AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

Her job outside of those 16 hours is childcare, which is also hard. She is also working some of those days and managing childcare too. Her DH could be sat behind a desk all day enjoying a cup of tea for his 12 hour days.

No he doesn’t but certainly on 1 or 2 of his days off he needs to take full responsibility for the morning rush.

Whats the fascination with a lie-in? I’m amazed that people feel they need to lie-in at least once a week.

We run a farm, I haven’t had a lie-in for 40 years 😂

Surely one small child isn’t that difficult.

I don’t think he should be getting up on the days he’s working, that’s ridiculous. Maybe a couple of the mornings he’s off.

He shouldn't have to get up earlier on his 4 on days.

Surely the fair thing to do is during his 4 off days he gets up earlier on the last 2 days (so he has had 2 days to catch up after the 4 on) so you both get 2 days each.

My husband does all the mornings when he's not working. Do you also do any night wakings? I wouldn't ask him to get up when he's about to do a 12 hour shift but when I do all the night wakings I need a lie in sometimes so this is our agreement.

I work 12 hr shifts days and nights, Im out house for 14 hrs. Usually do 3 a week occasionally 4. I cannot stress enough how absolutely knackered in every way I feel after 4. It takes a few days to even feel human again. YABU to ask him to get up earlier on all his days off given your work schedule imo. Not unreasonable for you to ask for 1 lie in.

No I wouldn't ask him, if that's the situation.

He can give you one or lie ins a week on days he’s not working-that’s reasonable.

She’s with me on 2 of the days I’m working and at nursery the other 2

How on earth are you working with a baby/toddler there two days a week?! What is your job? Surely that can’t continue.

I completely agree. You are being very unreasonable.

To make it a more equal load can you work more hours and he work less and both share more of the childcare so it feels more balanced. Would that work in your situation? Fourteen hour day sounds gruelling for him and probably takes a while to recover from that but your child also needs help and lovely times with him.

Totally understand how hard early mornings are so we have always shared lie-in times fairly. It can obviously cause resentment and problems when anyone in partnership feels the load is unfair so can you both talk more about how you would like it to be in future?

This can't be for real
Poor guy!

Does he contribute equally to the house and child rearing on his days off @Zebedee2024 ? He should be. I'm the one who works the long shifts in this house and I get on with it when I'm at home and on my days off. I suspect the women on this thread who work long hours do the same. Baffles me as to why some of them don't expect the same from men. Simply, on his days off you get 2 lie ins each. Let him pick if you're feeling nice.

my DH works 12 hour days 5 days per week. I also work fulltime but i do 37.5 hours. I have 2 children living at home and DH's 2 children come every weekend. I do most of the cooking etc because I am at home about 2 hours before he gets home so it makes sense. On the weekends we have 4 children in the house so we are both awake anyway. On Saturdays we have busy morning - 2 children at swimming lessons and 1 child at football and then - unless we have plans - Sundays are our lazy morning.

You have to find a routine and a fit that works best for your family, but with you working 16 hours per week and you DH doing 4 12 hour shifts, you have to expect that you will pick up more of the home stuff because you are the one at home more. As long as he pulls his weight when hes off work.

Communicate with him. Sit down and have a chat and put something in place that works for you both

Im Not sure how to work it on his days at work, but on the 4 days off he gets the first 2 as lay ins or the first and last and you get the other 2.

Maybe dh can get up earlier two days , the two days you are at work with no childcare .

We have a similar number of working hours. I get up when dh is working. Although tbf he normally goes gym so up roughly same time. Weekends we get a lie in until around 9 each

I don't get the obsession with "lie-ins". Can you not get some rest during the day if you only work four hours?
I had three under three at one point, one of whom thinks waking up time is about 5 am and still does at 32 😂. We never had the drama that family life seems to bring these days.

Shift work is tough on family life. When DH did 4 on 4 off (two days, then two nights) I did the majority of the childcare. He would help on his days off, but needed the first day to recover after coming off a night shift.

I agree. Between us, DH and I just don't have lie ins. We share the load together.

Something is not right.

i get mornings are stressful.

can you change your evenings, so maybe go to bed early?
what sort of hair does your child have? Can it not be sorted night before?

you can’t change nappy change struggles, so focus on that. What breakfast do you need to make? Maybe feed baby something before sleep so doesn’t wake up too early?

you seem to resent DH. Deal with that.

no, he shouldn’t get up with you!

There does need to be a compromise somewhere but I’ve been on both sides of this situation and there’s resentment on either to be honest. It’s very hard in these early days.

Finding systems and compromise is the way forward. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you share the early mornings on his 4 days off, the days he’s doing long shifts I would ask him to be up at half 6 to allow you a shower and 5 mins to yourself

His child as well, he should get on with it and pull his weight. Remind him that he is also missing out on moments that he will never get back.

Don’t understand what you mean?

Thanks for all the replies! 😁

I think this is what people don’t understand and it’s frustrating. Yes he is working a paid job for many more hours than me. But when he comes home dinner is always made, toddler is in bed after a bath and wearing clean pyjamas that I have washed and folded and put away teeth brushed with the toothpaste and toothbrush I’ve bought nursery bag ready for the next day. Been to her gymnastics class the dogs walked and fed and medication given to our poorly dog. Various birthday presents bought for the parties we have at the weekend. Plumber booked as we have a leak, mots booked for our cars. Holiday insurance sorted and suitcases starting to get packed . Ordered daughter more holiday clothes as hers don’t fit anymore. Booked hotel for the wedding we are attending in a free weeks and ordered daughters romper for it. The list goes on. It’s not like I jsuy do nothing whilst he’s at work all day, I just don’t get paid for it