Selfie in hospital with dying relative

[TheAverageJoanne]

My uncle died in hospital this morning after a stroke on Friday. My cousin (his nephew) posted a selfie on Facebook of himself by my uncle's bedside with a caption saying he was spending precious moments with him. I don't know if he was dead or alive or when the picture was actually taken but I'm furious. My uncle was visible laid out in the bed. I feel very upset about it and I think it's really distasteful. Do you, or is it me being oversensitive?

Good grief (no pun intended) that's shocking.

I also do not understand the rush to post notifications of a relative’s death on Facebook, especially when there is close or closer family who have not been notified yet.
It seems immediate family now has to rush to tell everyone that needs to know by phone or in person so that they don’t see the news in a general post on Facebook first and be upset. Meanwhile the poster is receiving all the tributes and sympathy on FB. Grief vultures indeed.

I kinda get the photo of hand holding etc for personal memories or maybe to share with close relatives. But to stick it on social media.... I think it is disrespectful, distasteful and totally unnecessary. Its just grim.

I'm with you @Starlingexpress it's not anything I'd ever do & yeah posting it online is crass & in very poor taste, keep a photo if you must, I couldn't think of anything worse tbh I hate dead bodies they never look like the person

My brother did this with my dad, posted it to his Twitter for 1000s of followers to see - almost all of whom didn’t know my dad or my brother for that matter. It was all for sympathy and attention and so disrespectful to my very private dad who would have been horrified. I don’t think you have a right to do it with anyone , even your own parent.

This is how I found our my grandma died who I adored.
My aunt put it on FB whilst still at the hospital. My parents had left the hospital with the aim to phone us when they got home after a very long sleepless night.
It was horrid and something we (siblings, cousins and other relatives) still discuss and feel annoyed/upset at.

The rush to announce on social media wasn't needed.

It honestly did not occur to me to take any pictures at all when my mum was dying. I just wanted to be in the moment with her and I have my memories which do not need to be embellished with photographic evidence

That said I have never felt any desire to photograph myself or a loved one at a hospital more generally and yet it seems to be a commonplace thing to do these days. I hope people do still draw the line somewhere and don't take pics of their colonoscopy or having their piles banded!

I feel moved to take pictures of things that are happy and or beautiful and make a pretty picture on the whole. Or maybe something funny sometimes.

Really? Why on earth would you post that to a public forum?

Can you really not see how this is dishonouring him?

If it's just that he took a photo then you're being over-sensitive, IMO. The Victorians did that sort of thing all the time; it's not a modern trend: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-36389581. If it's the fact that he splashed it all over SM... then I feel you; it's not how I want to grieve.

Taking its one thing, posting it is utterly crass. I’ve seen people post photos of their hand holding the (about to be) dead person’s. So tasteless.

So crass.

Not dead, but DM constantly posts pictures of her with her sister on FB - her sister has Alzheimers and is not in a position to give consent. The photos are of her often looking distressed or being fed, etc. Very weird but DM loves the 'You're so brave' comments that invariably follow.

OP are you certain your uncle didn’t consent to it? He wasn’t sometimes conscious before he passed?

I ask, because the night my dad went into a hospice he actually asked me to take some photos of the two of us. It was completely his idea and I did my best to fulfil his request. In the pictures though he looks out of it. I’ve never posted them anywhere or mentioned it to anyone. But if my mam saw the pictures (not knowing my dad’s request) I think she would be upset like you are, and think I’d done it of my own accord.

I personally think it's very disrespectful. This happened within my extended family when a person put up a picture of their dying mum who was in a very undignified position and had a contorted face. I couldn't for the life of me understand why he did it. His poor mum would have been utterly mortified. Facebook is not the place for this. Sorry this has happened.

My aunt did this at my grandmothers funeral real, it was awful! Not just family, the whole coffin arrival, going behind the curtain. She even took horrible photographs of her in hospital dying - she was her child but still

I would never do this and agree it is crass. But depending on the age of your nephew and the generation he is in, it might have felt like the natural thing to do and be a way of coping? I feel like certain generations would consider not posting anything on social media when someone dies to be more disrespectful as it might appear that you didn’t care. Again I don’t agree with this but trying to relate to younger people.

He's in his 40s

I wouldn’t raise it, now or ever, but I completely understand how you feel. Unfortunately social media means the bar of common decency hasn’t just been lowered - it’s virtually non-existent. Nothing is sacred in the lust for attention.

It's distasteful at the very least
A photo is acceptable but to post for attention is disgraceful and he knows it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

He's also not my nephew, he's my cousin.

I don't agree with it being a generational thing. I'm in my 30s, and think it is absolutely disgusting. I wouldn't do it at any age. It is an integrity thing imo.

I took photos of my mum when she was dying. I know she would have wanted some last precious memories for her grandchildren to look back on.

They are private however and I don't understand why anyone would share something like that. It's so tacky and disrespectful.

Totally agree with you, grief thief!

If I was there, I would have slapped the phone out of his hand. Then gave him a firm slap across his head.

When my mother died, my eldest brother's daughter - who lived about 200m away from my parents but had not set foot on their house (though had happily parked outside to drop off and pick up her child for free childcare with them) for more than 5 years - posted on Facebook about how upset she was. She'd known my mother was dying of cancer and was bedridden at home for months, as her own mother was a frequent visitor.

My Dad lived for a further five and a half years on his own and guess what? Yep, she couldn't be arsed to visit him, either.