Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

And how do you know that, Sherlock? You know the bf? Or just an armchair detective?

Tell him to get a Dyson Animal Hair Vacuum. Worked well in a similar scenario when a guy had 4 female roommates

I’m getting princess hair vibes and bet your stunning to! I’m jel! Huni wear your hair with pride! You do you and if he comments again remind him that you need him to remember you when you’re not there! Also mention if this is a committed relationship we’re talking manage and babies your kids hair will be the same. I had ridiculous extensions in my hay day and they got everywhere (few years ago there not as good then as they are now) A guy friend once mentioned to me the your hair up though his girlfriend was dark and I was Barbie blonde so he knew if she found a hair ANYWHERE he’d be in trouble!

My daughter in law has long hair and it is always shredding around the house. I have invested in 3m clothes rollers.They have to be 3m, they are superior to other brands and pick up loads more hair and fluff. They are have fatter rolls too. Maybe get your boyfriend to buy some?

A bit of extrapolation on the behaviour of young men. Also, don't be patronising.

This was my first thought too! 😅

I have a massive phobia of stray hairs, I think it came from my mum who had thick, dark hair and I remember finding them in my food sometimes. If I shared a living space with some who was shedding visible, long hairs it would cause me huge distress and I wouldn’t feel comfortable. My DH gets very frustrated about me getting upset about them in public places like swimming pools, hotels etc, but I can’t control it.
I think this must be the case for him, if it didn’t affect him he wouldn’t notice them. I think I he’s asked you quite respectfully, but I can imagine it’s an upsetting situation for both of you.

I have blonde longish hair and very occasionally my husband will joke about it being like owning a Labrador. It does tend to end up on the pillows etc
Point is he has never once said wear it up at home. I’d be annoyed too. This does sound a bit rude.

No controlling going on. Did people read beyond 'can I please wear it in a ponytail'?. A very good friend of mine is married to a biker with very long hair. He ties his hair up indoors...she was moaning. No controlling there either. His hair gets everywhere.

Now if someone is told to wear this or that indoors etc...generally, then that is controlling. This one isn't.

If he was asking for your hair to be tied in a ponytail in an attempt to limit hair loss/shedding then, in my opinion it would be unreasonable but if he was asking for your hair to be tied in a ponytail because he found it attractive then, in my opinion, that would be a reasonable request.

I did once tell a lady-friend that I liked her ponytail and it looked attractive. She didn't mind me saying it and after that she started wearing her hair in a ponytail more often.

Yeah I'm weird about it too, my own hair is blonde and crap so I just find buts of broken hair but if I find my daughter's longer dark hair unexpectedly it weirdly gives me the heave. Had female relatives with long dark hair stay at our house once and the towels were just strewn with hair, not their fault and not unusual but really have me the ick

I mean, I don't think it stops it going anywhere. I understand it can take some getting used to, having hair everywhere but it does become normal. My hair is EVERYWHERE. I hoover everyday but one brush through and it's all over the floor again.

not sure what to say but as a woman myself I hate strands of hair all over the place for hygiene reasons plus I hate having to keep
picking strands of hair all over . Not nice
having said that I would have thought your hair should only be falling out when brushing it .
i also tie my hair in the house anyway aso feel
more comfortable with it ties

For some reason stray hairs make me ill, especially long hairs. Even my own. So this request wouldn’t bother me at all.

I'm with him on this one. Hair attached to head can be lovely. Dead long hair lying everywhere is disgusting. So what if it's natural? So is period blood, but I hope you don't shed that all over his floor and furniture.

He hasn't asked you to cut your hair, just to tie it up to keep his home tidy. Could you compromise and offer to clean after yourself and pick up what you shed?

If roles were reversed and a man was shedding his DNA in a girlfriend's home without offering to clean up after himself, I doubt he'd get much support.

If your question is about control then I’m not sure why we needed to know how beautiful your hair is?

