AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

You both need lie ins. Can you come to an agreement if how many each?
Is your DD with when you are not working or at nursery?
Your DH must be pretty knackered after 4 12 hour shifts so will need a rest.

She’s with me on 2 of the days I’m working and at nursery the other 2

If he's working then no, he shouldn't have to get up even earlier to help you. He has a fourteen hour day to get through!

Do the mornings need to be so early on the days he’s off and you’re only working a few hours? Surely there’s no reason to be rushing those days?

I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to get up earlier on the days he’s working a 12hr shift.

I don't see the need for both of you to be up tbh.

Who gets up at the weekend?

I wish they weren’t but daughter wakes up and then refuses to stay in bed and chill she’s screaming asking for breakfast 🤦🏼‍♀️

He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either!
Surley the solution is that he does 2 of those mornings and you do 2 of those mornings?

His work schedule sounds tough and very long days. Is your daughter in childcare while you work?

Could you have an arrangement where you do 5 days of wake ups and he does 2?

Well as he does 4 on 4 off it depends if he’s working but quite often when he’s off it’ll still be me as he says he’s exhausted from working 12 hour shifts for the past 4 days (which I totally understand)

But there’s no massive rush? Just get her breakfast, it doesn’t need two of you to do that, she can stay in her PJs etc can’t she if it’s a Friday or a day you’re only working a few hours.

Then on his four days off he should do two mornings, with a lie in on the first of his days off.

You both need a lie in. Neither of you need to be up early 7 days a week. If your husband got up two mornings out of his four days off then you both get two lie ins a week or so

I think he needs to get up at least 15 minutes earlier on his days in work to give cuddles and interact a little bit! Not really to help though with getting little one sorted.

At least one of the days off he needs to get up and you stay in bed I believe.

YABU to ask him, he must be shattered doing those shifts. You should share lie ins though.

no I guess not but I do need to leave for work my self by 8:45 and I am self employed so always have emails to go through in the mornings, it just always seems very rushed and stressful

I don’t think he should get up earlier on the days he’s doing a 12 hours shift, 12 hours plus commute is a long day working. Like pps, I think he should do 2 mornings of his 4 days off so you get a lie in then, so you do ( days of the 7 and he does 2. That seems fair given the split of work and ensures you both get some lie ins each week.

I’d officially say it’s fair that you do the mornings while he works 4 days and the first day off.
Then he does 3 mornings that he’s off work.

those are long long days so I don’t think it’s fair for him to do mornings on his work days.

He ‘lies in’ on the 4 days he’s at work plus the next morning, you lie in the next, he lies in the next (or you) and repeat. So you get one or two lie ins a week.?

There’s no reason he can’t do some when he’s on his 4 days off, as like you say, where is your lie in? He should be sharing early starts on days off like many DH’s who work full time do on a weekend. He’s being unreasonable to never get up with her and let you sleep in a bit

Why is your daughter with you on the days you’re working? Which days is she going to nursery?

I’m a bit confused by the set up and why you’re rushing every morning when you’ve said you’re only working a couple of the days and if you don’t need to be out until 8.45 you’ve got a couple of hours.

Similar set up here with my work vs husbands shifts
We do it so if I'm up an lot in the night he definitely does the morning, then the others we alternate so we both get to lie in one different days

No need for you both to be up, is a need for you both to get lie ins

I don’t understand the rush. You have hours to get her ready if she is up that early. You have two days where you don’t have work, so unless you have an early toddler class, you don’t need to rush.

I empathise, early mornings are hard. My toddler is always up between 5-6am and have to get another child ready for school too. Try not to get too stressed about it, it will get easier when she is older. Sounds like your DH has a demanding job, I understand that he needs lie-ins, but you should definitely be able to have lie-ins too.we do alternate days too, we are not both up at 6am.

I think like people have said, each get 2 days sleep in on his 4 days off but it sounds like he works really hard, I'm not saying your job isn't difficult cos i dont know but normally jobs 4 days on, 4 off are normally physically demanding. But I don't understand, if you're self employed can't you leave later if necessary, if you find mornings hard them jiggle the hours you work a bit but also, don't understand the rush like others have said. If your daughter wakes up at 5.45 and you leave at 8.45...that's 3 hours, that's a long time really to do what's needed

If I was working 14 hour days and my DH expected me to get up with the baby those days too I'd be telling him where to go!

On his 4 days off you should each have 2 lie ins.

Having to work part time with a strongwilled toddler in town, and taking care of said toddler 100% of the time except those two days in nursery is a tough job, too. You're both working hard, but your husband refuses to help you out because apparently his tiredness trumps yours. Honestly, I think asking him to help you a little more with the mornings is fair. You shouldn't get up together every morning, but asking him to get up at 6.30 just one or two of the days he's working and allow you 15-20 minutes to yourself in which a sorts a few of the tasks with his daughter is not unreasonable.

And as other posters suggested, you should share lie-ins when he is off from work. He doesn't get to duck out of responsibilities on four days off from work because he is "exhausted from long days." So are you.

I would ask him to get up a little bit earlier on one of his work days (say day 2) and then let him lie in on day 1 and 2 if his rest days ajd get up day 3 and 4.
This shift pattern is hard (DH used to do 8 days on 8 days or nights off). The turn about if having him not there at all to there all the fucking time was annoying!
We have 4 kids so it was very full on and after 8 days would want him to take over but he was knackered. So he took over on day 10.
Thank god those days are over!