Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

[SunshineOceanAndOranges]

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

I think it’s a bit much to expect your parents to live with / host your friend when you are not there.

In your shoes I would just say ‘really sorry friend, due to me having another hospital procedure we need to cancel the holiday or postpone for a few werks’

If I was the friend OF COURSE I would be disappointed but I would hardly expect to be able to forge ahead with a free holiday when my best friend was having such a hard time and needing treatment etc. And certainly wouldn’t dream of ending a friendship over it.

Because it’s two extra people for the parents to look after instead of them being looked after by the OP. OP has said that the parents will refuse help from the friend. OP’s parents seem like mine. When we are away, me and siblings take the lead on meals etc so parents can relax.

Who are your children's friends mentioned upthread, OP? I'm lost. Now, apparently, there's a teen involved too. Your DD1, yes? Do you really think it'll be easier for your parents to look after a six-year-old and a teen on their own than to share the responsibility with a capable adult who drives and is able to transport the children independently and give your parents time off?

I don't know what I'm missing, but surely life will be much easier if every day or two your friend goes off in the car with the children and gives your weary, elderly parents 6-8 hours to have a nap/ watch the Olympics or the cricket or sit in the sun and knit? And with friend there they can have an early night, whereas if your teen wants to stay up watching a movie or similar they might not feel free to turn in early.

No matter which way I look at it I really can't see how having your friend there can be any more exhausting than having your parents on duty 24/7. In fact my concern would be for my friend, who doesn't sound as if she's likely to get much of a holiday.

The parents don't have to look after anyone.

If they do, it's because they're choosing to.

If they're choosing to, it's because they enjoy it.

Absolutely their choice and not the OP's.

Exactly this. It simply must be a better option for your friend to be there to support your parents than for them to take care of your DCs alone.

Depends how supportive she is with a non swimming 6yo in the sea. Obviously the grandparents might not be that great, but if friend and her DD weren’t there, much easier to have ground rules for being around the sea

She says on the original post that she is undergoing a procedure for an injury, I just assumed that’s why her DD was staying with her parents?

Well if it's "now", you can't exactly tell her to cancel, can you?

I do find your posting style a bit frustrating. Not sure why you aren't answering what people are asking, as people can't really comment otherwise.

Sorry, I've seen the updates now.

I can understand being very nervous leaving 6 year old in the care of someone else, particularly as she has been lax about safety around you recently.

It is also a lot for your parents.

I would suggest letting your friend carry on with her holiday but keep your daughter at home. However, her daughter mihht then be bored, which would make things harder for your parents.

I think the fact your friend hasn't picked up on your hints and said that she will either a) postpone her trip or b) reassured you that she will take good care of your daughter and be a good help to your parents, suggests that she is just focused on her free holiday.

In which case, I'd be inclined to cancel.

Say she can come at the next convenient time.

If that doesn't suit her, it tells you all you need to know.

Not sure why you aren't answering what people are asking, as people can't really comment otherwise.

What's not clear to you?
Original plan: grandparents take the teen granddaughter and little one down to their holiday home. I was to follow days later and my friend + her DD shortly after.
New plan: I can't drive down there RIGHT NOW because of a procedure that's only just been confirmed. All being well I will be at the holiday home at some point but much later than planned. Friend has some flexibility (potentially) but has not communicated with any of us on whether or not she is willing to change her dates considering I can't be there as soon as hoped. IF she still wants to stick to the original plan, her holiday will have to be without me and I will have to trust it all goes well with her, my DCs and my parents. And even if friend postpones her arrival date, I'll be very tired and not great company for all the reasons mentioned upthread.
So to recap we have: 2 adults in their 70s, 1 adult guest, myself but weeks later than planned, my 2 DCs including a non-swimmer and 1 other child (my friend's DD).

What about DD1s friends who were mentioned upthread?

It really does seem like you should keep your children at home and all travel together a bit later than planned.

All this drama is completely unnecessary and won’t help you with your recovery OP.

So now you won’t be there until “weeks” after you were due?!

I thought you sad your friend was only staying two weeks anyway?

It is just complication after complication with this story.

Unfinished be inclined to call her and explain and say you'd like to cancel. Keep dd at home. Rearrange for Oct half term if that suits everyone.

think the fact your friend hasn't picked up on your hints and said that she will either a) postpone her trip or b) reassured you that she will take good care of your daughter and be a good help to your parents, suggests that she is just focused on her free holiday.

