I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

I hated having small kids. Absolutely hated it, I was miserable, exhausted, stressed. If I could have undone it I would have. I would honestly have gone back and never had them if I could have done so. I loved them but just hated being a parent. But I can honestly say I feel so differently now and I’m a single parent now too. Having kids is my greatest achievement, I love spending time with them, I couldn’t imagine life without them. They are 15, 11 and 7. The teen years are a total joy so far, the older they get the more I like them. They’re just so funny, and cool and interesting. Little children are awful. Only the fact they’re so cute stops you from throwing them in the canal.

It gets so much better. I hated it a lot of the time until dd was three, and then it gradually got better. She's now nearly six and an absolute dream. Hang in there, just like the newborn phase doesn't last for ever, this won't either. Children are developing all the time, so they're constantly changing and evolving as little people. It's worth remembering that it never stays exactly the same for long, even if it feels that way when you're in the thick of it.

I just wanted to add that when one of my sons was around 3 or 4 I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, he told me he hated me, that ye wished I was dead, he would hit me in public and trash his room. His dad had recently moved out and he took it so hard. At nearly 8, he can still be fiery but he is a million miles away from the little boy he used to be and he is so loving and funny, and can be really mature; these hard awful stages will pass if you can just keep your boundaries and love them even when it’s super difficult.

It’s so refreshing to see the honesty on this thread. The perfect mothers and stepford wives is bullshit.

“I wouldn’t dream of buying a cake for DC birthday, I make it”

”I cook from scratch every day, I make my own wheat, to make my own flour, to make my own bread for my kids”

”I do toddler yoga to help their mental health and help then strive to be better versions of themselves”

”I work full time and I don’t use childcare, I can do everything because I’m so amazing”

It does get easier OP but it is hard at times and the more women acknowledge this the easier it will be for new mums to say actually I’m struggling here and realise they aren’t alone and it’s normal to feel like you’re not your own person anymore

I’m not a mum (by choice), but most of this thread sounds/feels like I thought how motherhood would have been for me (to be fair, I’m including the parts where it gets objectively better, too). Hopefully you feel less alone, OP, at least.

@FlyingHorses I don’t mean this question to be unkind, so I am trying to phrase it in a nice way, but do you genuinely enjoy every moment ie when there’s a tantrum? Or when they won’t sleep? On the flip side, when you’re enjoying colouring in with then or playing with duplo, do you never wish you were reading a book or whatever else your interests are or used to be?

Not unkind at all, and I’m genuinely sad you feel like this, it must be horrible.
In the moment of a tantrum I stop my train of thought of “ahh here we go/this isn’t fun etc” and I think “here’s a challenge for you FlyingHorses, how can you help DS, what does he need, what is he trying to say? He must feel so unregulated and upset to do this, can you be the calm?” And then I honestly take great satisfaction in getting to his level and super-calmly saying “You clearly feel really upset right now, that must feel horrible, how can we make your body and mind calmer? I’m here when you’re ready for a hug/want to read a book/I’m going to play with this train and when you’re ready to join me you can” etc and 99% of the time it works after 2-3min. I feel like a hero lol, and so proud I’ve honed the ability to be zen when others aren’t. It’s taken lots of practising and doesn’t come 100% naturally but yes I do enjoy having the ability to do that and reap the benefits of a happy kid.

When playing with duplo/pretending to be a pirate etc I practise mindfulness of being in the moment. I go back to childhood in a way, and it’s simple joy of building something, making something, and teaching him new words, skills, seeing his little brain working fascinates me. There are lots of things I can’t do anymore that I used to love, but there’ll be a time I can do them again. DS is genuinely so much better than any book/hobby/experience I can think of and I’ve travelled, lived abroad, had lots of hobbies etc but nothing compares to him. He is this little creature I made and I’m challenged with loving and caring for him no matter what, and being able to do that makes some feel like a superhero. He is the best, funniest little person and our adventures are my favourite way to spend my time.
I truly hope you get there too as it’s a great place to be, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Best wishes.

Are you on your own @Sosadd11 ? Is the dad around or any family members? It sounds like you're doing it all on your own.

I remember hitting a wall of exhaustion/emotion and I was lucky enough that my mum offered a night so DH and I went to a hotel and just slept and watched trashy TV for about 24 hours. It was bliss and I felt ready for another go at parenting after that break.

