Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

If he asked you nicely and was not pushy about it, I would not think it is a big deal. I know of many men who encourage their partners to grow their hair or wear it a certain way. When my hair was longer, my DH hated when it got in his face so I usually wore it up when we were close so it would not annoy him. On the other hand, if this is the start of him trying to control you, it may be a bigger concern.

“Saves all your dead hair for making up underwear”

I don't see this as a red flag. My sister sheds her long dark hair. I'm not a fan of it in my house. He's simply asking you when walking around/doing tasks to tie it back.

I'd also be annoyed but I'm not seeing how it's controlling or a red flag tbh.

If you’re not used to it- it’s a lot! I’ve had friends, sitters and cleaners with long dark hair and find it everywhere. All the girls at school must have hair tied back. I’m on the fence on this one.

Maybe I have an unpopular opinion on this, but I don’t think this is a red flag. If he rudely and nastily demanded it, I wouldn’t be saying that, but it seems he is just trying to adjust. Speak to him and just say it’s not always comfortable, and it’s just what happens with long, thick hair! Try to make light of it with him if he brings it up again, “only about 6 million stray hairs to go and I won’t have any left to shed anyway!” 🤣 if he gets mean about it though, definitely kick him to the kerb.

I think it's quite an even split.
Some people are very quick to shout CONTROL if man so much as expresses a preference and god forbid that preference differs from a woman's.

Maybe it’s not controlling on his part, but what will he expect should you decide to live together? Will he always want you to tie back your hair? I’m afraid it’s natural to shed hair, and is obviously more noticeable the longer the hair is. My hair is just above shoulder length and sheds all over the place, nothing I can do to stop it. He’s either going to have to get used to it or else you go your separate ways.

Dunno man, i get rrally triggered when someone with lose hair is my kitchen....its a pet hate of mine to be honest. Cant get hair in my food.

Got

It's odd & a bit controlling. It shouldn't have entered his mind especially in a newish relationship....I suppose the only caveat maybe if he's OCD or similar but in that case it's a problem that may be resolved (thinking desensitizing slowly not ponytails.... hopefully his next suggestion isn't crewcut 👀😳,,).

May not be a red flag but Def a yellow.

Does your hair get everywhere mine asked the same thing because my hair would literally be everywhere. I understood and now always keep an elastic on my wrist we've been together 16yrs

Agreed. Relationships will always have adjustments to be made by each party, as you’re two individuals coming together. It’s not always something to be viewed as malicious!

I would be inclined to ask him to wear his pubes in a ponytail too.

You don’t want to find them near the toilet on the floor 🤣

It seems to me you know very well he's being unreasonable. The fact that it annoyed you, thar you noticed his hypocrisy and that it bugged you enough to ask here should tell you something. More red flags incoming, hope you notice those, too and bail before the final reveal.
I had a bf who reproached me he kept finding my hair everywhere. Suffice to say this was hardly the only red flag, he revealed himself as a full shythead later on.

It sounds pretty practical imo! I also have (had) long thick hair, as does my son, and it does get everywhere, including clogging up the hoover brushes. I wouldn’t call it a red flag atm, but wait and see if there are additional demands. Finding my own hair is pretty gross, finding other peoples hair is 🤮. At least tying it up will reduce the area in which it travels.

Yes you're being unreasonable. He just wants to not have to find your hair floating in his drinks or working its way up his ass crack. It's annoying. I lost a lot of my hair when I was taking a certain medication and it drove me up the wall. It was significantly less annoying when I kept it up in a pony and took it down to brush out all the fallen hair, then put it back up. Your hair may be beautiful but don't be so conceited as to think people are gazing at it so much they'll ignore choking on it.

Is he just not use to the realities of having females in a house. Did he grow up with sisters. I don't think its necessarily a red flag it's probably more an unknown to him

i have shoulder length quite fine hair and it still sheds everywhere! completely normal and he’s definitely BU by trying to control something that you can’t

She was jealous. And unprofessional. You didn't have cleaning personnel? Or someone who came to clean at least once a week?

Finding hairs of any description gives me boak even if they’re my own. I literally loathe finding them lying around. I don’t think he’s being controlling at all, maybe he gets the boak too and is just trying to minimise the issue by suggesting a ponytail

This

I am a mother of two with absolutely stunning dark hair, I ask my daughters do the same and they happily do it. It is just commons sense. I d be thankful for having a guy who wants to keep our flat tidy

moreover I d be very unhappy if I had a guest with untied 50 cm long hair at my home

Sounds like a guy adjusting to you spending more time in his space to me…. I asked my now husband to stop being such a messy slob and leaving his smelly shoes in random rooms in the house when we moved into together - he told me to stop dropping curvy grips everywhere and flooding the bathroom accidently! We adjusted!

You will find eachother far more annoying living in eachothers personal space… you will either learn how to tolerate eachother or you won’t.

If it’s a red flag to you personally OR an ick factor that he cares so much - move on! He clearly likes things very clean. Or maybe you can both agree to hoover more down the line….

But no, this is not an abusive red flag!