I think you’re vain about your hair and outraged that anyone would do anything but praise you for it. If your bf is otherwise a nice person then I’d treat it as a little quirk.

My DS has a huge problem with hair especially near his food. If he found a hair in the fridge he’d freak!

Oh I hair hair like you, it almost breaks the vacuum cleaner and clogs the shower drain. So I understand what he means, but still it's a bit odd.

I think he's a bit weird but I'm okay with hair, have a dog and a cat both hairy shedders

I really want to say you're not being unreasonable, but I had a housemate once with long, strong hair. The stray strands accumulated enough that one day when I went to vacuum, they rewrapped around my Hoover roll and burnt out the motor of the vacuum cleaner. If I had realized what the weird burnt smell was I would have stopped before the damage was done but I didn't realize.

I have quite long hair and also have this problem, I kinda just assumed other women didn't heh. I wouldn't even wear mine down anywhere now. Think I'm shedding more than I used to though and getting some hair loss. I'm absolutely fed up of hair being everywhere. On the dressing table, in the shower, in the bed, on the floor, everywhere arggghh! I almost had a break down over it a couple months ago and was seriously considering shaving it all off. Decided to compromise on a pixie cut soon which I can't WAIT for.

Unfortunately for me I no longer have very nice hair like you OP so I don't even get the benefit of it! Having said that, you can't really compare hair on your head to that found on the floor or in a shower drain-that will always be gross regardless of whose hair it is and how nice it looks on them!

See, I'd say asking a partner to do something because you found it attractive was more controlling than asking them to keep long hair tidy by tying it back.

I feel his pain, DD has long think hair and it gets everywhere. We do argue about it because, being a teenager, she's pretty inconsiderate about where she brushes it and she's always swishing it about like she's in a bloody shampoo advert and plays with it all the time as well. I don't think she washes it enough and of course it's me that has to unblock the shower drains etc. I insist she ties it back for school (bug bear of mine are the young women at work who don't tie it back in the labs) but she likes to have it down at the weekends.

It's funny really that long hair is viewed as glamorous because the reality is minging with the constant hair shedding, the playing with it and the lack of washing.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of your hair, or any other feature that makes you you. So whether you view this request as a deal breaker is really a personal decision. Did this come across as a request or a demand? It could be the first of many controlling demands, or it could simply be a sign that he’s a bit of neat freak - only you can know which one it is. If your instincts are telling you it’s the former then you know what to do. If it’s a neat thing then you know whether you are willing to go along with that. If, like me, you’re a bit messy then perhaps you two just aren’t a good match. If you ended up getting married could you live the rest of your life with your hair in a ponytail? I’m guessing not. If you had children would he be able to put up with the inevitable mess kids cause or would he be insisting that they not make any mess either? Or is it nothing to do with cleanliness, does he just have a weird thing about hair?
As this is quite a new relationship maybe you feel it’s a bit early for him to start getting picky, and that he would rather have a pristine home than spend time with you. As someone with long hair I think I would take the view that if he can’t be bothered to get the hoover out then maybe he doesn’t value my company as much as he should.
Ultimately his request isn’t unreasonable for him, but it might be unreasonable for you. I suspect this is one of those situations where no-one is at fault, but in the long term you are probably not a good fit for each other.

Don’t feel self conscious. Men like long hair, but shedding is a part of it. I have long hair and my two girls do as well. They are both grown up and have left home, but when it was the three of us we needed a pet hair hoover even though we didn’t have any pets! You sound as though you lack self confidence. There is nothing offensive about your natural state of being. What would he say if you started making similar requests when he stays at yours? Maybe try it, ask him to put clean socks on or something, or ask him to shave his pubes cos you don’t like finding them on your sheets! 😂

🤣 genius

I’ve got very long thick hair and it gets everywhere, that’s just life, I had one boyfriends mum who commented she’d noticed a lot more hair in her hoover since I met him but that all, she didn’t expect me to try and stop it. He’s being weird.