Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

[SunshineOceanAndOranges]

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

Are your parents not capable of making their own decisions? I’d be very cross indeed if my dc were implying that hosting would be too much for me and I do too much for my own good or am not capable of making decisions about who is in my kitchen or not all in the guise of looking out for me. I honestly can’t understand the worry-if you have concerns about your dc, tell her or keep your dc at home.

This. Because I think you'd need to reimburse any costs if she moves it along a few weeks.

Well if you’re that worried, just don’t let younger DD go until you go.

So cancel you're own kid's holiday, instead of cancelling hers!

Jeez.

Instead of spoiling your friends and her DD’s holiday plans couldn’t you ask your teen DD1 to help your parents with looking after DD2 and general hosting? Maybe give her some pocket money for this.

I wouldn’t ask a close friend not to come under the circumstances, especially if the main reason is that you want your parents not to be too tired for when you come back. However I would explicitly ask your friend to make sure she helps them, if she is a family friend she will know how they are re over-doing things.

Also, if your friend didn’t go, your parents would be looking after your DDs, why wouldn’t that be the case if your friend is there?

just make it clear to everyone you do not want your daughter swimming without an adult present. This seems your biggest worry

It is. I got caught in that riptide some years ago swimming with a friend of my eldest DC. I got us out of it but I still have nightmares thinking about it and the recent stress has literally made that resurface. My friend has visited before but she really REALLY doesn't realise how treacherous it is.

OK. She can come but she's not allowed to take my DD to that beach without me. She must drive to a safer one down the coast or not visit. Full stop.

@SunshineOceanAndOranges

Sorry, haven’t read all the responses - but I’m completely with you here. It’s difficult making decisions over : what to eat, where to go, what activities to do, what’s safe/acceptable. It’s hard work within a family, let alone people you don’t know so well. Someone will dominate, someone will feel like they need to take a back seat. I think your parents will feel responsible as it’s their place. Plus when you do join you won’t be feeling 100%, and don’t want conflicts/stress over what is/isn’t safe. E.g. when I’m at the beach, I always ensure an inflatable is tied to a rope/doesn’t go out of depth - but the number of children/parents I see not doing this is the majority. Maybe I’m too cautious, but hey that’s me.

I think you say - because of my injury I don’t feel up to it this year. Why not try next year? It sounds like you’re doing her a favour anyway, and she should understand that you’re not feeling 100%. If she is such a good friend, she’ll understand.

From reading the whole thread it sounds like you're worrying because you're anxious from recent life events and an upcoming procedure, and it's actually not related to any of this.

Given your mental health and that you're having a procedure, it sounds like you'd be better off staying at home recovering and getting some peaceful alone time and leaving them to it.

Your parents will be able to deal with everything better than you currently can, and your friend is presumably an equally responsible adult who can see where and when they need to help. They are already good friends and know each other.

They will call you or your DH if they need you for anything, same goes for your daughters.

They all know what they're doing and will cope fine, no one is going to die in a riptide.

By the way, my friend is driving - no travel costs involved other than petrol.

@greenpolarbear

"No one is going to die in a riptide"

Most people caught in a riptide, many people cannot read the sea and riptides look the calmest place to go into swim.

I think it's a case of as long as everyone respects the OP decision on visit X beach then all will be fine.

YANBU.

‘ I am more anxious than normal and my decades-long friend is not really getting it. I don't know how to tell her I'm unwell in more ways than one.’

Well I heard you loud & clear. Your friend ‘chooses’ not to hear because her free/subsidised holiday is at risk & also she has some attachment to your parents? But she is not their child.

You are not on form right now, recent events have depleted you, & you are waiting for further essential treatment that will require rest & recuperation? You are already anxious about your situation, you have family responsibilities, your DH has to keep his work going as well as look after you & your young DD, your DPs have limited emotional & physical resources as well as their concerns for you???
What friend does not hear that?

I am of your DP’s life stage & it is all too easy to become depleted by everyday activities & it takes time to recalibrate expectations to what the heart, body & soul can manage. Also we like to put up a good show, so if your DPs don’t have you nearby & in tiptop form, they may struggle a bit more. So I manage my time with nieces & nephews accordingly - this much time & effort, no more otherwise I get overtired & irritable - some combinations of the N&Ns are great, others going through age stages & not so predictable. I say that it is BU to expect your DPs - obviously still lively - to manage the differing needs & interests of a 6 & 9yo, even if good friend is nearby.

