AIBU to ask my husband to get up earlier in the morning?

[Zebedee2024]

Hi, so I only work part time I do about 16 hours a week. I have Fridays off completely and just do a few hours a day Monday - Thursday. My husband works 12 hour shifts which with the commuting means he’s out of the house for just under 14 hours he does 4 on 4 off. I find mornings extremely stressful my daughter is 18 months and is very strong willed! Nappy changes, teeth brushing and hair brushing are a battle every day! By the time this is all done I feel exhausted already! My husband needs to leave for work by 7am but he can get up at 6:50 and be out of the house by 7. Our daughter always wakes up at around 5:45-6am. AIBU to ask my husband to get up with us and share the morning rush even though he then has to go and do a 12 hour shift and I either a) only have to work a few hours or b) if it’s a Friday don’t have to work at all. He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either! Should I continue to do mornings alone or should he be waking up with us?

No I never want to get up earlier either. I do though because i know how hard it is leaving the house on a morning with kids. Nursery runs, school runs, it doesnt always go smoothly does it? Especially when you have somewhere to be straight after. Because my DH is the one doing that part I like to make his morning as easy as possible. No he doesn't work as many hours as me but still. It's a nice thing to do for him when he does the hardest bit. He still gets up on my days off because that's what you do when your a decent person isn't it? You do things that you don't want to do to make the other person's life easier. Well, you do if you like the other person nevermind love them.

OP has three hours to get herself and a toddler ready in the morning. There's no reason why the adult who goes and works a 14 hour day needs to get up any earlier than they already do, especially when a lot of prep could be done (by both of them) the night before - lunch, outfits, nursery bag etc.

I'm sure I'll be shot down, but I really don't think working 16 hours a week and caring for a toddler is harder than commuting two hours a day on top of 12 hour shifts 🤷‍♀️

@ricecrispiecakes

Careful - that's a truth that can never be admitted on Mumsnet.

I would think he does one day and you do 3. You have an extremely soft 'work' /home life. I think expecting him to do more after a 14 hour day is UR.

I have a 19mo and your dd waking up at 5:45 is something that needs to be looked at. Is she sleeping too early or not full enough before bed, it could also just be a habit that needs to be adjusted.

Exactly op has one day of work almost equal to one of his. I think she should do more.

By your own admission then op isn't working hard either, even less so with a 16hour work week?

It's a shame it has to be a competition @ricecrispiecakes . It could just be two tired and fed up people doing things to make each other happy. Of course you won't get shut down, most people agree with you. I think me and my DH are the unusual ones. Though I will add we are both doers and organised so perhaps its just that and not much else.

So you expect your husband who works 14 hour days to get up at 5:45am every day?

But all the things you listed. ,you should be doing . What do you think all the free time should be spent on. On the days she's in nursery, that is all your time and you get an entire Friday too. I do think you are a bit of a CF.

you dont do this every day though do you

Suitcases and holiday clothes = Once or twice a YEAR

MOT’s = Once a year

Booking Plumber = Not often at all

Booking hotels = Not often

The rest is all general life maintenance - Part of everyday life as a parent

I have a 19mo, lay out her clothes the night before. Breakfast can be even made the night before. Bag packed as well. You need organisation, not your dh who works 14 hour days to wake up even earlier.

I've been the SAHP and i've been the out of the house 15 hours a day stressful job.
And i know which is harder, and i know that if someone working a fraction of my hours told me i should be getting up earlier i would laugh at them.

Who said anything about it being a competition?

The reality is that someone who is out of the house for 14 hours a day really doesn't need to be woken up any earlier than necessary. If they had multiple children or OP was also working similar hours, it would be different - but she has one child and only works 16 hours a week - she has plenty of time to walk the dogs and sort things out for her toddler.

And if we're talking about doing things to make each other happy - surely that works both ways? IMO, OP should be letting her very hard-working DH get as much rest as possible before he goes out to work the 12 hour shifts which enable her to work the hours she does.

I always have nursery bag ready and my lunch made the night before.
Having as little as possible to do in the mornings works best for me

So my toddler is up 6.30-7, I get her dressed and me and her breakfast, then shoes on her so that when 14 month baby wakes up, it's 5 min play with her in bed, get her changed and then straight into the car (she has breakfast at nursery)

I only do extras like water plants/dish washer etc if me & toddler are totally ready & have has some cuddles & a cuppa, before baby wakes

On the morning thing, you should do it on your own in the week, unless she's not sleeping through and you're the one dealing with that. On his 4 days of, you should get 2 or 3 lie ins.

So the home and child care as well doesn't count?

You're missing the point which is that the starts should be shared.

"He says it’s unfair he has to do all the mornings on his 4 days off as he then hasn’t had a lie in at all but then this means I haven’t had a lie in at all either"

He does do a share of early starts according to OP.

I always wonder what people think mums working those shifts do (there are a lot of us).

I’ll give you a hint: we don’t roll out of bed ten minutes before we have to leave. Because we’re parents.

But if you did have a partner, that only worked part-time hours, would you consider it reasonable for them to insist you got up early to do the morning routine so that you never, ever had a lie-in?

Do you also have a partner who only works sixteen hours a week with one toddler to care for?

In this situation I would do the mornings of his 4 working days and the 1st of his 4 days off. He then does the other 3 if you do bulk if housework, if housework is a fair split then I'd say you only get 2 mornings off.

Additionally if you are tired then go to bed earlier. Maybe you stay up so you get time together? I used to do 12 hour days starting at 6.30am and my partner used to want the evenings with me so I would stay up for him. Fuck that it was exhausting. I would never do that again.

I don’t think he should get up earlier op, he does 4 mornings a week and on work days he should work. You should do less chores those mornings if you can’t fit them in, but overall there should be time to get all the stuff done. If there isn’t then you can do it together on his days off. You do seem to feel a bit hard done by.

Of course you're being unreasonable.

He's got 14 hours out of the house in front of him 🤦🏻‍♀️

He more or less does your weekly hours in one shift.

Is your daughter dictating when you get up?????

Definitely yabu why are u even working only 16 hours a week wasting taxpayers’ money?!? You are clearly capable of working more stop making excuses and worse even trying to slave drive your husband! I can’t even understand why am you are so entitled asking this question!