Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

What is he expecting you to live on ?

I have the same situation regarding money but we are not married. It causes a lot of arguments. I get told to get a job. (I have got a part time job but he works shifts inc nights so it's a childcare issue). I would start saving a little bit if you can. And definitely seek advice. He can't cut you off completely yet surely as you need to get food etc. Plus you are still married. Just find out what rights you have. I hope you are OK!

£2100 isnt that much a month to be honest, to have to pay bills out of it aswell, there wont be much left at the end of it, evan if that dosent include rent, you still have gas, electruc, water etc. Maybe get your self a part time job and your own bank account. That way you have your own money to spend and wont have to keep asking. I mean this in a nice way, but I dont understand why in this day and age, women dont have their own money and are still relant on their partners.

Every single point you made is irrelevant to this situation.
I mean this in a nice way.

You will get flamed on here OP because Mumsnet does not like SAHM’s, even when the husband/partner agreed or wanted them to be SAH. Unfortunately a lot of posters struggle to get past the SAHM bit regardless of the situation … 🙃
£500 is not a lot at all when you are including food shopping for a family of 4 (especially when nappies etc are still involved), petrol and everything and anything the kids could need throughout a whole month from clothing to trips out etc
(and no you don’t have to stay indoors or only go to free parks allllll the time, that’s from them lovely posters who can’t get past the SAHM bit again)
Threatening divorce every time you disagree is disgusting and I’m really sorry that so many posters here are so anti your lifestyle choice that they haven’t moved past that for 2 minutes to notice this, because if you’d done a thread just talking about that without mentioning the SAHM bit you can bet your life they’d be all over it telling you to leave him. Cutting up the card and taking away any access you have to accounts, while also WANTING you to be a SAHM is also very controlling. Again, ‘those’ posters seem to have skipped the bit where he WANTS you to stay at home and do all the child rearing.
And for all the lovely posters that just tell you to get a job, would LOVE to hear how they think this lovely husband is going to feel about paying towards more childcare…
In all seriousness though OP, the fact that he wants you to be a stay at home mum with no earning potential, while also resenting giving you money, and also telling you he’s done with you every time you have a disagreement, doesn’t sound like it’s going to make for a very happy life I’m afraid 😔

Because even in ‘this day and age’ some women decide they want to be the ones to actually raise the children they create, and their family as a unit agree (like in this case, as the OP has already stated it’s what the husband wanted also). Why do we ALWAYS have to be so critical of women who choose this?! Because it’s different to what you would chose? Awesome, you make your choice for your life and let other women/mothers do the same without demeaning or criticising ✌️

@JustPoppinBy some women decide they want to be the ones to actually raise the children they create … let other women/mothers do the same without demeaning or criticising.

Women who work still raise their children. Maybe take your own advice and don’t demean or criticise other women to justify your own choices. ✌️

I gave up work for five years when we had DC. DH's idea was that we both have exactly the same amount each month for clothes, going out, buying eachother presents, coffee out, socialising with friends, hair cuts. Child benefit into joint account as he trusted me to keep costs within budget for DC's clothes, day trips, clubs.

Fast forward 20 years, we've continued having an equal amount so no arguments/difficulties, now £175pm. DH has recently taken early retirement for reasons I won't go into on here and I'm the one bringing in money through part-time work, but again we're still on the same equal personal budget.

Maybe this wouldn't work for your DH but it'd be worth seeing what his reaction is - he might be bringing in the money now, but who knows in the future what will help that might restrict his income and improve yours.

You could have maybe bought your daughters new wardrobe on Vinted?
It’s so much easier spending someone else’s money!!
Sit down, work out a budget, show him all the incoming and outgoing’s and have an adult conversation about it.

What is he saving up for? £2100 is not a lot for a family of four. Sounds like he expects you to be a lot tighter in order to have something left to save.

