Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

How do you all feel about hair left around the sink after a shave?

Not a red flag. He’s had to be quite brave to bring up something that obviously causes him some frustration. He didn’t say hair net. And, because you come and go, you probably aren’t there to pick it up in the same way you are at home. I have very thick long blonde hair. I also get complements from everyone, including hairdressers, because never dying it makes it much more glossy and strong than many women’s. Not so visible a colour, but it would definitely hang around in unwanted places like the shower if I wasn’t careful. And even then, I find it tangled up in the hoover. Don’t let it destroy your relationship unnecessarily. Equally, you can’t be expected to live with your hair in a net.

slight tangent - I have long hair that sheds too. I bought a Dyson V8 hoover. The brushes don’t get tangled with my hair. Game changer.

advice - bf is being a bit of an arse. Maybe have a word with him. Tell him his comments left you feeling judged and upset. See how he responds. IMO it’s too early to tell if you should LTB.

What makes you feel so superior to 'poor women' who sold their 'for pittance'? Because that's not really how hair extensions work.

😝

I have extremely thick hair that sheds a lot. My poor poor DH has to put up with it in his dinner and everything! He has never once dictated what I do with it. He just gently ribs me about it every time he finds them in strange places. Usually it’s “your bloody hair gets everywhere!”

People love to jump on the controlling thing in here. He's asked for a simple compromise. Before you come on his flat, just pop in a hair tie. It takes 5 seconds and will save him way more than that to clean up.

Why is this any different than taking shoes off, putting the toilet seat down, folding a towel, not cutting your nails on the floor...

It's a simple request to minimise mess asked nicely by a partner. The number of people in here who probably ask ten times more from their partner... but because he's a man, out come the labels.

Oh I can actually speak to this. I wrote an essay on this for school. It is pretty much undeniable the women who sell hair are exploited and only resort to it out of desperation. Some Indian women have even had hair cut off when on buses, at the cinema etc. VERY disturbing.

How do hair extensions work?

That's a red flag. For two reasons. First, he's trying to control how you look. Second, he's worried your hair will be found around his flat - why?

Agree, and it minimises actual controlling behaviour.

Really long hair is unhygienic and I don't like it either. I wouldn't want someone with really long hair leaving strands around in my house. I think it is good he has been able to ask politely rather than just being grossed out and leaving the relationship. It is up to you how you react. You could just end the relationship or you could put your hair up.

I have a lodger who leaves her hair all over the shower. I find it so rude and think she should make sure the shower isn't full of her hair after she uses it so maybe it's something like that.
I don't think you should have to wear your hair in a pony tail but it sounds like it won't work out if he doesn't want hair everywhere and you can't help shedding hair.

Most men don't have such high standards of cleanliness, OP should have zero problems finding a man who won't even notice the hair everywhere. But I don't think she'll be able to complain when he's untidy in other ways.

p.s Most of the things you mention are one-offs, out of one's control unlike hair length. Even menstrual blood should only end up on sheets occasionally cuz it's a pain to clean off..not every month

It depends how much you use. I had a flat mate with beautiful dark hair that shed a lot and it was revolting to me finding hairs everywhere - on the kitchen sides, wrapped around objects, it got everywhere. I think typing it back is fair enough to be honest

Could you offer to use a hand held vacuum on the bed, sofa, throw etc from time to time. Not a full clean but just a quick job to remove most of the hair.
Considering you know that you shed more than average and that you have long dark hair, I would be considerate and try to minimise the hair left behind. No, I wouldn’t agree to never have my
hair down. But I wouldn’t mind picking them up a bit more often, brushing my hair mid-day or other small things.

Same! Lots of people have said "oh your hair is so thick!", but in reality it is thin AF but there's just LOTS of it. My hairdresser always tries to give it volume but it's just limp. 😅Mine is waist length as well so it is everywhere, and sometimes DH comments on it but he doesn't really care, which is awesome because I can shed in peace.

In what way is very long hair unhygienic?

I wondered that too, @Benjilassi Dirty hair is unhygienic, but long hair is... long. Surely?

People clearly have batshit attitudes of hair on this thread lol its mental some responses

How?

There is absoloutly nothing unhygienic about hair and length certainly doesn't effect that. If anything hair is usually dirtier closer to the roots.

I think PP means it getting in places where it shouldn't be and creating visible mess.there's also a bigger chance it comes into contact with other objects nd it has a bigger surface area to pick up dust/pathogens etc.

But really, none of these other things are relevant. Only the first. And length isn't always related to shedding.

He's worried because he has to do all the cleaning of it?

Why look for trouble if he's nice and asked politely? I like long hair and a beard on a man. If my DP had long hair and it was getting everywhere I could honestly both appreciate his hair and see this as a practical solution in my house. If he's only asking her to do it in his house it's not controlling her appearance.

Everything is disgusting when it's human waste; nails, hair, skin etc. My DS has a friend who sheds hair eveywhere in his room when it's not attached so I would say a ponytail helps. I always put my hair in a ponytail at home before preparing dinner etc so it makes sense to me that your boyfriend is fed up with hair everywhere. I wouldnt mind wearing a hairnet if I had your hair but if you mind he is clearly not the one for you because if he's nice about it now just wait until you're married:)