Selfie in hospital with dying relative

[TheAverageJoanne]

My uncle died in hospital this morning after a stroke on Friday. My cousin (his nephew) posted a selfie on Facebook of himself by my uncle's bedside with a caption saying he was spending precious moments with him. I don't know if he was dead or alive or when the picture was actually taken but I'm furious. My uncle was visible laid out in the bed. I feel very upset about it and I think it's really distasteful. Do you, or is it me being oversensitive?

We still do those things though, I have a ring that contains my husband's ashes. People take fingerprints or a lock of hair, it's not uncommon and it's often offered by the funeral directors

What’s gone wrong with people? Is nothing private anymore?

It makes me laugh that a few people have brought up Victorians like their behaviour is something to aspire to?! 😂

They also sent very young kids up chimneys and poor families to the workhouse.

Good old Victorian values 😂

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think people have lost sight of how inappropriate it is to do this because of the way we use our camera these days. I take a couple of photos most days just of silly things and I like that I can scroll back in my camera to what I was doing at any given time in my life over the past 10 years, kind of like a diary. So, I totally get the urge to want to record something so monumental - and if I was someone who posted online I might want to do that too. I've occasionally been doing something and automatically wanted to take a photo and then realised it's inappropriate to for whatever reason eg wanting to take a photo in a medical setting because that's the main thing going on for me at that time.

The key factors here that make this inappropriate of course that the photo is of someone in a vulnerable moment who couldn't consent to it. And then that it's posted online - again the subject of the photo couldn't consent and it's also then shown to people without warning who might find it distressing (as you have). Both of these things cross a boundary for me and I agree it's really distasteful.

But grief makes people do funny things so I think I'd leave it for the sake of family harmony. Your cousin maybe thought this was a way of showing his love/honouring your uncle/perhaps even reaching out for support from friends - who knows. I'm sorry that you've had to see it and that it's added to your upset; I hope you're able to have some time today remembering your uncle in the way you want to.

Lots of hospitals don't allow any photography because of privacy reasons and also because the camera may interfere with medical equipment. Did this cousin even ask permission from the hospital?

It is totally disrespectful towards everyone concerned and very distasteful all round. He should be ashamed of himself (but we all know he won't be).

This is gross.

It is in poor taste, and no doubt designed to solicit sympathy from other social media (never met) best friends. But I'm afraid you need to let it go. I'd you feel so strongly, then ask him to take it down because you want to remember him as he really was, and that this picture shows him at his lowest time and shouldn't be the last image of someone who had lived a whole lifetime...

Very strange behaviour, I would be horrified too. A few years ago an acquaintance of mine posted a pic of ‘Auntie Jane’ being lowered into the ground, I thought that was in very bad taste but this really takes the biscuit. I’m not sure that I would be able to stop myself from saying something in your shoes.

Thank you everyone for comments and thoughts. My cousin, my late uncle's son has now spoken in person to our other cousin and asked him to remove the picture. It's gone from social media but he probably has a picture on his phone. It really was poor taste and very upsetting. My cousin also has two young daughters who really didn't need that as a final reminder of Grandpa.

The cousin who posted it is something of an attention junkie and the selfie of him was not very natural. He was posing. It really was very crass. It looked like a still from Inside No 9 it was that terrible. He really didn't think but that's him all over with social media tiktok etc. Some people have no filter.

The funeral is next week so arranged very quickly.

Yanbu. I do know one friend that took a picture of her hand in her grannys hand a couple of hours before she died. However it never been shared on Facebook. She used the picture to draw a picture for her mum. Ive seen the drawing and it's beautiful and means a lot to the mum.

Sorry for your loss

The funeral is next week so arranged very quickly.

@TheAverageJoanne if there are any wishes around posting/not posting funeral photos on social media, I'd make them known now.

Hope the funeral goes as well as can be expected

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope everything goes okay next week.

I would fucking haunt anyone who put a photo of me dying, on Facebook. And I hope this bloke's uncle haunts him too.

It's disgusting. I don't want to be seen and remembered that way, and I certainly don't want my daughters to be faced with someone doing that.

I agree. Absolutely revolting.

Surely a dying person in hospital is not a photo opportunity for the likes,and poor you comments.

Same with my sister. Never went near DDad in his last five years as she could no longer borrow money off him because she had failed to pay him back so many times. She had only seen him four times in the ten years prior. Only went to see him in his last few days because my SIL told her to and then has put a load of total BS on her SM about the loss of her father.

Absolutely no shame.

I think it is different when its done privately for yourself, people are different. But to put it out there on SM is a disgrace and attention seeking.
A few months ago a father in a youtube family died and his wife gave birth immediately after, she put photos of the baby in his arms, in his coffin and other very similar photos, I didn't see them but thousands did, why do that? for your own memories maybe, as it would be the only way to see them together, but on your SM is dreadful.

As you say it is just attention seeking. Some people seem to think that the only way to validate their own existence is to have it plastered all over the internet for the whole world to see. In the same way that "any publicity is good publicity" they probable think that as long as they are "seen" it doesn't matter in what context.

I don't really know what a youtube family is but I imagine them to be the sort of people who do this sort of thing and believe that in doing so they are going to be the next Kardashians. They don't care how crass or inappropriate the subject and pictures are as long as everyone gets to see them.

It is really sad and pathetic behaviour and massively disrespectful to the dead or dying person and their family and friends, unless for some weird reason the subject has given proper permission or asked them to do it. The only hospital photo situation I can think of when it would be good, is a picture of a new baby to show friends and family who are perhaps too far away to visit and to celebrate this new life.

I am pleased for the OP that this particular photo has been removed and that there are no repeats of this at the funeral and that the day goes as well as it can.

God, nothing is sacred these days- can’t die in bloody peace without someone wanting a selfie 😩

I agree. You can’t compare modern selfies with that. A ‘selfie’ is exactly that: all about me, egotistical, self-centred.
And there’s something insincere about a selfie with a dying relative. If you are truly heart broken or grieving it would be the last thing on your mind.

I agree; the very first thing some people think to do, is post their feelings/reaction/grief. Repugnant.

I have taken a lot of photos & videos of my dad stages of dementia & hosp stays but I would not dream of posting on social media, it’s purely for my brain to process. I certainly wouldn’t want a photo of him dying or dead 😩