To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

So clearly you are ok with the trafficking and exploitation of vulnerable women (and some men)?

Lordy me. Some of the comments on here.

Saying that many men and teens watch porn does not mean those same people watch porn when in a relationship.

It seems OP has reflected on comments made and using the helpful suggestions to support her DD. Good for OP.

has he told you he does? 😲

And is that the consensus? Either way there's a difference between an unsatisfying quickie and being jack rabbitted for a bloody age. But you know that I'm sure.

If a young woman takes photographs of herself naked and gets a kick out of sharing them on a website, what aspect of that involved "trafficking and exploitation"?

You missed out why that requires porn.

I think you can't imagine that women in porn enthusiastically participate because you yourself are neurotic about it.

Not all of them are by any stretch of the imagination!
Not all of them went into the 'industry' voluntarily

Is it a career you would choose? Is it a career you'd want your daughter to have?

Yeah, it's probably better to end up with a porn watcher who is honest about it than one who lies about it. But women who don't want to be in a relationship with men who watch porn obviously want a man who doesn't watch it and is honest about it.

People say "aha! How do you know he's not lying?" Like it's some sort of gotcha, but it really isn't. A relationship takes trust. Of course I don't monitor partners. It's possible that they watch porn, cheat, take cocaine and have a secret second family. But if you love and trust each other you have to just trust that they are not deceiving you on purpose. You have to trust you've judged his character well enough. I mean, we all do that, regardless of porn stance. How do you know your husband doesn't cheat?

It's funny to me to see "progressive" and "Feminist" used as a an insult. God forbid a man wants me to have equal rights, eww!

@Megifer And is that the consensus? Either way there's a difference between an unsatisfying quickie and being jack rabbitted for a bloody age. But you know that I'm sure.

Fair enough.

But I will ask the previous question again: how do you know that your partner does not watch porn?

The Herberts are out in force. 17 year old girl and porn and sex.. rubbing their incel thighs saddos...

Because looking at loads of gorgeous women fucking is really exquisitely nice for them in a way that is hardwired into them

Or men - don't want to be heteronormative about it

Again, why does that require porn?

I think that’s a very sad view, to be honest. My DS 24 made a comment a while ago about ‘saddos watching porn’ - and I’ve heard similar from students. I’m sure many blokes watch porn but not all do- and I think many are aware of how exploitative it is. My DH loves a pub crawl stag do- but neither his nor any of the ones he went on ended up in a strip club. They ended up in a curry house.

@ColinMyWifeBridgerton A relationship takes trust. Of course I don't monitor partners. It's possible that they watch porn, cheat, take cocaine and have a secret second family.

Cheating, cocaine, and a secret second family are difficult to hide, and the truth will often come out. It's virtually impossible to identify if someone uses porn if they make even the smallest efforts to conceal it.

It's funny to me to see "progressive" and "Feminist" used as a an insult. God forbid a man wants me to have equal rights, eww!

I was talking specifically about men who brand themselves with those labels, but it often turns out that they just adopt those labels because they think women will like them. The creepiest, weirdest, and most horrible men I've met have been those the progressive feminist types. Not because of those labels, because they always end up being the men who are self-centred, obnoxious, horrible to their partners, etc. (If these are the type of men that women opt for these days, it would certainly explain why so many women on mumsnet have issues with abusive, controlling, narcassistic and cheating partners).

Yeah, there you have it. It all comes down to this. What is "really exquisitely nice" for men in a sexual context trumps the safety and dignity of women, every time. It even trumps the wishes of the women who they have sex with and who they claim to love, if you're to believe the posters on here who say that all men do it and lie about it (although note, I don't think we should believe those posters). In this case, it trumps the wishes that a 17 year old girl has for her relationships.

Sorry but the male sex drive is why our species exists. You can't evangelise it out of existence

Plus as above many women like it too

Because I know him and his views about porn and similar connected issues. And, not that this is a main factor I don't think (will say I'm not 100% on this) he knows if he ever did we're done, and I doubt he'd risk breaking his family up for a quick wank.

I suspect with dp it's more of a principal thing though for sure, connected to family history stuff, although he's never outright said that's the reason 😔

What about the female sex drive? I mean they have to usually agree with it….

... You'd divorce your husband for watching porn?

I think porn is amazing for women too. I don't really believe women who say they don't like it - there's something for everyone. But we are talking about whether it's realistic that men don't like it. It isn't.

I dont have a husband.

I'd break up with my partner yes. Absolutely.

@Megifer Because I know him and his views about porn and similar connected issues. And, not that this is a main factor I don't think (will say I'm not 100% on this) he knows if he ever did we're done, and I doubt he'd risk breaking his family up for a quick wank.

Given that he knows that you would end the family if he used porn, you don't think there's even the slightest possibility that he lies about porn and similar connected issues to ensure that you won't end the relationship?

I mean, it's quite clear here that there would be an incentive for him to lie, right?

Ok that is super odd