AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

You've literally listed the things single parents do alone while working full time, and with more than one child.

You are being a bit pathetic being unable to get one 18 month old out the door.

@Zebedee2024, exactly. But none of that is paid work so it doesn’t count does it? The reality is that your DH is only able to work the hours he works (and build his pension and improve his career prospects) and completely check out of family life on those 4 days because you do everything else (without the pay, pension, career or respect).

You both have a tough schedule and I assume you have this set up because it’s what makes the most sense financially. But, the 4 days he is working are not sacrosanct and there has to be an acknowledgment that you are also working hard, just unpaid for most of it.

Surely the point is that she’s not a single parent though? How lonely it must be to have the life of a single parent when you’re married!

OP you are bit too much of a martyr here, we all have mental load, you have one child and work very few hours, how will you cope with more children and a FT job.

What a lovely woman you are..not! 😳

At what point did I say I am having more children or getting a full time job? You are making very big assumptions there

I think it would be a bit unreasonable tbh. But he should be doing a couple of the mornings on his days off so you both get lie ins

I mean I was originally thinking we were in the same boat but not at all. DH starts work remotely at 9:15 so he doesn’t get out of bed until 9.

On the days he’s working on site he’s out the house for 14hours too. I ensure DD doesn’t disturb him as he needs his sleep as I don’t want him getting in an accident.

Completely agree.

To work 4x 12 hours is an absolute killer for your mental and physical health.

I'd give him the first 2 days off to lie in then let him take over for the final 2.

Things like the MOT - book the appointment and arrange it for his day off.

I guess his wage heavily contributes to your holiday? You're a team.

I'd also work on training your DD to sleep longer.

You work 16 hours a week. Looking after a toddler and sorting the other things that come as being a parent is just what needs to be done.

The other option is for you to work full time and he part.

So he leaves at 7am, works 8-8 and gets in for 9pm, and you want him to get up earlier and look after your daughter so you get a lie in or because of you think it takes two of you?

He needs to be up early enough to have a wash, get dressed, eat food and spend 10 minutes with his daughter, as she doesn't see him for four days solid otherwise.

Day 1 of him being off, you get up early. Day 2 and 3 he does. You can sleep til you need to work or later if it's your day off. Day 4 you get up early.

Two of your days she's in nursery so you can always come back and nap.

Probably I'd suggest he do the morning on 2 of his 4 days off - you do the rest. He mucks in with the house etc also on his days off. Seems the simplest setup.

You need to split the mental load more intentionally. Ours is done down very gendered lines, for which I apologise to the feminist goddesses, but DH does the car, I do the food and cooking, he does takeaway runs, I do DS stuff because the entire reason I WFH/freelance is to enable that (he has SEN). You are really suffering from busy mind syndrome and it doesn't have to be like that. 4 days off is a good pattern and there's nothing to stop your DH doing some of the load on days 3&4 of his two days off, with or without a lie in.

PPs also have a point that the morning doesn't need to be a stress fest, there are things that can be done to make it easier on everyone.

And you should both get two lie-ins a week.

Then be happy you get enough decent sleep / don't need as much as other people. Is it really so hard to comprehend that years of broken sleep, the combo of late nights and early mornings, medical issues, etc might leave people needing more sleep without them being pathetic lazy losers

My DH gets up with the kids in the week. He leaves at 7am on office days. Kids wake at 5.45/6am He does breakfast then I do getting dressed about 6.45am. I leave at 7.30am with the kids.
We then split the weekends. One wakes up, one has a lie in each day.
My DH works longer hours (40 a week) whereas I am on less (30 a week) but I pick up more of the after school childcare.

If you are waking at 6am and don't need to leave until 8.45am, it shouldn't be a rush and stressed getting yourself and one child ready to leave. What sort of routine do you have? Our lives got 100 times easier when we set a get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, do teeth order routine. Then after all that was done they got play/down time. It took a while (about a year I think) to get into a good workable routine esp when I have to be out at a specific time for work.

thank you for all your suggestions I’m going to try and get my self more organised and in a better routine to hopefully make things less chaotic in the morning

Who said I get decent sleep?

I have a sleep disorder, actually. But I also have a farm to run.

But she’s not a single parent is she

Maybe he could do one a week. But it does just sound how sharing the load goes. What does he do on his days off? My Dh leaves early, I work full time busy management job and am alone in the mornings. I have to get 3 kids up, 2 to school and one to childcare, check their bags , they are in the right uniform have their readers etc, get to school at 8 for tennis one day a week and basketball another day, and myself ready for work too of course, I’m in the office 3 days and at home 2 days. I agree it’s high stress and a miserable job mostly but that’s how the chips fall.

I don’t understand how it is going to take two people two hours to get one 18 month old out the door

And again, the housework and everything else worth is nothing? Asking for a bit of help shouldn't be that much to ask.

I don’t know how it can be stressful when you have 3hrs in the morning to get ready? Check your emails when she’s eating breakfast, pack the nursery bag for the week and leave it there.

My toddler comes into our room just after 0700. I have a coffee in bed with them. I put an episode of Paddington on whilst I shower and get dressed, then get them dressed, sometimes a bit of toast if they’re starving whilst I have another coffee and check emails, then out the door by 0745 for nursery drop off before work. God knows what I’d do if I had 3hrs to kill!!

God these threads are annoying.

Of course he doesn't have to get up every day, but it's totally unfair that he never ever does the mornings.

DH gets up and leaves before me and the kids twice a week. Twice a week he starts at 9:30 and once a week he has a late start shift.

On his early days, obviously I just get me and the kids up and to school.
On his late start, I usually let him have a proper lie in.
On the other two days, we take it in turns so that one gets up and sorts kids while the other one has a more leisurely start - longer sleep, shower etc without worrying.

Then on weekends, we don't have this problem really anymore as the children are older, but lie ins were always shared.

If your Dh was MY DH, I'd expect that least 2 of his wor days he'd get up a bit earlier to help with stuff etc and he'd have to get up at least 2 of his off days too.

I do think you are over dramatising getting 1 18 month old ready in the mornings tbh. Have you tried resetting your child’s wake up time ( you might have and it might not have worked) 5 mins earlier to bed each night working up to a whole hr earlier to bed in the hope they will sleep later in? After all you haven’t mentioned any difficulties when the clocks went forward in Spring so you must have managed a rest them? You / your DH on his 4 off days would just need to have everything ready the night before so you just have to do the minimum in the mornings.

If you have a sleep disorder and a farm to run - neither of which the OP has indicated she has - maybe you’re not the best person to be advising on the merits of good sleep and a lie-in aye?!

It’s not just about getting her out the door. As I have previously said I have emails to reply to in the morning which is very difficult with her around, we have 3 dogs to sort out one needing 3 types of medication and there’s always washing that needs hanging up getting nursery bag or lunch ready if she’s coming to work with me, emptying bins and dishwasher it’s not just about getting her out of the door it’s the whole morning chaos