AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

He should be helping on the days he isn’t working surely, or some of them at least?

Do laundry Friday to Sunday, or hang it out after work
Get bag and lunch ready the night before
Empty bins and dishwasher when you get home
Don't bath your child every day

There are lots of simple ways to save time and energy.
Your partner should not get 4 days off though either. Perhaps a lie in the day after he had finished his 4 day shifts? Then he could do mornings for the other 3 days.

No I dont think he should be getting up earlier on his work days. But maybe once or twice on his non work days yes. I think maybe you need to work on a better morning routine, get things ready the night before if you can. I get myself and 3 DCs ready every morning, takes us 1.5 hours and I do even sit down for a brew. Sorry OP but one 18mo shouldn't be a rush with 3 hours in a morning. Housework, washing, tidying can surely wait until the evening when you get home from work or when DD goes to bed. I appreciate all DCs are different and we all have different routines, but you can also manage your time a little better. Your DH doesnt need to be there so early in a morning when he's got a 12hr shift ahead.

He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off

And he works 14 hours days...

My husband works 14-15 days at least 6 but mostly 7 days a week. He’s up at 4:30, I never get a lie in because of this. I work 16 hours a week plus the rest of the time being a mum. I also sometimes help my husband with work. Sorry to sound harsh but I literally do all you’ve just listed and more. I’ve done every bathtime and bedtime since my little boy was born. My husband isn’t in in time for bedtime. Even if he did slightly less hours I wouldn’t ask him to do more. He is knackered.

YABU to expect that you both need to be that up early. you both need a lie in so alternate. Better still - don’t let your daughter get up that early. put her back to bed, when she gets up put her back again, she will soon get the message that she can’t be awake that early in the morning.

He's out the house 14 hours? I felt tired just reading that! No he'll need sleep to be fully functional he's not a work horse lol

Toddlers are hard work! I'm a single mum and on the days that I work, my little one needs to be in nursery at 7am for me starting at 8am in another city. A bit of a stressful start to the day!

What time does her nursery open OP? Is it nearby? Could you pack her nursery bag and set out tomorrows outfit the night before then the next morning throw some clothes on yourself, brush her teeth and hair, put her outfit on, give her a drink of water for the car and put her in it and straight to nursery. She'll get breakfast there. Then you can be home for around 7.45 yourself so that you could get ready in peace?

I'm on the fence, yes, he should make an effort when he can but I'm in an almost exact position as your husband, plus on the last few sets of shifts have been busy enough at work to have to do 5hrs extra after each shift, most of the time, whilst not this bad I still struggle to get away on time and often don't get a break and I'm utterly knackered.
I, by default took care of the kids when they were young and did most of the housework and most of the time he now steps up, but I still do somethings despite my shift pattern and I resent it and feel burnt out. We never had this position when the roles were reversed, often I say no to doing more in the house and feel crap but I can't always keep it up.

I dont know what your husband does on these shifts but if it's what I do, then I kind of understand why it would be hard to then get up early and do stuff, but then I have been in both your position and now your husbands, I really do get both sides of the argument, so cant really offer a suggestion.

You are being very unreasonable.
It’s tough on your sleep when they’re little, but your work hours are light. Give your DH a break.

So there is only a morning rush two days per week?

when our little boy woke this morning his dad said I’ll come down with you I said why bother you may aswell get a lie in on your day off. We both don’t need to be down there and then I’ll have tomorrow on his last day off.

Sorry I think if I was working 14 hours a day and my partern was working 4 I would expect they dealt with the child in the morning 🫣

This is absolutely unreasonable in my opinion.

I work 3 x14 hr night shifts a week. On a Friday I get up with my kids at 6:30/7am and stay up until Saturday morning when I finish work at 8:30. When I get home, I spend 30 mins or so with the kids before going to bed for 4/5 hrs depending what’s planned for the day, then going back to work and repeat. On Sunday nights I work - then come home - get the kids up, dressed and fed and drop them at their childminders for 4 hours ( morning session) and sleep. I then collect them - play/ entertain them until their bedtime and go to bed with them.

