ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

What an interesting conclusion you've come to. Who would have thought a simple observation would have you so concerned that you simply must investigate!

I understand OP. You have a life time of bending with the wind to accommodate other family member's needs/feelings and your role is to just oblige and accommodate. This was my role. I tried to challenge it and got nowhere, and then I got angry because I SAW for real how they were all going to drill down on their defensiveness and their determination to carry on regardless. I realise that communication, reciprocity and fairness is not the goal of every family. The goal of a lot of dysfunctional families is to DISGUISE the injustice and disparity. This is done through refusing to communicate. Labelling anybody who attempts to communicate as ''crazy'' or ''angry''.

My brother has not stood up for me at all. When the parents are in need of care with tasks of daily living, he's on his own.

How is the POA set up? Some are set up that all the attorneys have to act together, some say jointly or alone but some are set up that each can act alone- that can be very effective if the attorneys trust each other and don't all live close but it can be taken advantage if by one attorney and leaves the other having to take action if they believe the attorney has acted not in the best interests of the person, illegally or dishonestly.
If your parents gave permission and have any capacity to do so, it's very difficult.
I would be upset that it sounds like they have been taken advantage of for someone's benefit but if it's because you wanted the car for your son you are on dodgy ground arguing that.

Edit- just seen your son intended to buy the car. If that had not actually been agreed with your parents, and they had agreed with your sister about the car, and your sister has the legal power to act alone as an attorney you are stuffed unfortunately.

I haven't read every post, just all the OP's. But I've read quite a few, and none has identified the real issue as I see it.

I don't know what the law is in Australia, but surely if you have joint POA with your sister then neither of you can act autonomously. Do some research and find out how to remedy this legally. I imagine you won't actually have to engage a lawyer - the threat should be enough for her to return the car to your parents' assets, as ATM she and her partner have effectively stolen it. It matters not that your parents gave consent - they aren't capable of GIVING consent, that's why you have joint POA....

It sounds like even if your parents were not confused and understood what was happening they would have let your sisters partner borrow the car. Unfortunately you should have asked first. Stand up to your sister or leave her to sort things out and you just visit your parents.

Not sure what any of this has got to do with my original comment, but if you're triggered by what I said maybe it's because you're within the demographic I was referring to. And by that I mean judgemental women who take every opportunity to make others feel crappy when reaching out for genuine advice.
(There's probably another '-ism' in there somewhere).

My therapist told me to forgive myself for the moments of dysregulation so I'm passing that on. It's a stage in healing where you recognise (finally?) hang on, my needs are ignored, everybody else gets to have feelings but I'm shamed for having a reaction? and it's so infuriating!! The challenge is to get from the realisation that you're allowed to have feelings and that you have the RIGHT to a response to their mistreatment of you but to be able to regulate yourself successfully so that that response is one that serves you and doesn't play into their hands. It's so challenging and I'm not there yet. My therapist recommended a work book to me. it's very helpful. It' s not a magic wand as i still struggle to suppress my rage at them for the way they've parked all the faults they refuse to see in themselves onto me! But..........it helped me stand firm in my own interpretation of events which meant I felt less crazy. They were furiously gaslighting me but I never for one minute thought that I was crazy. I was still angry and sad though.

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive : Neff, Kristin, Germer, Christopher: Amazon.co.uk: Books

OP, you are acting as though you have absolutely no power because you don’t know the plate of the car. But that is not the case. You have a legal document outlining both your and your sister’s responsibilities as POAs. This will stipulate where decisions like that are legal to be made unilaterally. So go and have a look at that. If it says you need to make joint decisions on behalf of your parents, then you can contact the lawyers and take a proper legal action to recover assets/remove your sister form POA. As POA you are also able to gain access to your parent’s records (via government agencies) to see what car is registered in their name to get the sodding number plate details.
In your anger, you are not thinking clearly.

It depends on the wording of the PPA, I think generally decision can be made "jointly and severally" so the sister could make decisions without consulting OP.

But anyway I think most people on this thread understand the sister is wrong legally. The reason why OP is unreasonable is because absolutely everything she says indicates that she just wanted the car for her son and that's why she is pissed off. It has nothing to do with her parents, she just can't stand/is jealous of her sister (I mean, why even mentioning the dog thing? It has nothing to do with the current situation).

Do this OP. First off ask for the car back as it’s your parents assets. Second put in in writing saying it needs to be valued and sold to help with care home fees. Point out you and your sister have power of attorney and your parents aren’t capable. At the moment your letting years of suffering focus your anger on the situation rather than on the solution. You feel helpless but you can deal with this.

This is one of those that I think I'd like to hear the sister's side, and I suspect it's very different.

Even from the Op, her sister asked to borrow the car for her partner. Her parents agreed. Maybe they assumed what it was for, or maybe it was a work trip, doesn't necessarily mean the sister told lies to get it.
She's angry because there is a "grandson" - I assume her son, without a car. Only later does she say he was going to pay for it. Now a few things here. Firstly, surely she'd have said to her sister "my son wanted to buy the car" rather than "there is a grandson without a car" if that was the case. Secondly, if he has the money to buy the car, why that one, unless he's expecting to get it cheap.

