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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday dilemma putting friendship at risk

153 replies

SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 11:44

Hi all, I'll try and keep this one brief but it needs context. I have a very old, very close friend who is pretty much part of the family. She is meant to visit my parents' holiday home for a couple of weeks this summer together with her young daughter who is 3 years older than my youngest. They both get on very well, even though I do worry that the older girl will rope my DD into doing things that could be reckless. I am not normally an anxious parent but this is a real concern, especially as the local beach is known for hazardous riptides. I've had a couple of difficult months with a few traumatic events (sadly the word applies here). As a result of one of them, I've been dealing with an injury which will need a procedure right at the time they were meant to arrive. That will mean I can't be there to help with hosting and I worry my DPs will overexert themselves if they take it upon themselves to look after everyone in my absence... I have told my friend about it but she's not really taken the hint. The truth is, even if she postpones her stay to coincide with mine, I don't think I will be up to much, and it will just be a miserable experience for everyone. She's been looking forward to it for months though so I feel really bad to just cancel on her. Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close... How do I tell her without ruining the friendship?

OP posts:
Bouffe · 21/07/2024 12:24

NotEvenTheRainHasSuchSmallHands · 21/07/2024 12:13

OP, I'm a little confused. Will you be there at your DP's holiday home as well, or is it just going to be your DD, your friend and her DD, and your DP?

It sounds as if you're worried that you won't be able to keep an eye on things, and that your DP might not be able to handle everything on their own? Have you spoken to them about their thoughts on this? Gently, I wonder if your worries are more to do with everything you've been through recently (which would be understandable!), rather than being realistic concerns. I really don't mean that to sound harsh, but I'm unsure how else to word it. It's difficult to gauge a situation from a post, though, and you know the ins and outs better than any of us!

This.

Honestly though, physically and mentally I just don't want visitors this year, no matter how close...

But you don't have visitors, your parents have visitors. And if your friend is as close to the family as you say, she'll surely do her best to make the stay as easy and rewarding for your parents as possible?

Another here who doesn't mean to sound harsh but can't think of a gentler way of putting it. You sound like someone who likes to be in control who's suddenly faced with not being in command. Your parents are adults: they should be able to manage the situation themselves. I'm very sorry for the traumatic events that have led to this situation and wish you the best, but maybe there is something positive to be learned in sitting back, butting out and letting others manage this situation? None of us is indispensable.

Original poster
SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:24

Girls are 6 and 9

OP posts:
NotEvenTheRainHasSuchSmallHands · 21/07/2024 12:24

SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:21

The plan was for her to come now but I can't as I have the procedure scheduled at hospital. So 1) she still goes as planned and I pretty much let everyone get on without me but I will have to trust all is ok (and in normal circumstances I would be fine with that) or 2) they wait for me to be available to travel and come then but I might still feel awful.
Yes, I am very anxious at the moment and keep imagining disaster scenarios because of the various recent events. I have been as upfront as I could with everyone. Re hosting: my DPs are very generous and eager to host, but they will just want to do too much and spoil everyone and then I'll have to pick up the pieces when I do eventually get there and (selfishly) I was hoping I could get a bit of TLC for a bit but maybe that's unreasonable.

Show quote history

I don't think you're unreasonable in the slightest for wanting and needing a bit of TLC once the procedure is over with! You sound like you're going through an extremely stressful time, and it's totally normal that you're more anxious than usual.

I don't quite understand what you mean about picking up the pieces once you get there, though?

MmedeGouge · 21/07/2024 12:25

Goodness you are not the problem here.
In this instance you need to put yourself first.
Just explain circumstances dictate that her holiday can’t go ahead as planned. You are disappointed (and incapacitated) but there will be other times.
If she is a good friend she will understand.
Be brave, bite the bullet!

HaveAWordWithYerselfWouldYa · 21/07/2024 12:26

Just be very clear to her, if she is a good friend then tell her your concerns and come to an arrangement between you.

Sunnydiary · 21/07/2024 12:26

If your parents have invited her as a family friend to holiday with them, then I don’t think it’s your business to interfere with that.

I would probably wait until she’s back and go afterwards, or did you only want to go when your parents are there?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 21/07/2024 12:27

MmedeGouge · 21/07/2024 12:25

Goodness you are not the problem here.
In this instance you need to put yourself first.
Just explain circumstances dictate that her holiday can’t go ahead as planned. You are disappointed (and incapacitated) but there will be other times.
If she is a good friend she will understand.
Be brave, bite the bullet!

Of course the holiday can go ahead as planned!

The OP just doesn't want it to, without her.

That's really not fair on her friend and her DD.

The OP is just looking for reasons (where there are none) to cancel them.

It's not even her holiday home!

Original poster
SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:28

I don't quite understand what you mean about picking up the pieces once you get there, though?

I mean they will be very very tired. They're still fit for their age but it will be a lot for them. And yes, it's also for them to decide. I am not a control freak at all. I just want the best for everyone and normally make sure I look after them. It's disconcerting to me not to be in that position.