My first experience of motherhood was clouded heavily by the situation I was in. My boyfriend at the time was amazing, wonderful I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Untill I fell pregnant. He was elated I was pregnant, untill about 6 months in where he told me he wanted me to have an abortion. I obviously said no, and the rest of the pregnancy was full of emotional abuse, stone walling, he screamed at me for refusing to eat dinner at his mums one day, she'd made me 4 jacket potatoes 😂 (I think she took eating for 2 a little far. Obviously I couldn't do it.) but I tried to force myself to stop his anger and o ended up being sick which made him even angrier.

He ended up being physically abusive at the end of my pregnancy and continued on untill my son was 5 months old when I finally had the courage to walk away. It was awful, he threw a leather slipper at my back while I was struggling to build the cot by myself, strangled me on the bed where my son was also sleeping, made me sleep on the sofa with my son because he didn't want his sleep disturbed, wouldn't allow the heating on till he woke up at like 11am (we were up at 5am) downstairs in January in the freezing cold. He was awful.

My second time round was with my current fiancee and it was a far better situation but she was born in May 2020 and I had a horrible traumatic labour and birth and suffered with PPD

My third and final baby is where I've truly felt like I've gotten the real experience, I've loved it, but it dosnt mean it's not hard at times, it totally is.

Do you have local like minded friends in the same boat? Not sure I would have got through it with my mental health intact without nearby friends going through the same thing.

Agree with that broken in thing. Fortunately for me after 10 years in a City job that wasn’t really me and was insanely hard work I was actually looking for a change in direction anyway so threw myself into it. It’s harder if you loved your status quo pre baby life.

I really feel for you OP. I felt exactly the same until mine was around 18 months. I remember posting on here under a different name when my dc was around 1 asking for tips on separation as much I loved my son, I just wanted to escape, be a part time parent so I didn't have to go through the relentless drudge every day.

I was very fortunate as I got (and still do) plenty time to myself, saw friends, supportive partner and family but I still hatrf it. I don't feel that way now and would now consider a 2nd. I can't say exactly what helped, I think it was a mixture of going back to work, counselling, using childcare to get full days to myself and just time that helped me get back to myself. I'd also really recommend Anna Mathur as well. I found her books and Instagram helpful too as well as a book called the Unmumsy mum.

There's so shame feeling how you do. I genuinely believe we aren't meant to bring children up so intensively on our own with such little support so it's no wonder many of us feel the way we do. I had this conversation with close friends who have older children. I assumed that most of them loved parenthood and was surprised to hear that many of them felt how you do and I did. I still have hard days but it isn't as bad as it used to be. Sending much love ❤️

I completely understand how you feel. My only advice is that motherhood is not just about love; it's about responsibility. You've been given a lifetime task.

It's hard. However, if you're wise enough, I'm sure you will find not only joy but also a better self in your journey with your little one. I think that's the true essence of motherhood.

Reading my post back - you are right! What was intended to be encouraging ended up being bleak.

In answer to your question, no I don't think men face this problem equally - unless they are sole carers or in a single sex relationship.

The mental load is typically carried by mums. Always knowing without having to be asked and always being on high alert (we call it mum ears) contributes significantly to feelings of complete inundation.

It's a process that we all go through. Some people up thread seem to sail into motherhood - the vast majority of us have an adjustment period. Doesn't mean we love our children any less just we are less adept at coping with the ferocity of having a baby/toddler.

@Screamingabdabz

ah my blood boils for you. Inconsiderate, selfish dog owners! Dog shit it everywhere! So bad but especially bad for families with little kids who likely won’t look where they’re walking in the same way adults do.

I think what helped (still helps) me is thinking of it in terms of life phases.

Everyone is different of course, but for me I think of it like this -

Me and DH had our carefree time before kids.

We then chose to have a child, knowing that phase would end for a good while. We're through the baby phase where everything is naps, feeds, nappies, repeat - made worth it by all the first, even though it was hard.

We're now in the pre school phase - everything is learning. So many big changes. So many emotions (parents and children!)

We're trying to make the most of it because I know before we know it he won't want to spend afternoons doing Duplo or nights reading the same stories over and over but all together.

We do try to make time for ourselves but on the stretches when it's just not possible it helps to remember this is the phase we're in and we'll be out of it before I've properly realised it.

