ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

[marmoet]

My very elderly parents have recently gone into a nursing home after both having stints in hospital. Prior to that they were very dodgily living at home alone but stubborn and happy .
As my sister and I are both POA and do not get on this has caused a lot of friction but I thought we were sorted.
They have been in the nursing home for about a month ( after 2 months in hospital) and today I went by their house to check the place as it is empty and their car was gone.
I rang my sister worried it was stolen and she said that mum and dad had "lent" it to her partner. He has driven it interstate ( Australia , so hundrends of kms). WHen I spoke to my parents they thought he was "borrowing it to go to somewhere for work ( a completely different city), and basically had no idea . They are very old. My sister has a car and her partner has a car, both expensive ones btw.
I got cranky and pointed out that they have a grandson who has no car , then they started crying and then I felt bad , as I behaved badly but I'm fecked either way.
They are saying things like we always had dogs ( when I was never allowed one). They are denying the fact that we spent our life tip-toeing around my sister "be quiet , she's asleep, come and help with the grdening". It's like my life didn't exist as there is nobody left to verify it.
Sorry for such a pathetic unloading.
If the car had been at my sisters I would seriously gone over and driven it here, but he has taken it interstate and I don't know the plate number. Neither do my parents. My sister gets all of their mail delivered to her.

I think the only way of fighting this is to go the legal route. Not sure if Australia is different but you could get your sisters POA revoked as she is not acting in the best interest of your parents.

Is there no paperwork in the house, no tax disc reminders MOT, servicing bills or finance paperwork etc that have the car number plate on it.

I would also ask if you can borrow jewellery and anything else you see in the house up to the value of the car.

I must admit if I had been cleaning all day and found items with stickers on them marked with your sisters name I would have done a quick valuation of the stuff and changed half of the stickers + the amount the cleaning would have cost to your name and told your parents what you had done when it couldn’t be undone (i.e.when the furniture was already on its way to you. Then told your parents that you didn’t realise you had to put your name on the stuff you wanted and you have added your cleaning fee on top as that seemed to be the fairest way of sharing everything

Make sure you have the most up to date copy of their wills as I wouldn’t put it past your sister to have them change it in her favour (BIL did this and cut out exh and our dc)

Wow some peoples comments! Your sister clearly knows what she’s doing, and this is not nice behaviour. She sounds like a spoilt brat. My best advice to you would be block her out and enjoy the rest of your time with your parents. Don’t even talk about her with them, just enjoy time and stay calm. You’ll only regret it later in life… (why did I argue with them over this and that) xx

OP, in the UK, if you feel your parents lack mental capacity and are being financially abused, you could raise this with social services as a financial safeguarding. I don't know if there is a similar system in Australia.

Your sister is clearly grabbing whatever she can. I get that you are upset by her actions but it's not ok for you to verbally attack two frail and confused people in this way. Their well being is what matters most right now and if you can't see that then you need to walk away from the whole situation.

I have watched a lot of families tear themselves apart over inheritance. It's ugly, disrespectful and sleazy. Love is what matters, not money.

I hope you find peace.

For the 50th time. All of their assets have to be sold, including the house and car for care home fees as they are neither of them living in the home any more. The car is now gone. My son was going to pay for it. There is no car to pay for anymore. No I don't think it will be returned as I know my sister. And as I don't even know the licence plate what am I supposed to do?

No.

OP admits herself in the thread title that she fucked up (presumably by having a go at her elderly parents down the phone). People are offering their own perspectives based on their lived experience. It’s NEVER worth getting this tit-for-tat about things when it comes to end of life. Wise people know this. “Sister has two expensive cars already, she doesn’t need it, my son was going to buy it,” blah blah. The people encouraging her to go round the house choosing valuables for herself. It’s all utter madness. All while the two elderly parents are still alive, and getting an earful about it.

It’s AIBU, don’t post if you don’t want different perspectives. I’m sure OP wants people to say “you’re right hun, I’d be raging, don’t let her get away with it, go to the house and take valuables to make it fair”, but that would be terrible advice. Maybe the sister will try to steal her parents assets, but at the moment it’s just a borrowed car a man has taken on a work trip.

And people aren’t lonely old women just because you disagree with them. Your misogyny is showing.

They seemed to know though, so I guess they were asked and gave permission (though not the amount of miles he was going to drive it!)

I would be really annoyed if I thought my sister had taken my parents for fools.

But you’ve lost the moral high ground because you’re not annoyed for your parents sake, you are annoyed because you wanted your son to have the car.

If your son was going to buy it off them, then he must have the money and he can go buy any car he wants to.

The fact that you’re annoyed he couldn’t buy that specific car, tells me that he thought he could get it for a cheap price.

Why has he not bought it already?
He could have park it at theirs but drove it around still, which would make the house look a lot less empty than it not being moved.

There is obviously a big back story here about you and your sister but you are coming across as quite grabby.

