Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

[SunshineOceanAndOranges]

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

You haven't answered how old your parents are. I think that makes a difference

I'm finding your posts are slightly confusing and I wonder if it's because you're feeling very anxious.

If so, could it be that you've not been clear.enough with your friend. Have you been totally honest about what's happening to you? If not why not?

Equally, I think you should talk to your adult parents.

Also, is your dh aware of how you're feeling? Can he support you in managing this situation?

OP Read this!!

It's not all on you. Get RL support.

Exactly this. Nail on the head.
Of course, I will talk to my DD about safety but if it goes ahead I don't think I'll be able to relax for one minute because that's how bad I'm really feeling. Fully aware this isn't totally rational but I can't control this even though I've tried.

DH needs to fight for his own job so unnavailable. I've just lost mine (got bullied out of it and that's putting it very mildly)

OK, from your updates OP, which don’t shed a huge amount of light on the logistics, but they do signify that your mental health isn’t great right now?

I think that is affecting your view of this situation and you are catastrophising. That’s not meant as a criticism, I do it myself when very anxious.

I think you should focus on yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Stay at home with DD and recover from your procedure. Visit the holiday home next time your parents stay there.

It would be pretty rude to tell friend she can’t go if she has an open invitation from your parents as you have indicated.

I hope you feel better soon.

What? So your DD is travelling with your friend and her DD without you to the holiday?

Why?

Thank you all. I understand it's not easy to convey why this is such an issue for me.
I will try and talk to my friend very seriously as soon as I can so she can understand this is a difficult time for me and then I'll leave it up to them and the other adults in the family to handle.

I think you need to message your friend or ask your DH to and say really sorry but due to everything going on and you being unwell and being out of action you are going to have to cancel for now and rearrange for another time. Don’t ask. Don’t hint. Just say it’s not going to work now.

One clear way of communicating with your friend would be to contact her and say 'I've been thinking about this year's holiday and I'm really sad I won't be there. I'm feeling quite anxious about all sorts of things at the moment, including worrying about how Jenny and Ralph will cope with you and the children on their own. They get really tired and a bit muddled these days. They don't like to admit it but they lean increasingly heavily on me for events like this — and because I'm not going to be there to support them I'm wondering how they'll cope. I'm not going to be well enough myself to be able to go and look after them after this procedure. So this is why I want to ask you a favour. I know how much you've been looking forward to this break, but for this year, with everything that's happened, I want to ask you if it's possible to make other arrangements/ only go for a week/ whatever.'

Am I right in thinking that OP's DD will be going to stay with her grandparents anyway, whether the friend and her daughter are there or not? I can't help thinking that two tired elderly folk might find looking after a lively six-year-old (perhaps one anxious about what's happened to mum) much more difficult on their own than if they had another competent adult to help with cooking, laundry and general. day-to-day management, plus a known nine-year-old who will play with the six-year-old and give the GP's a break. They've got more chance of having an afternoon nap or an evening off-duty with your friend there, surely, OP?

*So your DD is travelling with your friend and her DD without you to the holiday?

Why?*

Because my DPs are taking their grandkids on holiday with them to their house, which is already lovely of them. I was meant to tag along asap and be there when friend and her daughter were going to stay with us. Now that's been upset because of my health and I may not be there for those weeks.

I think you are struggling emotionally/mentally. I think you just need to be clear with your friend and tell her that you are struggling and that your anxiety is through the roof and you need time to address it and pull through. Let her know that you need to ‘burrow’ for a bit. Tell her that you’d like the holiday visit to be deferred until you’re feeling more in control. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand. Sometimes, hiding behind the facade of ‘everything is fine’ doesn’t allow others to see that it’s not.

'Burrow' is a great word to describe what I'd like to do. I've found even meeting up for coffees with friends a struggle recently. I haven't slept for weeks.

Do you think you could talk to your DF and be really honest about how you are feeling, about how you are worried your DPs will do too much and ask her to think about only going for the visit if she is going to cook, clean and watch both girls like a hawk…be honest about your worries about them being on the beach.

If she is a good friend, she will understand and step up to help you by helping your DPs and looking after your daughter. Can you give her a chance to help you?

If she dissembles or hesitates, then suggest rescheduling her holiday for a good couple of weeks after you have recovered.

@SunshineOceanAndOranges

I understand you are anxious about it all, so that might be magnifying your worries, but if this is a long-time friend and part of the family, why do you think asking/telling her that she can't come due to your illness would risk tour friendship? I get that she might be disappointed, but if she is such a good pal, surely she would be fine about it and more concerned about your health?

Like if it was the other way round, you wouldn't ditch her?

Ah OP. You’re clearly struggling mentally and physically right now and that’s entirely ok. I think your anxiety is making you catastrophise a bit (again understandable). How would sending something like the below feel?

“Jenny, I am so sorry but I need to postpone our holiday this summer. I feel terrible to do this but I am just not recovering well physically or mentally from the trauma and I can’t expect Mum and Dad to host everyone right now- much as they love us all (including you) I just think it would be too much for them and it’s making me anxious. Your friendship means the world to me and I am so sorry to let you down. Please can we reschedule for a happier time?”

"I'm really unwell so won't be able to do as much hosting as I normally do - I'm sure you understand."

"My parents get tired these days so they won't be able to either."

The end.

Stop causing drama where there is none 🙄

That is a lovely message @Blink282
My friend has had her own struggles and I feel like a shit friend basically.

Are there going to be other children/adults there?

My teenage DD1 but no other adults and DD1 will want to do her own thing with friends.

I don't think you are the problem because I don't think there is one.
She can look after herself and her DD

So you don't want the family friend to have the holiday she planned with you parents because you think they'll be too tired to look after you when you go to stay with them later on?

You think she should lose that holiday or make herself available at a time convenient to you so that she and your parents can look after you?

I don't think it will come as a complete shock to your friend if you message to postpone. You have already laid the groundwork. You need to look after yourself mentally and physically and if worrying about your 6 year old daughter being led astray is the straw that breaks the camel's back then you need to postpone. You cannot look after anyone else until you are strong yourself.

I’m baffled by all this.

So you consider your parents well enough to look after your young child without you. You actually say “grandkids” so there will be other children. Will their parents also be visiting?

So they are up to this hosting, but the second YOU are taken out of the equation, your parents will be unable to cope and everything will go to shit?

It just doesn’t sound credible.

Is there a huge piece of pertinent information missing?

So is DD1 taking friends on the holiday?

This thread is just getting more and more confusing.