Either the parents have capacity to sell/lend the car-in which case they've given permission to her sister and she would have no right to go over and fetch it back as she says she would have done if it had been there.
Or they don't have capacity, in which case they couldn't agree to her son buying it either.

The fact the sister started crying on the phone implies to me that the Op is the aggressor, not her. If she'd really been as the Op says and had them all on tenterhooks bowing to her whim, she'd have just shrugged and told her to get stuffed.

From what the Op writes, either they're both grabby and bickering to make sure they get the expensive bits from their parents' house while they're parents are still alive. Or the Op expects to get everything her way and is annoyed she isn't.

@marmoet Your sister and BIL took the car without telling you, which if you have a joint POA is out of order. You can use this to have a conversation about how going forward you need to both agree on matters over $x and act alone but inform each other on matters below $x. If she won’t agree to that then you need to seriously consider whether you can continue as PoA because you will be in a battle for the rest of your parents lives.

as for the difficult relationship with your sister - your understandable complaint is that the car went without your knowledge. But had you told your sister of your idea that your son could buy the car off your parents? Because if not, the poor communication is running both ways. Your historical frustration with your parents and your sister is very very clear to see, so it will be very hard to separate out the emotions from your legal obligations as PoA. You will never right the wrongs of the past so you will need to learn to let them go somehow.

I suppose as your sister has joint POA and has effectively taken the car you could say she was taking advantage of your parents incapacity? Do they have capacity to sign away the car, their savings, their pension? If she has all their mail would you know if she is taking money from their account, selling other assets. ? Could her partner be manipulating her?
I think you need some legal advice.
Might be just he didn’t want to put miles on his car or could be more extensive problem.

It depends upon how Australian PoA works. Its possible to have a joint poa where all decisions have to be agreed by both attornies. If the PoA is active then its quite possible ops parents may not have capacity to make decisions.

Either way Op, I in a very kindly way ask if you've ever accessed counselling because there are clearly issues around the 'favoured' child you haven't come to terms with. Counselling now will help immensely in dealing with parents in the near future.

It isn't theft. They have their permission as you said in your post

Having PoA is irrelevant. PoA gives the power to use the parents’ assets only for their direct benefit. It doesn’t give the attorney any rights to use assets for their own benefit. But your parents have given permission.

If you think your parents didn’t have the capacity to make this decision, then nobody has any right to take the car for their own benefit, not your sister, nor you. PoA doesn’t give the attorney any rights to appropriate goods for their own benefit.

As someone in their 60s who has been through this process with my own parents and also both my parents in law I think you are being VVU. You seem to be so caught up in resentment and hatred of your sister that you have lost the power of rational thought.

You keep saying that the car is thousands of km away and will never be returned Surely the partner will come home in it at some point? Unless it is such an old banger it will break down beyond repair and the partner will have to abandon it there, in which case your son would have made a very bad investment.

Your parents made a big mistake giving you joint POA when clearly you will never be able to agree on anything.

Op, your sister needs to return the car to the house. The house and car need to remain unused. Your parents aren't even dead yet.

Where are all of their things? Personal effects? Jewellery? Furniture?
If she has had the house stripped out, this is clearly a massive overstep and you should have done that together.

Do you have a list of what was there?
Do your parents know their house has been cleared entirely??

Take a deep breath, and try and work out the way forward. Make a time plan of what will happen with the house (the car should be sold and the profits spilt between you both) and agree you will both honour your agreement and the time frame. Try to leave your past behind and get some separate counselling for that.

Keep it factual
Keep it clear
Mark out your expectations

I agree, this is abuse of the POA and I would put my energies into this. I'd be livid too, I had similar with my DF, but putting your feelings aside, car sale should have gone towards assets for care home. Sort out POA now or things could go wrong with house sale as well.

Report it stolen with the Police and then sever all ties with the family. I get what you're saying, had a sister just the same. All home life revolved around her, it's like I was a ghost in my own bloody family.
I severed ties many years ago and I looked at it as moving out again, out of the family this time. To start it was hard, but I was never much for material things and so I never missed any inheritance I could have been left (not that there was anything by the time sister had finished). I have been much happier and most importantly, my children were never dragged into the toxicity of the family.

OP you are going to need to invest in some support for yourself, ie therapy, because the next few years are going to be hard, and more so after your parents die.

Yes your sister is a CF, but what else would she be after the upbringing she’s had? Your blueprint is to be very careful tiptoeing trying not to annoy anyone, and in that time your ‘special’ sister swoops in and takes what she wants how she wants.

Guess what - it’s not going to change. Your sister has no motivation to change. If you don’t find a way to accept the injustice and unfairness you are going to be dealing with endless internal rage, as well as the actual injustice and unfairness.

You are reading off the wrong page here. Unfortunately everyone else who matters doesn’t care if things are uneven. And there is no way you and your sister are going to be able to come to fair agreements over anything. If you do get some support for yourself you’ll find you’re better able to stand up for your own interests without losing your shit, or being walked over.

Do your parents have mental capacity?
Do you have POA for health and welfare as well as financial, and if so has that been invoked?

Are you acting joint and severally?

It's hard to know whether your sister has abused her POA status.