AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

Good for you that you can have coffee in bed whilst your kids watch tv but mine won’t do that. So narrow minded 🙄

You don’t have to do it all in the morning op. Talk to your dh and say i won’t be putting the washing on or emptying the dishwasher, either you do it or it builds up, we live in a pigsty and you do it on your days off.

It’s not hard to get things like clothes for the next day, packed lunch, nursery bag ready etc…

I do most of that while I’m cooking dinner (and yes I do have a toddler)

Yeah NO. While the toddler is eating breakfast im trying to brush my teeth and do some makeup, while breaking up fights with the older two and not being there monitoring the toddler means there will be a cereal mess I need to clean up. The nursery bag needs packing every day as they get dirty and come home in the spare or second spare clothes and that’s been the same with all my dc at nursery in two countries. I try to be out the door by 8 and can’t grab coffee until after I’ve dropped everyone off.

Exactly haha some people are so self centred they cannot comprehend not everyone can do things the way they do it. It would be a dream for my toddler to sit and watch Paddington whilst I got ready in peace but she’s not interested in tv in the slightest!

I mean it honestly sounds like you are making your own life more difficult and blaming your DH for it

I think it’s a case of organising things to make your life a bit easier in the mornings. Make packed lunch and pack nursery bag the night before. Lay out breakfast stuff and bowl too so it’s ready in addition to her clothes for the next day.

Has anyone mentioned what single parents have to do yet? Like all mothers should just pretend or ignore that there isn't another functioning adult in the house? Some of the posts on here, you should expect more from the man in your life.
You certainly shouldn't just be doing everything thinking ah well, it's what single parents have to do. I never felt lucky until I came on here. Now I do! Very lucky indeed.

I know it’s stupid! The woman telling me that’s what all single parents have to do..right but I’m not a single parent? Just stupid 🙄

If his 4 days off coincide with your work days when your daughter isn’t at nursery, presumably he takes care of his daughter rather than you trying to work with her? Agree that you should split the mornings on his 4 days off equally. Yes he does long days but lots of people do long days without getting 4 days off after every 4. I agree you should do early starts on his long days.

Blimey, put your knickers back on straight 😂

I appreciate what you're saying (that you do a lot of unseen, unpaid work in the home) but your list reads as though you're trying to make yourself seem much busier than you actually are - I mean, instead of just saying "I get DD bathed and ready for bed" you've listed out every single step - you've even included buying her toothbrush and toothpaste like it's a daily task, lol.

Don't get me wrong, I do agree that you do much more than just 16 hours of work, but you're not booking MOT's, packing suitcases or organising wedding hotels every day - they're annual events at best for most people.

If you're struggling in the mornings, why don't you both do things the night before? Someone washes up after dinner while the other preps DD's lunch and packs her nursery bag. Get clothes for both of you laid out and sorted so you just need to get dressed etc.

Doesn't make sense. Why are you replying to emails before you start work? And if you can't even answer emails in the morning, how do you work with her with you?

Blimey! I was only offering an alternative view, maybe it’s you who is being narrow minded. I’m not sure what’s so weird about chatting with my toddler in bed whilst I have a coffee?

I pack enough clothes for week by putting 5 of everything in for the 4 day week. If they have a particularly messy day and go through 4 outfits (which has never happened), then I just top it up the next day. Not sure what is weird about that either?

No where did I say it was weird but simply we can’t all have a coffee in bed in the morning. You were attempting to belittle me with your comments and you know you were don’t play stupid now you’ve been called out for it

🤣🤣🤣 fuking hell you are a snappy little fucker aren't you.

YABU.
In this case, your husband is doing enough.

But this is just normal life stuff . It's part of living . You have more time to do it .

And surely managing one toddler is not so big a job as to entail two adults ? We had 5 under 8 at one point and still managed a weekly lie in . I think you are making a bigger deal of things than you need ??

why don't you swap. You go out and work 12 hours a day, out for 14, and he gets to swann around doing 16 ours a week.

This.
My DH has chronic illness. I didn't have a lie in until my kids were 6/7ish and could go downstairs & watch tv with cereal bars on their own.

The OP’s husband doesn’t have a chronic illness though …

Plus childcare and all chores. They can swap and he gets to swan around doing 16 hours a week (part of which he will have to do with the child in tow) AND childcare and chores. My money is on the DH finding it easier to work 12 hour days.

Change her bedtime then. She's waking up early because she's had enough sleep, so put her to bed later. Or possibly also reduce/cut daytime naps.

I go out and work 12 to 15 hour shifts, more often than not 15, 7am till 10pm. Am I entitled to do nothing else? I need to tell my DH pronto 😁

But he doesn't "do nothing else", he just doesn't want to get up earlier than necessary before going out to do 14 hour days.

If OP also did 14 hour days out of the house and was the only one dealing with the toddler, then it would be different, but she doesn't. She works 16 hours a week and has the other 30+ to do the other jobs - that's plenty of time.