Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

[SunshineOceanAndOranges]

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

Im not sure why it's an issue. Your DP is there, you get to recover at home? Yes you miss out on seeing your friend but she will understand.

To be clear, 'DP' here means parents who can't possibly be expected to host everyone (my DCs + guests) in my absence. DH will be working.

Tough one and I’d feel a bit like you I think. However, you’ll just have to say something like ‘Hi friend, I think it’s best that, as I won’t be there at the same time as you, and won’t be up to hosting afterward due to XYZ, it’s best if you come another time. Hope that’s ok?’ If you’re able to, maybe offer an alternative date to soften the blow.

I don’t really understand? Your parents, your child and your friend and her child will all be away together and you will be at home? Your friend can help your parents and the children can entertain each other. Much easier for your parents than having to entertain a child all by themselves.

Have you spoken to your parents about whether they will be happy to host if you make it clear to your friend that she will need to pitch in?

If she is as close a friend as you say, then you should be able to be completely up front and honest with her. And if she takes it badly, then you will know that she is not as good a friend as you thought.

Why does she need hosting? She’s a grown ass friend of the family, she needs to shop, cook and clean for herself and her children.

If you can't manage then you have to cancel not hint. Yanbu to cancel friend and dd. Yabu to expect them to cancel rather than put you at ease that they don't expect much hosting when you hint. They probably believe they will be a good help/distraction.

I'm another one who isn't understanding, sorry - why does she need hosting if she's at your parents holiday home? Are your parents and daughter going to be there at the same time, in the same house?

So you and your DC were being hosted by your DPs and your friend and her dd were going also?
You can no longer go but your df is still going with her dd without you?
You would hope that df would realise that she should wait until you're back on your feet (literally), not lumber herself on your DPs.
This is going to be awkward as df clearly just wants the holiday regardless.
I'd tell her straight that it's too much for your DPs and you need to rearrange until you can attend, I suspect she's not going to be happy as they'll be looking forward to it, arranged leave from work etc.
Bite the bullet and tell her asap, good luck 🤞

If she is a good friend explain the situation. Why wouldn't you? Explain that in your absence she would need to be helping your parents and it won't be the holiday she originally planned and therefore would she rather rearrange until next year.

A good friend will either step up to help your parents or will not be bothered about rearranging now that circumstances have changed. If she is bothered then she isn't the friend you thought she was.

I agree. I have to be upfront - and I have actually. I told her the situation and that I don't know really how I'll be feeling or how much we can do together. However I cannot tell her I just don't want her around. It's much more complicated than that even though essentially I don't want anyone around for a while.

For those saying she can cook etc. Yes, of course, but we all know it's not always that simple when it's not your own kitchen. My DPs have their own habits, probably will tell her to leave it as they're too well-meaning for their own good... It's just hard to gauge. It could be great fun and a great help or a complete disaster (not least because I'm not really in the right headspace).

What's all this 'hosting' nonsense?

She's a very old, very close friend according to you.

She can look after herself and her daughter, and do her fair share so your parents don't have to do anything for her.

Just tell her the situation and I'm sure she'll be pleased to just get on with her nice holiday.

OP, I'm a little confused. Will you be there at your DP's holiday home as well, or is it just going to be your DD, your friend and her DD, and your DP?

It sounds as if you're worried that you won't be able to keep an eye on things, and that your DP might not be able to handle everything on their own? Have you spoken to them about their thoughts on this? Gently, I wonder if your worries are more to do with everything you've been through recently (which would be understandable!), rather than being realistic concerns. I really don't mean that to sound harsh, but I'm unsure how else to word it. It's difficult to gauge a situation from a post, though, and you know the ins and outs better than any of us!

I'm probably overthinking this. I have told her the situation.
I completely recognise I'm the problem here.

what age are the children involved?

If this was my close friend I’d just tell her and she would be disappointed but she would graciously accept it because she cares about me.
i have had friends in the past who would have kicked off but as it turned out they weren’t the close friends I thought they were but over the years I’ve learned how true friends even when they are annoyed take the other friends feelings into account because they care for the other person in the relationship

I would if it’s possible suggest moving it to something like the October break if school is an issue or another date that works.

she might be quite annoyed as she won’t now be able to organise something else and I assume this was meant to be the family holiday this year.

on another note I know you’re dp’s know your friend but is it not a bit weird that everyone is going on holiday together even after you have had to pull out (as you are the link) maybe they themselves don’t feel comfortable pulling out now it’s organised but they must be having some quiet reservations as it’s a significantly different scenario than they signed up to. Or am I the odd one to think that?

I’m very confused about the logistics.

Your parents own a holiday home. You have invited your friend and her DD to stay for two weeks at the same time that you would be there and also your parents would be there? Is that correct?

Now you can’t go because of an op? Or you are having a procedure and still going on this holiday? I’m not sure?

I don’t understand, it’s your dps holiday home, not yours? Surely they’ve invited her and she can go? Or did you invite her?

The plan was for her to come now but I can't as I have the procedure scheduled at hospital. So 1) she still goes as planned and I pretty much let everyone get on without me but I will have to trust all is ok (and in normal circumstances I would be fine with that) or 2) they wait for me to be available to travel and come then but I might still feel awful.
Yes, I am very anxious at the moment and keep imagining disaster scenarios because of the various recent events. I have been as upfront as I could with everyone. Re hosting: my DPs are very generous and eager to host, but they will just want to do too much and spoil everyone and then I'll have to pick up the pieces when I do eventually get there and (selfishly) I was hoping I could get a bit of TLC for a bit but maybe that's unreasonable.

This ^^, it's very confusing.

It sounds more like FOMO then OP.

Your parents are grown adults, they'll do as much as they want to.

Your 'very close friend who is pretty much part of the family', will do her fair share.

There's nothing else to worry about.

Really sorry OP but even with your update I’m not sure about the details. Will you be there or not?

"her daughter is 3 years older" - so are the girls 3 and 6, 12 and 15, 30 and 33???!

It is THAT kind of context you need to explain as it makes a difference to the answers posters give

My own trip is delayed. Friend's plans were initially for her visit to be now but she might be flexible to some extent.