I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

I'm not what I thought I would be either, in my head is was all cuddles and bedtime stories, me lovingly cooking a meal as they sat at the kitchen table doing their homework.

The reality...less bedtime stories, more wrestling and charging around like maniacs. Meal times are less lovingly cooked and more cooking any old thing they will eat and we don't have a kitchen table, it's in the lounge which isn't the same.

I definitely don't have the patience I thought I would!

However that was a fantasy based on unknown children. Mine are like the energiser bunny on speed and it's exhausting but they are mine and we muddle through the best we can.

The toddler phase is physically relentless and trying to hold down a decent job as well must be tough but you are doing it and you are getting through each difficult day. You might not be the person you thought you would be but it doesn't matter, you are doing the best you can and that doesn't mean doing it all like Mary Poppins. She never has them forever anyway and she's magic so of course she's amazing.

It gets easier, it gets harder, it gets different but one day they will (hopefully) become functioning adults and you will miss some of these days. Not all of them but you will look back and shake your head and smile and wonder how you ever got through the day when they were being absolute horrors.

You are doing great.

If it's any consolation, I found the baby and toddler stage really, really hard. It's so intense and your life revolves around this little whirlwind. I was really glad to go back to work when my maternity leave was over. It was such a relief to think about other things and chat to friends at work etc. Life got so much easier when my DD could talk and tell me what was wrong with her, instead of me trying to guess what the latest crying episode meant. And DD had reflux, so at one stage I felt like I was constantly cleaning up baby puke. There was a bit of a Groundhog Day feel to it all.

The childhood years were great and the teenage years have been pretty easy. Only thing about the teenage years is that they need a lot more emotional support - friendship issues, school issues, work issues etc. But they're so independent - they can shower themselves, feed themselves, cook their own meals, do their own laundry etc. And of course, they have epic lie ins. That little baby is 19 now and she's great company. We go shopping together, watch TV and movies together, go on holidays together etc. We have really deep discussions and make each other laugh in a way I could never have imagined when I was wiping up yet more baby food off her high chair. We have singsongs in the car. I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. Just to let you know that there's light at the end of the tunnel, but you're in the darkest bit of the tunnel and can't see that light yet. You're putting in a lot of work but not reaping the rewards yet.

Is there anyone who could take your toddler for an afternoon (or even better, an overnight), so you could go off and do some shopping or go to the cinema or whatever you fancy? Do you have a husband/partner who will stay home with your DC while you take yourself out for the day? I found that really helped to re-charge my batteries.

I think different women enjoy different stages more. I’ve had loads of friends hate the toddler bit but love the newborn stage. Some found newborn bit boring and draining but loved parenting their toddlers. Some prefer older children! You’re in the difficult bit right now and it’ll be easier as toddler grows and gets more independent.

And yes the poster who said you’re always having to be there.

I can’t really comprehend the idea that I can’t actually switch my phone off, ever, unless dc is next to me. Which is essentially the same thing.

Mine is 5. It's a different kind of shit. I miss my old life.

Some of us are just not that well suited to the baby/toddler years.

But it just gets better and better from there, and in no time you have these really cool people that you love to hang out with (when they're not off doing their own thing, which they do a lot!)

Hang in there.

You are explaining a common life with child. Do you spend a lot of time on Instagram? That rubbish can really fuck up your expectations of reality.

In my opinion, you hate it until you don't.

You will wake up one day - fully broken into this new life of service and after that it will all start to feel just a bit better. It's an awful way to think about it - being broken in, like a horse, but I think we all go through it - some just capitulate quicker than others - it took me about 2 years. You will accept this new reality at some point and a different happiness becomes real.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing your best - remember that we aren't all ok with living in ground-hog day and it will take time.

🌺

Few of us are the mothers we thought we would be though.... and lots of the comments suggest the same. You keep evolving and changing though, you might find that you will really engage with your pre teen/teenagers. Dont be so hard on yourself. Men don't generally worry like this, why do we ? Our children are adults for the majority of our time with them so there is plenty of time to develop a great long lasting bond.

I really feel for you OP. I can’t say I have felt as bad as you do, but sometimes motherhood does feel relentless! I have a very supportive partner who more than pulls his weight with the house and childcare which I feel makes a world of difference, and both our families are close. I can imagine if you don’t have one or both of these things life can be very very hard.
DD is 2.5 and very demanding, and still doesn’t sleep through the night. Other than that she brings me a great deal of joy. But I know I do not want or would not be able to cope with another child as I feel like I’m getting more of my independence back now. I must admit I’m always surprised by posters that talk about how awful they find parenthood and how they wish they’d never done it only to find out they have two or three very small children…I can’t understand why anyone would have them so close together? Of course that was going to be horrendously hard.

Having a toddler is very hard and was definitely not the most enjoyable part of parenting for me.

i found becoming a mum a huge shock and felt genuine grief and loss for my old life. I had a very nice mum acquaintance share with me how much she struggled and her honesty really helped me. You are definitely not alone but not many admit it.

Truthfully, you may always find it tough. I have another friend who definitely stil regrets having a DC even though he’s primary age now. But she also really adores him and is a great mum!