It's degrading having to ask for money to be honest, even for the family. I doubt it will get better, I would start looking into getting back to work, he obviously doesn't want to operate with you as a team.

we do the exact same. All money goes into the joint account. All bills and family expenses come out of the joint account. We each transfer the same amount of fun money into personal accounts. This is for personal ‘luxury expenses’ just for us rather than the family- drinks/food out, hair cuts, gym, clothes etc. Complete transparency, 💯 fair and saves any arguments over money

It isn't his money.

It's our money. It's mine and his. That was the agreement.

What an absolutely awful thing to say.

Also. With postage ect it wouldn't have been cheaper on vinted. Also couldn't wait weeks to receive each random item. I just needed thigs for her quickly.

I got everything in a supermarket. Literally everything for her which will last months. I did well doing that.

How dare you say I'm spending someone else's money.

I'm literally doing everything at home. All childcare 24 hours a day for years, all food planning, shopping, all cooking for the kids, all housework, in charge of all their activities, appointments. Literally everything with no break for years.

I don't physically get paid by an employer but I work my ass off and have always worked hard whatever I've done. Worked hard when I was employed and work alot harder now for sure.

So I've earned that money that you say isn't mine. I work just as hard..without the luxury of getting any breaks so I really don't want your advice if that's how you view this situation.

OP l don't think that you're overspending, when your child needs new clothes there's nothing you can do, children grow and need new clothes; if you have a Lidl or Aldi they are very good for nappies etc. I understand that it's pretty miserable if you are unable to take your children out occasionally to a soft play or farm. I always look at free activities at the library, musuems. I think that your DH is bu and should help you as you are not wasting money on yourself.

That might be easier said than done if you are a trailing spouse, frequently moving and trying to settle children into nurseries and schools .

But it is relevant as op has been spending with no thoughts of budgeting whilst not bringing in any income.Most women have to work these days if they want a good living.Nine of my friends with children are sham as they need to work to pay the bills.

DFO

i do understand everything you’ve said and do believe you are being financially abused however equally as many people have said £80 on a summer wardrobe for a child under 5 is a bit ridiculous. I have 3 children under 10 who I could buy 5 tops, 5 shorts and fresh underwear for all 3 for the same price from places like Asda or Primark.

The majority of Mothers have no choice to work these days and look after the children .It gives women a sense of independence and financial freedom.

Op you need to sit down with your DH and work out a budget.
I don't agree with how your DH has gone about this but you started the month over drawn , this indicates you do have poor money management . You purchased wine and chocolate for your DD pre school teachers , a nice thing to do but not if it's taking you into your overdraft and you can't buy nappies .

Oh Christ.

READ THE THREAD BEFORE POSTING. Skpping past the weird teenagers.

What about swimwear, sandals, trainers, hoodies, rain jacket, joggers, leggings?

There's more to a summer wardrobe than just shorts and t-shirts.

The amount spent isn't the issue, the issue is him trying to control and remove any control from her.

I fear that there are a few possibilities

1. you are overspending... i do not believe this is the case really. Going to the localshop ether than big supermarket for 20 will have only cost 2 pounds more and that would need offsetting against fuel costs.
2. your husband is wanting out of the marriage but is too chicken shit to say it.
3. your husband has an addiction. Beit gambling alcohol or drugs.
4. your husband is under tremendous pressure at work. The point I'd like to make is that there is counselling available for 1 3 or 4 which you guys can engage in which is free to you and him via his job. If he doesn't want to do 1 3 or 4 then the answer is 2. Him saying you can't have more, but showing you the bank account showing how in debt he is would be different to how he has acted. If he wanted to be in the family team and work other finances as a team he would not act this way. If you were to leave him / divorce would you be allowed to come to live in the UK and do you have any family in the UK?

are we possibly overlooking something here. The change in behaviour. Any chance he has got himself into some trouble - a debt, a gamble gone wrong, a drug habit, maybe depression? Do you have access to see the outgoings/account balance?

Oh wow, I hadn’t seen any other comments re drugs/ gambling until I literally pressed send. I think what you are saying is very sensible

Ditto.