AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

Can't you have a nap at the same time as your child's lunchtime nap? Can your husband do that on the days he's not working?

When my eldest was born, I always did the morning shift combined with a full-time job. It really did push me to breaking point and I had to state/demand that my non-working wife do the mornings on the weekend, so that I could have a lie-in. I found the cumulative effects over a year to be too much.

I think your husband is being unreasonable if you never, ever get a lie-in, but you are being unreasonable by demanding he do it in addition to a 14 day.

I work 4 days she goes to nursery 2 days and comes with me 2 days and she’s with me simply because childcare is too expensive for us to send her the full 4 days

Wouldn't it make more sense to have her in childcare 4 half days a week than two full ones.

Anyways, you have 3 hours to get yourself and her ready in the mornings when you are working (ie not a rushed situation) and you leave the house almost 2 hours after her dad, I don't think it makes much sense for him to get up extra early and get her ready considering that and that his days are long. But yes, he should take her a couple of mornings when he's off for sure.

You need better childcare arrangements, not for your DH to get up even early when he already does 14 hour days.

On his 4 days off, maybe if he done it once. But you're not far off SAHM with those hours 4 days a week, compared to his tough schedule.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for you to do the mornings. You work 16 hours a week, he does that in a day and a bit. I understand him doing maybe one a week but you waking him up early before a 12 hour shift so that two people can feed your child breakfast would be absolutely ridiculous.

4 days off is a lot, I get he is tired for the first two but then it's all hands on deck. A working mum on a 5 day week doesn't get weekends off! I think 1 lie in each is OK whatever way you can manage it. I think also he needs to allow an extra 10 mins on his working day to interact with the little one and watch her while you get your shower or whatever in peace. Those few minutes to get organised can really reduce your stress and cost very little effort, he can just have his coffee or whatever with the child beside him for 10 mins.

Good Lord, he has 14 hour days and you only work 2 more hours a WEEK? Of course he shouldn’t!

You both need a lye in. Due to shifts etc, dp an I would have a 'lye in' one Saturday every two weeks. We still had swimming lessons so was up but not as early in the week. Dp worked early on Sunday's so sometimes I would get a lye in then if the dc didn't wake early. But we still alternated the only proper day for a lye in. He was always gone to work before anyone else was awake.

I think you both need two days of his four days off each.

Teeth? Baby teeth?

I love the apologists for the men here...just because someone works 12 hour shifts doesn't necessarily equate to working hard.

The household day should starts early (and presumably finishes early too) for everyone. If both parents insist of having lie ins then it should be equally split.

I think he should get up and do the early kiddy shift on 2 of his 4 days off. Working shifts really takes it out of you but do do kiddy mornings!

And if she cry's fit breakfast just give her a bread buns / tea cake to tide her over.
You've got it pretty good compared to dh - bet he'd swop with you of he could.

I wouldn’t expect to do the early mornings when going to do 12 hour shifts at work, whilst my partner worked 16 hours per week. So I wouldn’t expect it of anyone else. But I work 12 hour shifts so I know how tiring it is. I would say on his four days off, he does two of the mornings then- days 2 and 3.

1.Plan ahead - have breakfast food out and ready to go. Cereals in nice serving containers on the worktop. Kids plastic bowls and spoons neatly stacked next to them. Breakfast bars (we like Jordans fruity flapjacks) in a nice box neatly arranged. Fruit (apples, pears) nicely in a bowl. Bananas hanging on a banana tree. All out on the worktop. Put it on a nice tray or two, makes it look neat and deliberate. The aim is that you have zero stress getting the food together AND DD can learn to climb up with a step and help herself as time goes on.

2.Do the same sort of logic for anything else you have to sort in the morning - coats and shoes, are they neatly on a rack? Do you have a child height set of hooks for DD to learn to hang up and get her own coat (like at nursery)? Keep her own shoes underneath. Again the aim is everything in one place, and DD can learn to sort herself out as time goes on.

3.Your make up - put your daily stuff in a box or bag, saves time and mental effort not having to sort through a bigger box or multiple areas to find products.

4.Hair - don't wash hair in the morning, do it the night before

Etc. Etc. If you gradually work on bringing things together in one place (and decluttering) it will streamline everything and you will find mornings less stressful.

Got nothing to do with being a man. It's to do with working 12 hours a day vs 4 hours a day. Although I believe he should get up one of the mornings, it's absolutely nothing to do with being a man.

Couldn’t you arrange the childcare to cover your hours across the four days rather than two full days? You’re currently juggling child care & working on two days and having her in nursery full days when you’re only working a few hours.

YABU. You're doing 4 hour days and he's doing 14 hour shifts, he'd be exhausted getting up earlier.

Share the lie ins let him have 3 and you have one or 2 each you'll run him into the ground if you carry on.

Regardless of how taxing the actual job is, a 14 hour day is going to be much more tiring than a four hour one, even if it is done by a man 🙄

OP works sixteen hours a week in comparison.

In all honesty I'd think you were a cheeky fucker if I was your dh.

Why are you rushing if you are up from about 6 and don't need to leave until nearly 9?

You could nap later in the day imo.

Neither DH or I get a long lie in at all 😱 crazy.

Just accept its going to be a tough gig with a toddler until they are older. I can see it from your POV and his too. There will always be an imbalance there as he does 4 on 4 off.

The morning rush? She's up at 6, you don't leave till 8.45, that's a leisurely chill morning .

I don't think when he's working so much more than you, nearly as much in one day as you work in the whole week, he should be getting up earlier to get her ready.

Lay ins should be equal when he's off for 4 days. You get 2 he gets 2, simple maths.

Come to an agreement and get your lie-ins on some of the days he's off. It's a nice regular pattern of work.

What do you do for work that you can bring your 18 month old along with you? Other than this aspect you have a nice set up going and there's no reason with your husband having a 4 on 4 off pattern that you both can't get lie-ins, time to yourself, and time together as a family.

working with a toddler around is madness, it’s unfair on her too unless you only work when she naps?

as you struggle with teeth brushing and hair: try getting a fun toothbrush, maybe one she can choose, try flavoured toothpaste, play teeth brushing songs on Spotify while you brush etc.
get tangle teezer for her hair or a shorter haircut. She is only little, her hair can’t be that long.

The bullshit coming off some posters. The DH works 12 hour shifts - if we say “14 hour days” that includes his commute but we’re not including OP’s commute or drop off to nursery. The DH also works for 4 days and then gets 4 days off. Unfortunately, the fact that he has a child means he’s not entitled to a lie in on his 4 days off. He should get 2 lie ins and OP should get 2 lie ins.

I too also work 12 hour days (Mon-Fri though) but somehow I still manage to get my child dressed and do the morning drop off before I go. The OP working part time and also working WITH her child in tow means that she hasn’t exactly got it easy, does it?