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve found the ages 7-11 to be much easier and more enjoyable. I love the conversations we have now and have learned so much from both of them.

I remember feeling like you especially after my first…my sense of self was just lost. I had no time for ANYTHING I wanted to do and even if I did manage to get a few hours, it wasn’t relaxing as I knew all the shit would be just waiting for me and my life would still just be an endless round of monotonous tasks when I got back to it.

You’re right that women have had a number done on them…it’s damn near impossible to have it all. Even if you have the world’s happiest baby that sleeps 12 hours a night (and I sure didn’t) something has to give.

I found that lower standards, lower expectations and trying to find something in every day to appreciate helped me at this stage.

It gets so much better. Really. Honestly it does. But it will take a while, so try to find some strategy to cope while you’re at this stage.

You are not alone in this!

I honestly cannot believe all these comments. Does no one enjoy raising their children, spending time with them? Realising that they are only here because you chose for them to be?

@ChiefEverythingOfficer

accurate. And depressing.

is it the same for men?

@Thisismetooaswell

“Realising that they are only here because you chose for them to be?“

so? I don’t get what you mean

I hear you, OP. There is so much pressure to be in loving amazement at the toddler and baby years. Personally I didn't feel it at all, I much prefer them now and even struggle with my 6 year old but hold on to the fact she will be 12/14 like my boys soon and things will be much easier. I am not at all phased by the teenage years which everyone insists are horrid, I find my kids forever grow into people I want to have conversations with and are much easier to feed as they eat normal food rather than having everything dulled down for their tastes.

You are not alone, its just so socially unacceptable not to 'love it'. I have often said to other mum friends that I actually find the idea of enjoying very young motherhood quite a turn off. I feel there must be something missing from a life if it can so easily be filled with repeating colours over again or endlessly drawing the same truck.

They get much better as they get older and have much more interesting problems for you to help them solve. Keep the faith, you're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it. Feed them, clothe them and show them some love = excellent parenting right now.

Life is hard especially as a main care giver with little or no support. My youngest is 6 now and since my middle son 9 was born I can’t say I have had a break or a night off from motherhood! But my youngest 6 and eldest 12 I will say the days are long but the years go quick, just try take something possitive out of each day. And enjoy the little things.. a long soak in the bath the child is asleep.. up half an hour before them for a brew, house will wait. Honestly I’ve lived with anxiety for so long even if I’m a cm out of my routine I worry I hate mess it’s just like grounded into you a routine. But keep going they ain’t little for long

I honestly can't understand how anyone would enjoy such a tedious, prescriptive life that we have to endure as full-time carers to young children. Don't you want some time to play guitar or go out with friends or work?

I honestly find it baffling that anyone wants to live in the way a mum has to in order for very young children to be fulfilled.

Totally agree. I posted above trying to be a bit more positive but the vast majority of the comments are so miserable. I honestly enjoy being a mum and hanging out with my DS!

Maybe not the thread for you then?

Go clutch your pearls elsewhere. There’s no shame in admitting a life of 24/7 care duties, while having to play character while doing it, gets very tough at times and requires venting and moral support. I’m guessing your kids are now older so the memory of sleeping for 6 broken hours a night at best, what can feel like endless whining/crying and cleaning endless food smears off your walls has faded a little..?

Genuine question for you (and other mums who hated the baby years) why did you give up work?!?

I love spending time with my toddler, but I work full time because I love my job too and want to progress. I think most people would go a little stir crazy being with their toddler constantly as a sahp.

If you hate it, why not go back to work after a short mat leave? Why did you decide to give up work?

Oh OP hang on in there. I could have written every word of that during that stage. I HATED having toddlers and was bored, frustrated and angry all of the time.

As you say it’s that something ‘nice’ is always filled entirely with winging and rendered miserable. I hated imaginary play, the stress of trying to do craft or baking with under 3s and in the course of Covid lockdowns developed a visceral hatred of taking toddlers to the park (dog poo! The abduction risk! broken glass! Tears on arrival and on leaving! Determination to touch and attempt to possess dangerous dogs and large unwieldy sticks…)

They are now 5 and 7 and whilst they have their moments and I am still shattered, it’s so so much better. The light at the end of the tunnel is flooding in and it’s warm and lovely. They are interesting and real people and we can do things we all enjoy.

Find whatever you need to make it bearable and hang on in there. You are not alone

Oh and I roll my eyes whenever I see those nappy ads with the immaculate mothers cuddling up to their adorable babies.

This was me! I hated baking, crafts and parks too. Anything that resulted in confrontation with excitable dogs, other people’s pushy shoving kids or mess. Mess was just more soul destroying unnecessary drudge.

My dd once stepped 3 inches off the path in the park (walking through to the town) wearing beautiful new clarks leather shoes and dog shit was all over them and nicely impacted in the pretty embossed pattern at the bottom. I had to haul everyone home, use a cocktail stick to gouge out every speck of the vile smelling guts of some prick’s bloody dog and sterilise them thoroughly. I was so angry and just done in thinking why does everything - even a simple walk in the park - have to be SO hard…

They are young adults now. We are all close and enjoy hanging out together. It’s perfect now. My DH is nostalgic for those young kiddie days but I hated almost every minute.