To think that 'I'll be out for a couple hours' means 'I'll be out for two hours' (or close, at least)?

[JustMeSammy]

It wouldn't mean around four hours? Or AIBU?

This will be quite long but I don#t want to leave information out.

I am an oldie on here but I've changed my name in case anybody recognises the situation who knows me or her-I don't know whether to call her DP as we don't live together and haven't been seeing one another very long.

We met at work when I was on secondment in her area but I live around 2 and a half/three hours from her and we decided to just see what happened and if it worked we could look at getting a place together.

There was an event in a town near her this Saturday just gone that we both fancied going to so she invited me over for the weekend. IIf I visit I normally just stay Friday and Saturdya night but this one, I told her that as I had the Monday off too this week, maybe I could stay over Sunday night and we could do something Sunday too?

She said yes that would be good, but that she was doing her hobby that day, but that she'd only be gone a couple of hours. She offered to not do it but I said no, that's fine, I don't mind being left for a couple of hours. She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

We go to event on Saturday, all good and on the way back we stop for a drink, and I ask something like 'Okay remind me about tomorrow, when are you leaving and coming back so we can plan what we can do' and she said she'd be leaving around 12:30pm and back around 16:30 pm.

I was a bit like 'WTF you said you'd be gone a couple of hours and that's 4?! She said 'yeh a couple of hours' I said no, a couple of hours is two hours! I can easily kill a couple of hours at yours but not 4! We argued although not a 'heated' argument as I am a very 'cool' person and don't like to argue but in the end she said 'right I won't go then!!!' And I said no, you go. I think that if she DIDN'T go she'd tell her hobby friends that I had stopped her or told her not to and I don't want that

I am really quite annoyed. Feel I am worth a bit more than that-if she's going to have me over she can't be gone out for the best part of the day (and a quarter of it) I'd also never do that to her.

She continued to argue that a couple of hours doesn't have to mean two.
She also kept explaining things like 'well the thing at hobby takes two hours but I've got to get there and back and that takes X amount of time and then I have to be there a bit of time before and then we have to do this afterwards....' etc etc and I said none of that is relevant! You said a couple of hours and you meant four!

I tried framing it to her that if her work asked her to stay behind for two hours, and she agreed but then they expected her to stay behind for four, would that be okay? She said 'Wouldn't bother me!' so I said well you'd just do four hours woudl you?

She said no!

I asked if we were a couple and she says yes, and I said 'well how many of us are there!!'

As it was, I came home today I felt quite unwanted and unappreciated. It's quite a long drive, and I was looking forward to another day with her. I didn't mind two hours, but not four.

I have no idea how this thread is going to go!

AIBU to have left?
AIBU to feel unwanted/unappreciated?

AIBU to think that 'couple of hours' means two hours (obviously with a bit of give and take, I'd not mind if someone said a couple of hours and it turned out to be just under or over).

AIBU to think It's rude to have someone be with you for the day and then bog off to do something else for a lot of it, leaving them by themselves in a town they don't know? At least without telling them the truth about it?

I'd never do that and I told her this-to which she said that it wouldn't bother her if I did.

*But I can’t help thinking that this is a bit of a red flag on her part.

If it was me and I was going out for 4 hours, I would be really specific about how long I was going to be so my DP knew how long to entertain himself for etc.
Especially if I was usually only 2 hours but this time it was twice as long.

I would be asking if my DP definitely wanted to still come, even though I’d be gone for a chunk of the day or leave it until a different day.*

This is it for me too. I'd be very specific and make sure DP understood before making the choices. I think It's important.

I think I would assume the activity itself was a couple of hours ( two, two and a half) then add in travelling, clearing up or putting stuff away, getting changed, chatting , maybe a cup of tea afterwards, it could all easily take up more time.

And I can’t think why anyone couldn’t entertain themselves for four hours on a warm summers day, shopping, walking around an area, sitting in a park, having something to eat …no problem at all.

I feel that way. I can see that others are implying that they wouldn't mind, or that a couple can mean four (does that mean a 'couple next door' could mean a group of swingers )

I should've probably mentioned in the OP how long it has taken before, I think that may be quite crucial into why I had no idea it would be twice as long as usual this time, plus the use of 'couple'.

It is usually less than a couple of hours including travel (which I should have put in the OP I realise).

I can entertain myself fine. I just felt it important that she told me beforehand, how long she would be.

I think you are being too literal, and coming across as controlling. She clearly used the word couple meaning a few..

For me, a couple means two. A few means three. Any more than that and I'd say the number of hours (usually adding ish to the end, like four ish hours etc). But that's just me.

DW is terrible at timekeeping but I've got used to it over the years. However she once did upset me during our first few months of dating when she travelled to see me with her friend driving her. Told me she'd be a few hours, but they stopped for something to eat and drink and it ended up taking her 6 hours. Due to distance we saw each other once a month for two nights and I'll admit, I got a little moody that day.

So I wouldn't say YABU but sometimes it's just one of those things that you learn about each other as you go along.