Or she's thinking to herself that Ralph and Jenny will need a hand looking after a teen and a six-year-old for weeks on end (sounds as if it could be three or four weeks in all) and so she'll go and help out in the way she's seen OP do on previous holidays. This is a family friend, someone who's been holidaying with the family for years and knows the ropes, so she's in a position to be useful. She knows the area, knows the attractions, knows what the girls are likely to enjoy. Not a random guest.

If you could work positively with the friend and your parents to make it easier for all of them to cope and keep all the young people safe, OP, it might help with your anxiety. I know they're tedious and feel as if they suck the impromptu fun out of a holiday, but if everyone contributes to a meal plan and your parents know they won't be shopping and cooking for everyone every night that might be a start to lifting the pressure on them.

I haven’t read all the replies but if this really is a super good friend of decades just explain and cancel. No one is a mindreader and she obviously feels there are workarounds to you not being there and the challenges you’ve mentioned so far. So you need to explain clearly to her that you are unwell, it’s too much for your parents and it simply isn’t going to work as planned. I would be disappointed in her situation but of course understand. And if she doesn’t she isn’t a good friend.

I would 100% put yourself first. This is not a suitable time to accommodate extra people. You are feeling fragile. Having her there and you being anxious might also damage the friendship asyou will end up resenting the extra hassle and worry. Use one of the posts above with a suggestion of a suitable response.

You are just going to need to tell her "not this year", as it will not work out with your medical/physical and emotional needs. Don't let her slide into going and being your DPs chore, even if she is "like part of the family". That's not really fair to them, even if they say it's "ok". If it upsets your friend, then I have to wonder what kind of friend she is. Being honest is always the best route because hints are too easily ignored and diminished.

If there are riptides and undertows, I don't blame you for being worried about your DD. Too many people lose their lives because of not understanding them and avoiding them and learning how to get out of them without panicking. Young teens never think about the bad, because, to them, it won't ever happen to them. They think they are immortal.

Just be honest with your friend. I hope your medical procedure goes fine, and your recovery is quick. As for your emotional feelings, I hope you can find someone to talk to that can help you sort and deal with them. Wishing you and your DD the best. xxx

Wait, so this is someone you see in your hometown? She knows EVERYTHING you've been through and the upcoming medical procedure, and STILL hasn't offered to cancel?

You need to be blunt. Tell her that you are cancelling this year because of medical and mental health reasons. If she tries to go around you or convince you otherwise, just be firm. A REAL friend will understand. A friend who just wants a cheap/free vacation will show herself as just that. Better to know now than down the road.

If you have explained the situation, and she still wants to go, and wants to push you into it; YOU are not the problem.

Stop being so hard on yourself, please. It's not going to help to keep putting stress on yourself. You have a medical procedure coming up, and you need to be in a good frame of mind for it. That means, you come first, your family second and your friend a distant third. VERY distant third.

Edited to not even bother.

You clearly know her very well - and she and your parents know each other I presume.
Don't drop hints - tell her! Your parents are elderly, you'd hoped to be there to host but can't - she can either go, muck in and help your parents, or change her dates.
She's an adult, and you describe her as being like family - she's not going there as their maid, but equally I very much doubt that she anticipates being waited on by your DPs.

If she's a decades long friend, you should be able to be honest with her about how unwell you are. If you cancel the holiday, it's understandable that she will be disappointed. I would trust that your parents will manage, maybe ask friend to take charge of the children and help out as much as possible so your parents aren't too worn out.

I might be missing something, but to me the simplest solution would seem to be that your daughters stay home with you, and your friend and her daughter go stay with your parents. It sucks in that you miss out on a holiday, but you are also not worrying about your daughter going swimming etc etc.

So, the children miss out on time with their grandparents and a holiday. Plus the help so that OP can recover, all so a FRIEND (and DD) can go and stay with people she is not related to, and have them feed and house her so she doesn't miss HER holiday?

The simple thing to do is to tell the friend, "not this year because things have come up" and let OP's DDs go and have time with DGPs. Then, after her procedure, OP can go up and get some mom and dad care and be with her children too as she finishes recovering and relaxing from the crap dealt to her this year.

I might be missing something, but to me the simplest solution would seem to be that your daughters stay home with you, and your friend and her daughter go stay with your parents. It sucks in that you miss out on a holiday, but you are also not worrying about your daughter going swimming etc etc.

I think you're missing the pretty obvious point that my parents are my DDs' grandparents whom they are very close to and who'd much rather spend time with them than with my friend, however well they know her!