So @SunshineOceanAndOranges you don’t have FOMO, I think that you are being very sensible, but you are having a bit of a struggle to put aside the ‘happy family’ scenarios that you may have all had in the past. This year that beat just don’t swing. Maybe next year.

It is OK to say no, not this time.

It was literally like a powerful hand grabbing us and we were out tens of meters from the beach in the blink of an eye. Absolutely awful.

The parents literally live there, they know the area and how to handle it.

"Most people caught in a riptide" - so like 10 a year then. If it's that bad there will be warnings everywhere if not someone actually supervising.

@UniversalAunt
Thank you - you've summed up what it's like for my DPs pretty well, especially the bit about liking to put up a good show!

I agree with @greenpolarbear your worries sound unrelated to the friend and the holiday and more from the recent events that have happened to you.

Maybe repost (under another name?) and see if we can also help with ideas at helping you sleep and reduce your anxiety.

There’s a book that I love called ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. He was struggling with events in his life and he tells you what he did to get into a better place mentally. Step by step. It may not be relevant to your situation but it helped me a lot a while back.

Trauma often brings old traumas to the surface (like the riptide). It also fuddles your thinking (as does lack of sleep - which you mention).

All the best op - hope you are okay.

@greenpolarbear not all beaches have lifeguards or flags on them.

Can’t imagine the fear a 6yo would feel if caught in a rip tide

DD2 can barely swim - the plan in fact (but I can't do it this year) was to really work on her skills this summer, at least at the pool to begin with.

I think it’s coming from an unselfish place though. It sounds like OP usually looks after her parents and her own children at the holiday home, so trying to avoid the parents getting exhausted from hosting the grandchildren and the friend at the same time. The friend may or may not offer to cook/clean etc and the parents may or not accept the offer but OP sees a situation that might tire out her parents. If OP is sufficiently recovered to go later in the trip, she believes that she will compromise her own recovery by feeling guilty and helping more than she is capable of to take the strain off her parents.

I also don’t know that I could entrust my DD’s wellbeing to someone that had different approach to risk to me and minimised my anxiety rather than supporting me. We don’t know what the OP has been going through but excessive worry about loved ones is not an unusual response to trauma.

OP can you speak to your friend about these specific concerns? Get them to pitch in with helping your parents and being careful with DD for your sake even if it’s not her approach?

I’m in a similar-ish situation with surgery, friend’s expectations. I’ve learnt hinting doesn’t work. You have to just tell it as it is. Hi friend, After talking with hospital today I’m going to be able to do far less and be less mobile than I anticipated. Regrettably have to cancel your stay in August but we’ll rethink when I’m back on my feet. Speak soon.

Teach her if she was ever stuck in a rip tide, to swim parallel to the ocean to get out of it.

I agree the fairest solution is either banning them from visiting the beach you're worried about, or even all beaches if they have a pool anyway. Or to keep your DD home. The concern is there and you will feel it either way - if your parents are not exactly bounding in energy, they may not be able to look after her as well as you in this scenario. That's why I'd see it as the friend being a help not a hindrance.

They sadly don't have a private pool but there's a nice leisure centre not far from there.

Anyway, thanks to all who's responded. I have to go for a bit but it's given me food for thought!

Why would they get exhausted when another adult will be there...one they consider to be one of the family?

It sounds like just another excuse on the ever growing list.

I get the OP is disappointed but cancelling her friend and her friend's DD's holiday, comes across as the opposite of 'unselfish'.

Gosh that is harsh.

OP is cleary walloped by a series of events.

She just wants to make her world smaller and more contained while in recovery.

While not her holiday home surely her friend has access because of her?

If the friend is decent she will surely understand - I would.

I don't think you are - though you do have to be a lot, and I mean a LOT clearer in your conversations with the friend.

I realise that it's easy for me to type here "Hi friend, I realise this is going to be very hard to hear but the holiday at DP's holiday home will have to be put on hold for the foreseeable. It's not that we don't want to see you, it's just that we don't think that we'll be up to hosting you or anyone this summer (by saying 'or anyone' you're clarifying that it's not just her). I also realise that you've probably booked flights/hired a car/booked a ferry/whatever so if you can find somewhere else to stay that would probably be best this year. I am really sorry for the short notice on this but I hope you understand" or something like that and it's harder to actually do it and send it but I think you should send her a much clearer message this year that the holiday is off.