Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

@Rockyrockrock it is very relevant that you are not in England. Does it restrict you in any other way?

To be fair, he doesn't have 1000 to himself and I don't actually do his laundry.

Op you've just said yourself the shopping wasn't managed correctly this being sorted would release more wiggle room. An idea would be keeping all your receipts for a month and seeing where you can make ✂️ we buy things we will of forgotten pop into homebargains for bleach come out with £20 of shit.

He's an army boy so is used to discipline and bullying. The op won't notice will she if that's the question how do I stop overspending by £40. My bloke used to do boiler services for MOD and honestly words failed him. One soldier had 9 children with his wife and he can't cope. The men don't see women they are either eye candy or breeding machines.

I'd go back to work. That isn't nice what he's doing. It's financial abuse, withholding money.

Afternoon everyone,

While we understand discussions will naturally flow in different directions, we have received reports about the discussion being derailed. With this in mind, we just wanted to give a quick reminder to please keep posts related to the OP's post.

Also, we're not in England.

This is really important information and does affect your budgeting for sure

It also has a big effect on outcome/likelihood that this is absolutely being financially abusive.

Where are there Co-op stores abroad?

Yes unless your both from the country you are currently stationed in that information adds a whole new layer to it.

You then become trapped in a foreign country that can you legally work in? Can you legally stay in if you divorced? You’d need his permission to go “home” with the children.

I know spar is abroad wouldn’t surprise me if
co op was. But yeah op prob just means Scotland, wales, Ireland or Northern Ireland doesn’t she 😅

jumped the gun there 😬

It is very important you see someone to talk about this.

she said he didn’t have any money left so how is it withholding?

Not really jumping the gun.
ie I found it very complicated to open a bank account in Eire.

Also, you get accustomed to the shops you know, dont you?
Things can bemore or less expensive in different countries within the UK. Laws are different etc on divorce etc

England is irrelevant, OP has mentioned £ and co-op and national trust properties.

Preschool is free across the UK. While places like NI don’t have the 30 hrs you do still have access to a government funded nursery preschool for 4 year olds. You don’t have to pay to send them to.

Either way I don’t think anyone is making it seem like you’re living the high life OP. But your partners income isn’t huge, at a certain point it’s sensible to not spend any more in the month on non essentials and save some money.

Have you had a discussion with your DH since this post? Has it prompted a conversation between you two where financial points are clear and transparent? Things like, did he know you are in your overdraft? Do you know if there is other debt? Have you agreed an amount to save? Is the marriage continuing?

Just to state again.
We do not have access to free childcare where we are.
No point in saying it's free across the UK.
It may be free for certain people, and yes, in England it is for all 4 year old.
Not here, not for us.

So you see OP, this is very relevant.

No, not really because the subject is financial control/
abuse.

He’s either gambling or spending the money on drugs.

The most likely scenario is he’s saving the money for when he leaves you.

It is absolutely financial control that her situation is made more difficult by her circumstances which are dictated by her husbands job.

You have no choice that's shit. Have you spoken to him yet? You don't deserve to be treated like a child.

The best way to save is aim for the cheap isles meat that has been reduced. Sign up to clubcards you get better deals with Tesco. Same with co-op if you really need to use them then get their clubcard it does make items a bit cheaper. Aldi and Lidl are in competition with the bigger supermarkets I do think their fruit is cheaper. Your local butcher has good deals that's worth a look. Home bargains sells cheap cleaning products or pound shops.

When it comes to meals write down each meal you'll be surprised what you forget when you do your weekly shop.

I suggest she feeds her husband baked beans every night.

Make sure the children have healthy meals but buy massive tins of baked beans and give that to him every night until the tim is empty.

Another meal is the cheapest spaghetti served with a tiny amount of butter.

Buy the cheapest - scratchiest toilet paper.

She should start telling family and friends that your family is in financial difficulty and ask if they know any cheap grocery stores in her area that have heavily discounted items.

She should absolutely shame him.

All over the world according to a quick Google check.

Hasn’t considered this…

I’m not in England either. As a SAHM I just waited until the DC were the right age for school nursery, paying for childcare wasn’t necessary.