Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

OP has not said they’re aren’t in the UK 🤦‍♀️

OP said she’s not in England, not that she’s outside UK.

Okay England, my bad, don’t need to be rude. But either way, I still think she needs some support, I don’t know the legalities around houses where you are stationed and not based, so it would be good for her to get some solid legal advice.

Sounds like you need to both sit down and make a list of all the expenses and then agree a budget for kids activities throughout the summer and then what it looks like when they are back at school

if you’re saving you won’t be able to spend like you used too - it makes sense that you’d make a packed lunch and not go in cafe in order to save

I do t think he has communicated very well with you sounds like he’s been a bit of a dick about it

but in principle he’s probably making sense - you need to work through the detail together

She could be anywhere, frankly. Its irrelevant as she cant tell us.

She’s still in the UK, her rights aren’t any different.

He's making your life challenging, having threatened divorce and now says you're not together....

Sounds like he's ending it. You need to get ahead of what may happen next. See a lawyer ASAP.

See if you can get help from a food bank, consider couples therapy if you think it may help with issues and fgs, put an exit plan in place no matter what happens next.

Personally, knowing how much food is now I don’t think £500 a month is enough to feed all the family, clothes, petrol etc. I would suggest he does the food shops if he wants to budget.
I would absolutely hate being in this position though and as other posters have said you really need to get a job and your own money. If things are that bad look at life on your own, it’s definitely doable. Why people are turning on you is beyond me. You look after the kids and then he gets to decide what you’re allowed to spend. It should be joint account joint decisions. Good luck.

Reading between the lines, the only thing he's saving up for is his running away fund.

Okay, and…? I still think she should get some solid legal advice. I would recommend that to anyone considering a divorce and I don’t know the ins and outs of houses you’re stationed to. My father used to be in the military and you had no rights to military housing when stationed, maybe that’s changed, amazing if it has. But even if it has, she should get some legal advice if she is considering leaving him either way.

The sentence he said "we are not together now, so I don't have to give you anything" is vile and scream of abuse to me.
He want out and make you suffer because he is disgusting.

I think this is all about financial control. I truly believe he is not telling the truth about his incoming salary.

People jump to affairs, often it is just about control of finances and a list of untruths/lack of transparency.
They have only just moved there.

It's very hard to give advice with what she has given which is very little. Her post comes across as wanting to appease him and what she can do to stop over spending which she hasn't £500 is not unreasonable to feed 4 people and buy petrol in 3 weeks. Yes she's in an abusive and controlling relationship. She hasn't mentioned she wants to leave him. She gets CB so she's possibly British and they are either stationed in Scotland or Northern Ireland. She needs to ring her family for support who can help her that's the best advice I can give. Honestly, she comes across as a wilting flower.

It totally wears you down. You cant make decisions. You get the FOG.

OP think quietly and slowly about your options. No rush.
But I would start telling at least one trusted person.

"So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately"

It's abuse.

Do you need to speak to the welfare officer?

She said she’s a SAHM since she left work so has worked previously

If you are doing cooking, shopping, house cleaning and childcare for his children then he has no right to deny you money - think how much he'd have to pay for these services if you weren't there to do it! I think you need to get some help from a women's aid charity as this is financial abuse and you deserve much better. You are supporting him with your unpaid labour!

Not sure that's possible in forces accomodations

Put him in charge of the shopping. Do eight hours of childcare a day and he can pay for a babysitter for the other 16 hours.

You need to speak to the welfare officer and let them know what is happening. Military abroad are classed as living in the UK for benefits purposes.

Honestly I would go out on my own visit a friend stay for a few days and leave him to realise how expensive thingsxare. This excuse of a person is abusing you financially.

If you cant throw him out, get out as soon as you can.

Sign on and get some help ref benefits and raise new case with the child support agency.

what an absolute AH.

Good look.

Typical person that does not agree with someone being a stay at home mum. Ignore. I hope you are ok, OP.

@Rockyrockrock sorry might have missed it in your post but are you both still together or separated? He does sound like he is being coercive as he is controlling all the money, never mind that you are a woman, another human wouldn't do that to someone else unless they were being awful, it is cruel aswell as you have no access to money yourself. Are you able to access the 16 free hrs of childcare, not sure how old your little ones are, maybe you can get a job somewhere for a few hrs a day and keep that money to yourself. It's very easy to say I know but maybe you need to squirrel away as much money as you can incase you need to leave. In terms of him not giving you any more money for the kids, do you have any friends you could go out with or do things together to keep costs down? Not so you are pandering to him but you might need to keep abit of money aside, doesn't seem to be a stable situation, are you ok?do you feel safe?

Financial abuse.