It really is mad how fast it happens too. You mentioned tantrums and yeah they're really hard but they're just normal parts of it and they don't last forever. My son is 4 and while he pushes boundaries and has his strops still, I'm amazed lately how reasonable he can be. Things that would have caused a tantrum a couple of months ago now are often met with "oh ok" and that's it.

Hated the baby stage! So boring, so dull, so unrelenting and grinding. Now she's four and life is so much easier. I'd do it all again for her but we're sticking at one. The problem is there is so much help and focus on pregnancy and once you have the child there is nothing, you're just expected to get on with it.

It's really hard, especially when they are toddlers and you can't reason with them. My two are 4 and 8 and it is much easier. I'm slowly getting my life back. 😂 They are playing together and are able to grab their own snacks, help tidy up, dress themselves etc. Game changer. They obviously need supervised but I can grab a shower or do a bit of cleaning while they entertain themselves/eachother. I can even have a couple of drinks with friends while we have a play date on a Saturday as their kids are the same age. Hang in there, it will get easier!

I just wanted to Thankyou for your bravery and honesty in sharing your thoughts here OP. It's not easy.

I don't know if this was your intention but the responses to your post have helped me so much.

I am a single Mum to two year old twins (ex-DH walked out on us when they were very young) and feel like I'm in the trenches of tantrums, constantly cleaning and just feeling like my brain is going to burst. Like many others have said, returning to work helped hugely, though I do often feel guilt that I'm doing half a job at everything rather than doing any part of my life really well!

Holding out to the ages where the joy outweighs the other stuff!

I think a lot of it depends on your expectations going into it. I was convinced it would be all miserable hard slog (I had much younger siblings, so I'd seen it first hand!) and did it out of pure love for my dh.

So the overwhelming love I felt for the little critters, the moments of pure happiness when your baby does something totally ordinary took me completely by surprise, and despite the fact that I am not well suited to having someone completely dependent on me, I would actually say that I did enjoy their childhoods. I have pictures of them at all ages as my computer backgrounds, and I love looking back on them as tinies. I remember all the good times now.

Doesn't stop the fact that every single year has been better than the one that went before, and I look at my teenage dc and think 'wow, they're cool', and don't in any way wish they were back to being younger. And that I can still remember the boring, grindy bits. But they don't dominate my memories at all.

That first sentence nails it.

We know marriages and relationships can be shit , but a lot of people still aspire to be married or with someone. It's the same with having kids.

If you think logically, it makes no real sense to have kids. The expense, the responsibility, the hard work and the giving up of a lot of what has made 'you'.

I think because you can't just 'quit' being a parent ( yes we all know some shit parents, but you know what I mean) like you can stop being a wife or partner, the negatives aren't talked about enough.

I have only one due to the fact that I couldn't face going back to the beginning and starting all over again without the 'wonder' , and that I barely had enough energy to cope with the one I had.

I have also seen second children ignored, as if their only function is to be 'the sibling,. A close friend confided that they have been nowhere near as engaged with their second child's nursery, school life and hobbies as the first because..Well, meh, ..seen it all before.

So no, OP, you are not alone. Not even close to being!.

It’s pretty much how I expected it to be pre kids if I’m honest. I suspect having the expectation the first few years would be a real slog was likely a help vs going in expecting to love it. It’s probably also a fair comment from some posters that looking for the best bits helps. I think it also helps to know many people are having the same experience and it’s actually ok you aren’t loving every minutes. It can take the pressure off and stop you feeling like you are doing it wrong and that in turn can make it more enjoyable.

I felt like this with small children. It gradually gets easier.

As it’s so incredibly hard why do so many people put themselves through it again? Or a third time? Or even fourth?

why go through such hardship all over again?

why?! Genuinely curious!

I think I was a bit luckier than you OP in that I was glad to see the back of work for a bit and I made some nice friends with babies the same age but I can relate to the shell of self comments. It sucks to become boring, I even remember apologizing when I met up with some childfree friends because I don't have much of a life or anything to talk about.

My advice is to do whatever helps you whether that's working more or working less and don't let anyone pressure you into giving your child a sibling if that's not right for you.

Because after the first one you start operating on a different level which, if it doesn’t make it ‘easier’, at least makes you feel you know what you’re doing. You also realise there’s fun to be had at the end of the baby/toddler tunnel as they get older, so rationalise that it’ll be worth it for another child/sibling. Plus you’re not going out and having fun anyway so nothing to give up 2nd time round,