You sound OP, like someone who is stuck in toxic emotions and using these to escalate minor issues into a feud. I get it’s a bit thoughtless and cheeky of your sister, but given the priority should be the peace of your parents at the end of their life, you are being unreasonable in making this about you and throwing a tantrum. It’s your parents car, it’s your sister’s husband, you really don’t need to get too involved at all, beyond telling your sister it is not on. Making your parents cry over this is a huge dick move.

Remember your parents are not interested in someone who steps back and does the right thing

The only language they understand is one where you take and tell them after what you have done

@marmoet I may be mistaken, but this rather sounds like elder abuse by your sister. Your parents seem like they may lack capacity to make their own choices about many things (eg if they would say yes to any requests without actually being able to weigh up the pros and cons). Your sister, as one of their powers of attorney, has got them to comply with a request for them to give her a relatively high-value item (a car) for free, in circumstances that they don't seem to understand, which disadvantages them both in terms of the lost value and the potential risk to their property of not having a car there. From what you've said about the post-it notes at their house move, I would wonder if this isn't the first time, either.

If they had capacity, it would be another sh*tty thing happening in the context of what sounds like a golden child / scapegoat family dynamic. But if they don't have capacity, then it could be exploitation/ elder abuse, and abuse of her position as power of attorney.

Do you and your parents have a lawyer who helps deal with their financial and legal affairs? If so, I'd suggest talking through your concerns with them. They may be able to advise on what, if anything, can be done.

Not at all 🙂, I am not lonely, not sad, not (very) old.
Just respectful of those who are.

There is obviously a big back story here about you and your sister but you are coming across as quite grabby

Can I ask what *marmoet *has actually grabbed?

The only grabby people in this is sister and her dh who have grabbed the car

Because the OP wants the car for her son.
She's conflating issues because she doesn't like her sister and is annoyed that the sister is profiting from the Parents' demise rather than her own family profiting. Her sister nipped in first, basically.
Neither sister comes up smelling of roses ...

I know you are in Australia so it's probably different, but in the UK if the house and other assets were being sold for care home fees, I'm not sure this wouldn't be seen as deprivation of assets.

I don't really understand many of the comments on here, but I have been close to someone in a similar situation, where possessions were cherry picked from the house whilst the person was preparing to move out. There was a car, and the person had stated (but alas not in writing) that my son should be given first refusal at a reasonable price, but the other siblings just sold it quickly. He would have probably given more than they got for it too. Obviously it wasn't illegal, but it was unnecessarily mean and contributed towards the eventual split of the family (along with other incidents).

They fact that this wasn't discussed with you as joint POA shows that they know that what they did although not illegal probably (unless in the event of your parents' death the car is not declared as an asset), was dodgy and mean, because obviously your parents are vulnerable and confused.

I know. I feel terrible and will visit them tomorrow , luckily ( sadly) neither of them will remember today, but I do see them every other day and try my hardest. I was just very frustrated and lost it, which I have admitted to. I'm going to bed. Thanks for the kind responses. Some people have obviously never been in a similar situation, and I understand it is hard to fathom until you have been there. It is very, very depressing . It's kind of the end of the world as you know it. If nobody remembers your childhood did it really happen? Maybe your sister wasn't that bad. There's nobody to say different now. It's easier to just walk away. Which I would, just want to make sure my parents have as much money as they possibly can to keep them in the lovely home they are in ( moving into a twin room tomorrow which they are thrilled about). Ta

I don't think you're understanding the point of my response. Generally mumsnet is full of women who make it their goal to put others down, or make people look stupid. A lot of the responses to the original post are uncalled for and are clearly exaggerating any negativity they can pry from what OP has said, making her the scapegoat when there's clearly validity to her anger.
Also, can we all grow up and stop using buzzwords when we don't like somebody else's opinion? Nothing I said was misogynistic or any other '-ism' you want to claim.
If I see something that looks like shit, I'll call it shit.
No doubt there's someone, somewhere who'd call me cack-ist.

You are right to feel angry, the car was taken under false pretences.

I would also be wary of things going forward. This might just be the start of underhand ways of filtering money from them.

You stated that all of their paperwork etc now goes to your sister. So I take it she has more control over everything even though you have joint POA?

Is there no paperwork left in your DP’s house? Nothing at all related to the car? You need to find out the value and keep a paper trail of communication with your sister, letting her know the cars value, whether they are keeping/selling it, either way it’s an asset to your DP’s estate and they can’t just take it!

How old was your sister when yoy had to be quiet due to her sleeping (seeungvas yoy mention it).

This! Can you not get into the house and look up car details and report it? They must have insurance and other paperwork concerning the car.

I would let the solicitor and police know as it’s theft. Your sister has taken advantage of their elderly, vulnerable parents that she has shared POA for. This is only going to get worse.

SHe's 6 years older than me. Not sure why that's relevant. It would have started when I was 8 or 9? Anywaya I said off to bed. Bye

Did you not read the op’s posts?

she said her son was going to BUY the car off his grandparents. Everything needs to be sold to pay for the care home fees.

Understood. Is it possible to suggest that nephew keeps the car and pays the equivalent to the care home? I feel for you.