Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

"At this stage in the relationship he should be finding it quite cute, finding hair when OP has gone home

😂 no.
Finding hair, especially long dark hair, everywhere is completely gross. I would truly hate that.
Perfectly reasonable thing for the guy to have asked.

Imo it’s only a red flag if he insists or goes on about it after you say you don’t want to tie it up. If he asked you nicely and finding hair all over the place is triggering him, he asked you if you could tie it back and I think it’s OK to ask.
However If he continues to go on about it after you decline then maybe he needs to find a girlfriend with shorter finer hair - maybe if dead hair gives him the ick then he’s not the one for you.

Get out now. Unless he is fastidious about everything then he sounds like a controlling dick. My hair sheds everywhere. My husband unclogs the shower drain without a word even though post-baby you could probably knit a blanket out of the fallen hair!

My long blonde hair gets everywhere at home ( particularly sticks to socks as the family walk about ) so l totally get where he’s coming from … but after the husband moaned once l wore a shower cap indoors for a day including in bed . We ended up laughing about it and they just get over it now !

Get it cut a bit shorter as hair should be trimmed regularly.That will help the shedding.

⬆️ This. Definitely.
All the people calling hair gross are just weird. I think someone else’s hair in food is nasty, especially if we are talking about restaurant or processed food, but if I found my own, my partner’s or my kids’ stray hair even in food I wouldn’t freak out, because I’m not twelve and I don’t have trichophobia (apologies to anyone on here who genuinely does, I hope you can get help). Hair is just something normal we have on our bodies. I wonder if those people who think it’s gross all shave their heads? You say you are a neat freak (I missed that in my earlier comment) but am guessing you are ‘Homes & Gardens’ neat, not ‘pathology lab’ neat. Don’t let anyone hair shame you! 😂

My long hair blocks sinks etc and finding it stuck to all sorts isn't very nice for anyone so I can see where he is coming from. Although it kind of just comes with having long, thick hair. My DH would never ask this and I would be pissed off if he did, so I can see why you are. But can kind of see both sides as maybe it's giving him the ick finding hair everywhere!? He'll certainly have to get used to it if you end up having children together.

Totally agree.
Imagine if you live together. Does this mean you have to tie your hair up for the rest of your life? Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life? Need to discuss this with him to let him know that you are willing to do this at his place, however, if there comes a time when you live together you are not prepared to do so. Get it down in writing or record him (with his knowledge of course) so there is no denying his answer if he acquiesces to this.

I have hair like you. I get so many compliments on it (weekly) and have never had a boyfriend ask me to tie it up. In fact they loved it long and didn't want me to cut it! So even though it can get gross when it everywhere, they loved it. Maybe he's a neat freak, but not sure it's a sustainable relationship

@Pyewacketty

All the people calling hair gross are just weird

Well, that's like saying 'all the people who say broccoli is disgusting are weird', isn't it? You being ok with it isn't because you are the representation of 'normal and acceptable'; it's about preferences, and not everyone is like you.

Hair is just something normal we have on our bodies

So are toenails. Are you ok to find your partner's toenails around the house?

He's allowed to not like it. He might not have thought through how that will affect the relationship, though. He might have spent the morning trying to work out how to pull apart his hoover, so that he could get all the wound up hair out of it, and dealt very well with feeling grumpy about the time he needn't have wasted. He may well have not realised that there are other ways of dealing with the problem, and simply asked politely for the quick and easy solution he saw. If OP can't say no, and if he can't see reason, it's a different matter, but all he's done is make a polite request.

I agree with this. I shed a lot myself and it's driving me mad finding my hair everywhere. I wouldn't particularly blame him tbh.

He’s allowed not to like it

If you look at previous posts I have said exactly that - that this isn’t a case of one person being in the wrong and one being in the right, it’s about what is reasonable for one person being unreasonable for another. But my remarks about whether hair is gross or not are my own opinion. There are plenty of people commenting on here that OPs proudest feature is somehow dirty and nasty, and no one is challenging them. OP is obviously feeling self conscious after bf’s request and so I feel such comments are unnecessary and unhelpful. In case you hadn’t noticed I was trying to be supportive in a lighthearted way. 🤦‍♀️

In case you hadn’t noticed I was trying to be supportive in a lighthearted way

And now you're being passive aggressive 😉

I didn't study your previous posts, @Pyewacketty , no. I was just commenting on the one I read, that said it agreed with mine and seemingly backed up that agreement with a totally different point. Nothing personal. It's ok to respond to a lighthearted post with a more serious tone.

