Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

[SunshineOceanAndOranges]

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

So you consider your parents well enough to look after your young child without you. You actually say “grandkids” so there will be other children. Will their parents also be visiting?

My parents & their 2 granddaughters.

Again, I was meant to be there all along. No massive piece of info missing. It was not the plan to leave my parents alone in the first place but they kindly offered to drive them to the house a couple of days before I was meant to arrive. Now the whole plan has been upset anyway because I have to have that procedure and will be coming later than planned. Yes, it is already good of them to look after the DDs whilst i'm recuperating. Extra guests including a very lively 9 year old won't help, even if my friend pitches in. That's my point. And when I'm good to travel, I'll still be feeling crap and will probably have to do everything when I get there because they will have overdone it.

if you were my good friend i'd be expecting to hear from you that you want me to step in and sort out a safe set of activities for your child, to be really careful with them on the beach as it's not safe swimming, and to be all over making sure the elderly parents were getting looked after just as much as you would yourself. Honestly this is what a good friend would do for your kid isn't it?

Can you find alternative childcare for your DC for those couple of days so your parents aren’t overwhelmed?

That would resolve the issue from the sounds of it, although I have to admit, the poor way you have explained everything makes me feel there’s another huge drip feed fact coming…

It seems unfair to cancel your friend's holiday if everyone else wishes to go ahead

If riptide is your concern, don't you trust your friend to supervise / impose rules? If my friend told ne that her daughter wasn't allowed to swim past eg the fush restaurant, I'd respect that

Has your friend incurred any expenses like flights etc for the holiday?

Surely it's better for your friend to be there if the options are grandparents and grandchildren only, that puts it all on them, or grandparents and grandchildren but a younger fitter adult with one nine year old.

Call your friend and say "I'm really anxious about not being there, Jenny and Ralph are great but they're not as young and active as they used to be, could you do me a favour and just keep an eye on the younger DC, especially at the beach DD is a bit reckless and the riptides are really bad (even if it's more her daughter that's reckless phrase it around yours) and even if J&R say they don't need any help and try and do everything for everyone, meals etc can you insist on helping?"

If she's a close family friend she'll support without hesitation.

I completely understand your posts and perhaps that comes from a place of similar anxiety which is why other posters keep unhelpfully suggesting it’s FOMO.

The OP is feeling anxious after traumatic events and whatever health issue she currently. She wants to keep her daughter safe and she feels, for whatever reason, that her friends 9year old will compromise her safety. The property is in a coastal area with strong riptides. As someone who really suffers with thoughts and worries around the safety of my children, for this reason alone I would not want my friend to visit whilst I wasn’t there, because I cannot control the situation if I’m not there.

OP I would just ask your friend to rearrange for when you are feeling better. It isn’t unreasonable, you can’t recover when you are stressed and anxious.

Exactly this

That's just it though... A few days ago, we were all out in the park and I called my DD over because I didn't want her to climb over something that looked quite unstable and my friend just joked that I'm 'incredibly nervous' and 'can't wrap them in cotton wool as bad stuff happens sometimes and that's life'. Testing boundaries is not a bad strategy - kids need to learn how to handle themselves- but she knows all the shit that's happened to me recently and I've not been able to get that out of my head quite frankly.

I also understand anxiety, but it’s not OPs place to cancel her friends holiday because of it.

If she thinks her daughter won’t be safe, she should keep her home until she can travel with her. That seems much fairer.

So if the DPs are going to be tired why are you planning on going to stay? That surely is just adding to the problem if you are going to need support yourself.

Family friend will be lessening the burden on your DPs by entertaining your dc. Unless the df has a track record of sitting back and expecting your dps to do everything, she is helping you all out.

Is there an element of you needing to have control over the situation?

You're painting a picture whereby you are the only one who can manage things and without you it will all fall apart. Everyone will either do too much or too little unless you are there to take over.

Do your parents get a say in whether they want your family friend to still go?

@Ofcoursehesthefkingfarmer
Sorry you can relate but I'm glad you get where I'm coming from.

It sounds like your completely overwhelmed with anxiety- perhaps a trip to the GP might be in order?