My partner works Monday to Friday 8-4:30 ( leaves around 7 and home for 5:00). I would never expect him to get up with our kids before work - though often he is around whilst we have breakfast and does help if he can ( like getting our eldest drinks/ toys out etc whilst I breastfeed youngest). On weekends he gets up with them before I get home from work and sometimes if they’re not dressed or ready when I get home I’ll help before going to sleep. It’s teamwork. Neither of us ever really get a lie in unless it’s specifically arranged or someone’s Ill.

Our nearest family is 2 hrs away so no meaningful help with childcare available really without paying for it. ( this is a personal choice and our choice is not to rely on paid childcare more than absolutely necessary whilst they’re young and were able to arrange our work in a way that doesn’t force us too.).

if my partner worked 16 hrs a week + a bit of emailing + 2 full days off childcare and wanted me to do more childcare on my working days I would think this was absolutely unreasonable.

I do agree on their 4 days off , they should be helping in an equal split though.

She will soon get used to your morning routine. I do this with 20 month old twins and a 7 year old whilst my hubby walks the dog. I work 4 days a week- no lie ins for anyone in our house ha ha!

Chores like laundry, dishwasher and bins don’t need to be done in the morning. You can prep lunches and the nursery bag - doing them in the morning isn’t working for you. Then it’s easier to share the load. Your husband can do that too. It just doesn’t have to be in the morning. He can cover those chores at other times.

You deserve a lie in too. You should share them when he’s not working. You don’t need 2 adults to get up with 1 toddlers. You both need to organise more. It’s not just down to you though. He needs to do chores too.

His days off you should do two each

Do you actually NEED to reply to emails at that time of the morning or are you just choosing to so that you get them out of the way and the rest of your working day is then a bit easier? If it’s actually just optional, whilst I totally get the temptation, I would make a conscious effort to try and do them at a different time, as trying to do emails in parallel to getting yourself and kids ready just seems to make everything take 3 times as long - at least, that’s my experience! I have a 5yo and a 14m old and if I’m trying to do anything on my phone at the same time as getting them ready in the morning then everything is absolute chaos, as they seem to recognise that they don’t have my full attention and play up more, but if I forget about my emails and focus only on getting everyone fed and dressed, we can be up and out the door in 50 mins.

If you can’t compromise on emails in the morning, then you’ll have to compromise on something else and just organise yourself differently. I don’t think your dishwasher really needs emptying in the morning if there’s nobody going to be there all day - do it when you get home instead. Is there more you can be doing in the evenings instead, after your daughter has gone to bed? That’s when I get everything done tbh - packed lunches made, school & nursery bags packed, school uniform ironed, laundry folded, washing up done, toys tidied, bins out, hair washed, clothes laid out for the next day etc. It does then mean that I don’t get much of an evening, but I’d rather that than be rushing around in the morning.

But also - your husband should help on two of his days off I think. That way you both get two lie-ins a week

Of course he should feel getting up with his child a couple of times a week. It's not just your job to do it.

Fair enough, you can't have a set week with him doing 4/4 but is he really suggesting that he shouldn't have to get up with her on his work days because he's going to work and he shouldn't have to get up with her on his days off because they're his days off?

Ask him when your day off is.

We share it all - I work more hours than you so it's all split pretty evenly and we have a lie in each at the weekend if we want it.

Maybe sit down one evening and have a discussion about it all and how you feel and see if you can come up with something that works for you both.

You’re being very unreasonable asking him to get up earlier on the 4 days on. He has long days. You need to put a better structure in place for yourself those days.

his 4 off, share the lie ins.

But she’s not a single parent?!?!

If you’re only working a few hours a day would half days at nursery not be a better option? Is your partners job hard work for him? I do think he should be waking up earlier to see his daughter before work, does he hardly see her for 4 days at a time? I also don’t see how 2 hours in a morning isn’t enough time to do everything you need to before leaving the house. I’d be saying to my partner that a 6:30 wake up could work better as you could also have a bit of time in a morning. Unless he would spend it on the toilet like my partner would.