My daughter has the most beautiful thick, long red hair, which I adore. I have to sympathise with your new boyfriend. It’s obviously not that important to him for you to have it loose. Believe me it gets everywhere, my Dyson vacuum cleaner hates her hair. My drains hate her hair, my washing machine and tumble dryer hates her hair. It doesn’t take much to put it up.

You could calmly explain that having long thick hair tied up all the time gives you a headache. It's your crowning glory and no one can tell you how to style your hair.

This is an obvious red flag on fire. Do you really need to ask the community? Woman-up and dump him.

i can take this from an established relationship, say a marriage of 10 years, but not from a new one!

(both my grandparents, on both sides, are from the subcontinent so I’ve got 4 times your hair problem and won’t be taking this comment from any man or let any man make such “requests” of my daughter)

You’ll be “calmly explaining” this today, and then “calmly explaining” why you don’t want to be controlled by the next request.

good luck to you

@Watchkeys Because I do agree with that first post. If OPs bf is saying things that cause her to feel bad about herself that needs addressing in a calm, but assertive manner. As for the following paragraph, all my own work! I think it’s sad when people find any part of themselves truly gross - even their toenails. Why is it that hair and toenails are considered fine when firmly attached to a human, but gross when they become detached? It doesn’t make any sense! But I suppose there are lots of human body parts that are gross if they become detached….🦵💪🤔😂

No but it does mean if your thinking long term this probably isn't the one

I shed a fair bit of hair and I notice when other people do, because for some reason I immediately find human hair gross when it's detached from the body - eg, cannot stand it if people leave hair in sink, on shower walls, in drain etc. Maybe your boyfriend has the same issue. If you know you shed hair so much and it bothers him, there are easy solutions - why not just take lint rollers with you to do a quick once-over of soft furnishings, get a robovac to go around and pick up hairs after you or do a quick sweep with the hoover daily or whatever. Be vigilant for hair hanging around everywhere. Not gonna lie, it would bother me if someone else's hair was all over my house all the time. I would just find it so gross. It's not a comment on you personally or anyone personally, I just hate hairs being around.

This is very extreme. If they were living together, they'd have to come up with a compromise, whereby his feelings about dropped hair would be respected, and OP's feelings about how she wears her hair would be respected. Perhaps she agrees to hoover more or get one of the hoovers recommended on the thread. Perhaps they talk and he understands that actually, it's not so simple as just 'Put it in a ponytail, et voila!'

There's some drastic advice on this thread, @Hairry If he's open to talking about his request and seeing your side, I'm sure things will be fine, and he may well be. No need to LTB quite yet ;)

Why is it that hair and toenails are considered fine when firmly attached to a human, but gross when they become detached? It doesn’t make any sense

It makes complete sense. We generally find discarded waste substances gross, for sensible, evolved reasons. It's like this with most bodily substances. Saliva, for example... if you're eating a lolly, you might take it out of your mouth for a few seconds, but if you leave it on the side for 10 minutes, the fact that it's been in your own mouth becomes disgusting. We are comfortable walking round as pee and shit receptacles, but the minute the stuff becomes detached from us... eww! A little sniff with a runny nose, fine; snot that's been blown into a tissue... urgh!

I've got long dark hair and I hate seeing it around the place, I'm forever picking it up, I don't think he's being reasonable at all.

If anything I think it's honest of him to say it in a laid back way rather than bitching about it behind your back or something. Red flag my arse.

Indeed, maybe boyfriend just doesn't like hair on every surface. I know I don't.

Erm - could it be that there is another lady visiting the flat OP who also thinks that she is involved with him and doesn't have your lovely long hair? Finding them everywhere could be a bit of a giveaway in those circumstances.