Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Or it’s more likely that there are more bills as £415 in bills isn’t possible in this day and age

We moved house in the middle of the year and there were no spaces in the school nurseries near us, of which there aren't many.

I don't know why people are arguing this point.

Of course we would have used free childcare if we could!

We had no choice. We wanted her to socialise ect and she only went three mornings a week because of the cost.

That’s why I originally mentioned the cheap local playgroups as being an option. They still get to socialise there. Our school nursery was only 2.5 hours a day anyway.

Op have you and your DH sat down TOGETHER to try and work out a budget for EVERYTHING?

If you haven't that's what you need to do. Everything being, food, cleaning stuff, bills, clothes, phones, birthday presents, Christmas, holidays, car (maintenance, fuel, etc)

If he won't sit together then you have a real problem on your hands.

At least most of the ignorant posters chatting about spices and "loling" have gone. It must be frustrating OP to have to keep arguing the point with posters who have not read the thread and are insistant on posting shopping lists.

More and more it seems you are clearly a "trailing spouse" and are in a domestically abusive situation. This impacts every single part of you life. This makes this, without a doubt (IMO), financial abuse.

You must try and keep your sense of self worth and you must expose him.

If the child is starting school after holidays it's not worth taking them out of playgroup now

It depends on where you live I think, my friend lives in Spain and there were no playgroups in her area, it wa nursery or nothing, and it wasn’t free.

In my opinion any stay at home parent should have a joint account with their partner that they always have access to. Otherwise financial abuse is too easy. I’m a SAHM and my husband’s income gets paid into our joint account. We both discuss big purchases with each other before going ahead but other than that he would never tell me how much I can spend. I don’t work because I’m looking after his son so I have as much right to that money as he does, and he agrees with me on this. You’re not a child and you shouldn’t have to beg your husband for money. You should just be able to access what you need.

Or he has someone else and can’t leave op with his bank card because he slipped up and paid for something with it that would indicate that it was for another woman

@Yalta

Mod housing is in many locations including 5 mins walk from a Tesco extra, you can't generalise. The good side to it is the rent is very cheap, only £320 for a 3 bed house water included

OR he has lied about a pay increase/his salary

If you are 'done' speak to a solicitor immediately.

How much is he giving you vs what nursery would cost if you went back to work? Give him the option

A joint account would be a great move to pay for joint things then manage your own money separately after that

absolutely, 100%.

Look up domestic violence law in the country of residence. This includes financial abuse, coercive control, emotional abuse as well as physical. All as serious as each other.

If her dh is in the army and they live in housing on base then it doesn’t matter where in the world she is. British laws apply

She might not be able to work in the country they are in

To me this is a lesson why you should always have a job. Never one hundred percentage rely on anyone else for all your money. You never know if or when they might take it away.

i would be wondering why all of a sudden after 8 years cut up the card and changed password on the account. To me he’s hiding something
it’s one thing to say you can only have so much money and another to suddenly change access without warning. Not to mention he’s being very defensive when you’ve tried to discuss things amicably.

red flag and something to hide.

Short of them being long distance then not really that easy if you are told your dh is being moved to a different country

I’ve been trying to keep track of spending this last month or so as prices are ridiculous now. But so far just on food shopping we’re around £500 for a family of 4. I do want to try and cut down on food shopping but I wanted to see how much we’re really spending first. There’s no way I could factor play groups, petrol and activities into this amount, it’s difficult right now.

If you both do really need to try and cut back and save, it’s a discussion that’s needed, the way he is behaving isn’t fair. My partner couldn’t understand why some months why we would have what we had left, I got him to come food shopping and he realised how much things were starting to cost.

If you’re saving, this needs to be in an account that’s accessible to both of you.

I know kids are only young once but would looking for Part Time/Full time work be an option? If he keeps threatening to leave, you don’t want to leave yourself struggling. I know most of it will go on childcare which is shit but in time you will eventually see the money you’re earning.

OP, you’ve been told he is financially abusing you. He’s having an affair, he’s been spending the money on another woman, he is planning to leave you, is a drug addict or a gambling addict.

You have had a lot of useless replies and some helpful ones but…have you done anything?

You need to write down a (reasonable and realistic) budget for yourself/children/household. You both need to have a serious discussion about how this is all going to work. Whether he agrees to more money, agrees to a shared account or you both discuss childcare and you finding a job - something needs to give.

If you can’t do that, if he won’t engage or be reasonable, there’s no moving forwards together.

He does sound controlling but it is not great advice to leave the matrimonial home. The op needs legal advice asap. She is in a better position practically and legally if she resides in the matrimonial home and applies for interim maintenance pending the divorce.

This has been made a bit trickier by her recent update that they aren’t in the U.K and have moved to another country recently, no doubt wherever he has been stationed. So not sure about what rights she has to be honest? I think she needs some proper legal advice from someone in the know.

Are there charities to support military wives whose spouses are still living?

It depends if she needs a police report, actually.

The more information she has, the more in control she will feel.