OP posts:
myflightiscancelled · 21/07/2024 12:28

ElleLeopine · 21/07/2024 12:01

If she is as close a friend as you say, then you should be able to be completely up front and honest with her. And if she takes it badly, then you will know that she is not as good a friend as you thought.

This is the answer. If she is that a close a friend and “part of the family” you have to be honest.

CurlewKate · 21/07/2024 12:29

Isn't it you to your parents? How old are the children?

Jagoda · 21/07/2024 12:30

But OP can’t uninvite someone from someone else’s holiday home can she?

Her parents might be really disappointed not to see the family friend and her DD.

You are coming across as controlling here OP. I think you should keep your nose out of it.

Original poster
SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:31

I also promise it's not FOMO. I am not particularly looking forward to anything at the moment but I seriously wouldn't want to ruin anything for others! I just don't want things to go pear shaped and a good friendship to hit the rocks. It's about expectation management. I honestly don't think my friend has realised how I'm doing because I don't like to make a fuss and because I'm normally full of energy.

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 21/07/2024 12:31

Jeezo, five follow up posts and I still don't understand what's happening... It does actually sound like you've got FOMO mixed with anxiety though.

Justcallmebebes · 21/07/2024 12:32

How old are your parents OP? Are they retired?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/07/2024 12:32

Ellie1015 · 21/07/2024 12:05

If you can't manage then you have to cancel not hint. Yanbu to cancel friend and dd. Yabu to expect them to cancel rather than put you at ease that they don't expect much hosting when you hint. They probably believe they will be a good help/distraction.

I agree with this. You need to make up your mind and then speak up and cancel if that is what you decide. And do it now so she can make other plans - dithering is not fair here, and giving hints in the hope she will make up your mind for you is also not fair.

HelloCheekyCat · 21/07/2024 12:35

What 'hosting' are your parents expected to do in a (presumably separate) holiday home for an adult and her child that is going to 'wipe them out' afterwards?!
And if you aren't there it doesn't matter what a bad way you are in
And why would a friendship be ruined?!
Is it abroad? If so i can't imagine it'll be easy for her to change flights. If it's in the same.country then maybe she's booked time off work which wouldn't be easy to change
Just tell her you can't go,she still can

GabriellaMontez · 21/07/2024 12:35

I'd begin by talking to your parents.

Find out if they share your concerns. Or are they looking forward to the company and support.

If its too much for them maybe your dh needs to get involved. Are you going to be in hospital?

NotEvenTheRainHasSuchSmallHands · 21/07/2024 12:36

SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:28

I don't quite understand what you mean about picking up the pieces once you get there, though?

I mean they will be very very tired. They're still fit for their age but it will be a lot for them. And yes, it's also for them to decide. I am not a control freak at all. I just want the best for everyone and normally make sure I look after them. It's disconcerting to me not to be in that position.

Ah right, I understand now. Since your friend is such an old and close friend, could you maybe be upfront with her about your concerns, and ask her to not let your DP do too much? I would hope that most people would jump in to help whenever they can anyway when they're staying in someone else's home, particularly if the hosts are getting up there in age a bit.

You sound like a really lovely person, OP, and I think life is just feeling a little overwhelming for you right now.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/07/2024 12:36

What do your DPs think should happen?

TheWoodlanders · 21/07/2024 12:38

This is such a strange thread. Two pages in, and there still lots of information missing.

StepsInTime · 21/07/2024 12:38

Can you tell your friend your parents are tired so she should make herself scarce during the day? Ie just use your DP as a place to stay?

Original poster
SunshineOceanAndOranges · 21/07/2024 12:39

The plans grew organically, as they do between old friends - she's just generally welcome iyswim. No one formally invited her in that sense. And normally that's totally fine because we are close and she's 'adopted' my family too! My DPs have an open door and will not tell her not to come because they rightly consider my friendship to be my problem. I have to be the one to manage those plans.

Look - this is not about being controlling or any of that crap. I am more anxious than normal and my decades-long friend is not really getting it. I don't know how to tell her I'm unwell in more ways than one. Equally, I can see the point that her holidays and her DD's don't need to be ruined because of me. I'm finding it tricky.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 21/07/2024 12:40

OP I get why it's not clear. After what you've been through, and what you still have to come, your head's all over the place.

What comes across is that you feel it's your job to make everything nice for everyone else and you're still trying to do that even though you're not in the right headspace or have the physical ability to do so.

Talk to your parents and ask them what they want to do. And if it goes ahead without you, make sure you talk to your DD about safety given that you're not there.

hopeishere · 21/07/2024 12:41

It sounds like they were both going to stay with OPs parents but OP will now not be there. She's worried friend and daughter might not look after her own daughter well enough. OPs parents will feel obliged to cook / feed / host and will be exhausted.

Can you tell her straight they can't come, but arrange it for another time?

Lindjam · 21/07/2024 12:42

I am very confused by your posts @SunshineOceanAndOranges

Your parents have invited a family friend and her DD to holiday with them at a property they own, yes? For a fortnight. And you were also invited.

If they thought this was going to exhaust them, surely they wouldn’t have done it?! They must want to spend time with her.

It is a shame you can’t go, or will have to join them on this holiday later, but why all the drama?