I think I’d be inclined to stay at home with both children, you’ll be anxious the whole time they are away with your parents. Your friend is your main focus right now, take that away, and you’ll be obsessed with the riptide and the dangers that imposed on your children.

I think your friend will be upset if you cancel her holiday. I know you say you’re close but it will still be a bitter pill to swallow- especially if she’s been looking forward to it with her young daughter. You need to speak to her ASAP to sort it- damage limitation. Give her time to sort something else.

Are you planning to send your 6 year old without you or DH?

Do your parents get a say in whether they want your family friend to still go?

Of course they do. If they want her to be there, she'll be there and they will be responsible for DD's wellbeing.

But what does their holiday have to do with how you're feeling?

I'm not understanding this at all. From some of your posts, it sounds like you're not going to be at the holiday home and are staying home, but then, in others, you're writing as if you're going to be there and are not up for visitors.

Will you or will you not be there?

In the end, it's down to your parents, isn't it? What do they say on the matter? If they're happy to host, why do you want to interfere with that?

Maybe you could have a conversation with them about letting go a little bit on the hosting element-i.e., allowing your friend to do a bit more (as it doesn't sound that she wouldn't be willing) and a conversation with her about helping out a bit as your parents may struggle a bit alone.

But I can't see how, if your parents approve, you can stop your friend visiting there. You're not her keeper nor your parents keeper. Ultimately-this hasn't got anything to do with you.

Is there an element of you needing to have control over the situation?

There's a massive element of that and FOMO with every one of the OP's posts.

She wants to cancel someone else's holiday to someone else's holiday home, because she can't be there to 'take control'.

What kind of a friend still wants to come knowing that you will need a medical procedure?? A selfish one, that is only thinking about her dd having a great holidays. Think about that op. She's obviously got the hint, but what her dd gets out of it is more important than the imposition she is going to be. She knows full well.

I would be upfront and say that due to the medical procedure you will need to cancel this year. A good friend would have offered already. If she becomes funny and gets upset then you know what her intentions were. Seriously who does that??

Seriously who does that??

Someone who's part of the family in one breath, and needs special hosting the next?

Why should she cancel if the people who actually own the holiday home are grown adults, more than capable and probably looking forward to spending time with her and her DD?

How much difference would you being there make though? I assume you didn't plan to spend the holiday running around after everyone either?

If this is a genuine person who is trustworthy and a good friend, I don't understand why you sound as though you don't trust her?

I'm not sure what has happened but are you worried about the exact same scenario happening again? Because you will find that really starts to limit your/the children's life if they can't have spontaneous fun and freedom. She's your friend, not a heroin addict.

I also think it's a bit unfair on them, her daughter is probably really looking forward to it and it sounds quite last minute to cancel on them. I'd just be upfront with her that she will need to help your parents out, which again, any good friend would do surely?

And I agree another child to play with will take the pressure off your parents not add to it.

Stop putting everyone else’s needs above yours and state out loud what your body knows: you are in a massive family crisis. Your job, your dh’s job, your physical health, your fiture, your ability to care for your child—everything is up in the air and you need to plan very carefully so as not to break your remaining network but also to protect your health, and dd.

If friend isn’t part of the solution she is part of the problem. Just be upfront “I thought this could be managed but I was wrong. Can you put off your visit until next year?”

I understand your anxiety really I do I have suffered for years and it threatens your peace of mind. I think I would tell my friend and hope she is enough of a friend to understand you are not well at the moment and it’s too much for your parents. Have you had a good chat to your parents to see how they feel about it.
If they are happy with the situation just make it clear to everyone you do not want your daughter swimming without an adult present. This seems your biggest worry. I was once left in charge of a friend of my DS and I wasn’t confident to deal with swimming emergencies so I made them walk 2 miles to get to the safer life guard patrolled beach.

You're not her keeper nor your parents keeper. Ultimately-this hasn't got anything to do with you.

I've never considered myself to be my parents' keeper - even less my friend's. My DD's wellbeing and my own however are very much my business.

Or...

“I thought this could be managed but I was wrong. Sorry I won't be there this time"

"Have a lovely holiday, I know you'll make sure my parents won't do too much, because we consider you part of the family".