for kids to rapidly grow up is weird.

She will be a different child in 6 months. They change constantly. Be happy she's not posing for tik tok and pouting at the camera like some 10 year olds I know

God - tell the other mum to fk off

@Gee54 , I was an immature and slightly weird kid (also summer born and influenced by my dad's weird personality too!). I didn't really grow out of it until around 16 years old. I really don't think it's a problem as long as she has some friends (you don't say she doesn't?)

I think it just attracts nice, non-judgemental people into your life and keeps the "too cool for school" kids away, which is ideal during tween/teenage years really! Yes she'll probably receive some unkind looks and remarks from the nastier kids, but so does everyone at school. Bullies will find something to bully about no matter what!

I would embrace your daughter for who she is. Trying to force her to be something she's not will just cause her to feel shame and anxiety and won't allow her to form true friendships based on shared interests and personality. Of course she shouldn't be rude (so if she was telling other people they were poo or something then that would need to be addressed), but if she's just expressing herself unusually then that's fine. Much better to be confident in her own skin and attract true friends than to constantly be second-guessing herself and trying to impress/fit in. We don't all need to be identical robots!

Just my two cents based on my own experiences. (p.s. from around age 17 I've always been popular and had lots of friends/no issues getting a boyfriend etc, so my weirdness in childhood really didn't affect me long term. Think it made me confident and empathetic and that shines through).

Thanks for the miss quote by everyone I meant some. I didn't mean that everyone doesn't like the child. How could I possible know that.

It wasn't a misquote. You meaning something other than what you said is your issue, not the readers 🤣

I usually put this in context of if she was a boy would people think it so weird? A ten year old boy laughing about poop - immature but I would imagine some of his peers would think he was hilarious/class clown, but for a girl it just isn't seen as acceptable, it's a double standard and it's not fair.

It will be really difficult for your daughter to shake the way she is viewed by her peers at this age/stage and I'd get the teacher involved ASAP to help team her up for group work with empathetic children, as well as teaching her about acceptable conversations in different environments - i.e talking about poop at school no, talking about it at home, in nfddd fine - just as we all have to learn what is acceptable in different environments. I'd also try and set her up with some one to one playdates at yours with empathetic children and mums.

I'd get the teacher involved ASAP to help team her up for group work with empathetic children.

I don't think this is the very best idea. Poor empathetic children.

Asking empathetic and likely sensitive children to be paired up with a child who ignores normal social boundaries for their own hilarity will not be a positive experience for said empathetic children.

While OP's dd is getting to grips with learning not to say tada, poo, haha all the time, they are supposed to handhold, be accepting and ignore that this is the opposite of empathetic behaviour? 🙄

Better to pair her up with the tough, resilient children who don't care so much what others say or do and who are less likely to feel weirded out or uncomfortable.

Edited to add: boys in year 6 who go around making silly poo jokes about poo are also seen as weird, at least by the girls.

Tough and resilient doesn't mean they also aren't empathetic as well, my point was to get her slowly mixing in with the class instead of being ostracized.

Is she bothered by not having friends, or is she quite happy in her own little world?

She’s quite happy. I do see her at times looking at the other girls and smiling. I think she really wants to join in. Few months back the girls in her class were doing a little dance in the playground during pick up and I saw her looking at them. I did ask her if she wants to join the class they do (I know the mums and they told me it’s a dancing class they do on weekends). She said no she doesn’t.

edited to add: not all the girls it was just 2 from her class and another from the other class

Are there any other classes she would like? It can be a good idea to look a class for something she is interested in, so she makes a few like minded friends perhaps?

Does she it want to do the class as she's not interested in dancing, or, she thinks they wouldn't want her to join?

She has joined classes/clubs in the past like karate and swimming but gets bored really quickly and wants to stop after a few sessions

Don't let anyone dull her sparkle ! She should be weird and silly for as long as possible they're only kids once !

Yeah as audhd I joined swimming, guides, clarinet club, drama club, and many more lol

sounds like there are social communication issues there, if not ASD (as others have said).
teachers don’t always spot ASD especially in girls where it can present in a more subtle way but come to light as social interaction becomes more complex around age 10. My dd is autistic but school never said a thing about it, I just saw some issues myself and had her assessed. She was able to blend in relatively well at school but there were issues that as her mother i spotted more and more. school just saw her as a little quiet. There was SO much going on behind that quiet facade, a lot of struggles and a lot of confusion in her as to why she felt so different, she began to feel increasingly anxious and overwhelmed. The diagnosis has given me a framework with which to understand and support her for more than I did before.
it sounds like your dd is a little lost, trying to make friends and be funny but struggling as to how, and striking an odd note with people as she’s getting it wrong. The recommendations for SALT are good and they may help you have more insight into her struggles. Good luck!

Poo jokes - yes, they might be seen as funny by both boys and girls if they were once-offs or genuinely funny.
Example -
Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick.

Approaching children and saying "I like poo" is not a joke. It is not funny. It has alienated the girls in the class. It would make the boys look askance at her too.

It is not a "double standard."