She did, I just wish due to the circumstances, that she hadn't, or that she'd realised this would double the time she'd be away and said something to make sure I could understand the situation properly.

She lives in a lovely place and I would just go to the shops or go grab a drink somewhere and read my book or whatever (or hang about at hers, weather/mood depending).

but then when people call you out for being pedantic and unable to occupy yourself, it’s suddenly a horrible place, and not actually hanging out at hers at all because you have to stay with her friend 🤔

Really sorry OP but you’ve misled us and we have chosen to provide advice based on your lies, I’d have liked to have had an informed choice about whether I spent my time responding to genuine posts rather than you being deliberately misleading.

I honestly was just trying to not out myself or her, by changing a few details that is all. I realise I've left some things out that I shouldn't have. I know some people 'drip feed' to get agreement but all I can do really is promise that I don't do that and am definitely not doing it here.
It's a very impoverished seaside town, but does have a nice beach.

@PrincessPeache

not to mention the I can't stay at her parents meaning I don't want to stay at her parents.

im not sure the gf is the one at fault here.

She was people pleasing and trying to accommodate you, but she would probably have been better to say that she wasn’t available for most of the day, as had pre-arranged plans.

She's mid forties. I seldom see her and she doesn't like telephone calls so I couldn't be 'needy' if I tried. Yes of course, but I think being long distance means things work slightly differently to that.

Why would you stay at her parents anyway, when you’re both in your 40s?

Consider that, by her understanding, she believes she did explain how long she’d be gone. She thought you’d understand “a couple of hours” to mean “a few hours, maybe with travel time added on top”. For her, saying “a couple of hours” signals “I’m not sure quite how long it will be, but it will still leave us a decent amount of time together”. (This is probably what it would mean for me, too.)

The hardest miscommunications to avoid are often the ones based on these idiomatic, colloquial uses of language that can vary in meaning between people from different places, or different generations, or different family backgrounds, or different neurotypes. In these cases, everyone involved assumes that their interpretation is what the words “actually mean”, and other interpretations are somehow twisting the “real” meaning. But very few words have a stable meaning for all speakers in all situations.

The “real meaning” of a word or idiom is whatever a particular community of speakers agrees it to be, and sometimes communities disagree (often quite significantly), even about words that feel really basic and obvious and as though they can only possibly mean one thing. Nobody is trying to mislead or lie; it’s just the inevitable result of how language circulates around smaller and larger groups, changing at different rates and in different ways.

"A couple of..." = 2 or 3 to me. It's a loose approximation of time rather than a rigid two. But 4 is pushing it!!!

It's made me very sad as I really enjoyed it, but I saw her point of view. It also never interfered with our time together, I didn't do it when she was here as it took me out of the house for about 2 and a half hours and took up some weekend evenings.

@JustMeSammy

you can't keep on about a couple being 2 people so a couple of hours has to be 2. Context is everything.

why won't you stay at her parents?

why won't she stay at an airbnb/hotel?

how was she malicious previously?

I understand that. I am not going to labour the point with her,or even mention it again.
I just didn't like that she didn't think about me at all, and that she didn't think 'hang on, I'll be gone much longer than normal' and let me know.

What I may have done is gone for a drink/walk/whatever and headed back to hers and wondered where she was, had I not initiated the conversation last night. I doubt she'd have mentioned it again.

Why did you see her point of view? You were fine with it before you met her..

@splatmouse Several doesn't mean seven, it just means more than two.

OP, I remember your previous thread, but I can't remember - do you have autism? You seem to have a very rigid and literal thinking that seems to cause real difficulties in your relationship with this partner. Are you actually enjoying the being with her when you are so fixed on what is "the truth", to the point where more than once you've left them early?

I agree, and I think in this context it was important to let me know the correct amount of time-if a couple is nebulous, I needed no ambiguity here.

Her father abuses her Mother, abused her as a child and tried to rape her ex girlfriend. I don't want to be under his roof, especially alone.

She just doesn't want to. She has dogs, one of which isn't well-trained and might pee on the floor etc and if she left them at her parent's she'd have go get up early to go home and walk them.

The final question is something I'd have to really think about how to approach on a thread-there's a lot-I have to go and do something soon but I will be back with some examples.

I already answered this upthread. No, I am allistic, DP is autistic.

I don't think I have posted anything else about rigid thinking at all-this is literally the first time anyone (RL or on here) has said that about me!

Well maybe dump her & go back to dancing. I think that would bring you more joy.

she 'doesn't like' quite a lot of things. Your dancing. Hotels, phone calls.. god knows what else.

you're in your 40's, not teens. Time to find yourself! I'm sorry about your previous relationship. Maybe you'd get something out of doing the Freedom program?

take this one off your hook

I think that this episode is demonstration that you both think differently about the relationship.
If it is even a relationship, you see each other infrequently and don't talk on the phone.

Cut your loses and end it

Also please stop saying “allistic”. You’re neurotypical. I hate this trend of “allistic” implying neurodiverse people aren’t ‘complete’. It’s offensive.