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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

1000 replies

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 20:24

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

OP posts:
UKposter · 20/07/2024 07:23

@Onceuponacookie how are you doing? I hope it all went smoothly yesterday and he goes quietly.

Whenwillitgetwarm · 20/07/2024 07:29

Wow. Men really are the lucky sex! No matter how shit they are, there’s always a woman ready to house, feed and have sex with them.

Edited to say, saw the OPs update. Well done for realising his behaviour is terrible and not putting up with it a second more. He’s a user. I’m sure he was like this with the mother of his child. I’m also sure he’ll move on to his next victim quickly.

SummerTimeIsTheBest · 20/07/2024 07:41

Pack his bags when he’s at work, leave them on the doorstep and change the locks. You’re not a blended family, you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. To be avoided at all costs.

DelectableMe · 20/07/2024 07:43

SummerTimeIsTheBest · 20/07/2024 07:41

Pack his bags when he’s at work, leave them on the doorstep and change the locks. You’re not a blended family, you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. To be avoided at all costs.

Read the update

Pinkstanley · 20/07/2024 07:53

SummerTimeIsTheBest · 20/07/2024 07:41

Pack his bags when he’s at work, leave them on the doorstep and change the locks. You’re not a blended family, you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. To be avoided at all costs.

Not read the thread then?

Fraaahnces · 20/07/2024 07:55

I’m really proud of you acting so decisively and getting rid. I hope you and DC are ok.

Hummingbird75 · 20/07/2024 07:59

Op, YOU don't need to be embarrassed! He should be embarrassed.

Just say he moved in and it really hasn't worked out, and he is living back at his mothers now. No need to get into it more than that. Obviously you can talk in more detail to close friends, and tell them you were reeled in by his lies - your close friends will just be glad you are okay and shot of him.

People split up for multiple reasons every single day, give minimum information and move the conversation on. It will be yesterday's news before you know it.

I would spend time with your kids explaining this in full, they are old enough to know the truth and it will be a great learning experience for them.

SamW98 · 20/07/2024 08:09

OP - I hope you’re ok and yesterday went as well as it could

Please don’t be embarrassed. No one needs details. If anyone asks just say him moving in didn’t work out and you’ve split. That’s all anyone needs to know.

Be proud that you took swift action and booted his freeloading arse out. You only have to read on here how many women tolerate cock lodgers for years

daisychain01 · 20/07/2024 08:25

He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

just playing this back to you, OP.

If this is what he said, and I'm scratching my head in wonderment that a grown adult man would even be so entitled, what doubt do you have that he needs to be got rid of?

Why do you want a waste of space in your life so desperately you need us to tell you what's wrong about him? Baffling.

ETA read your update, but the point remains, and as one of the first posters said it was a big mistake for a boyfriend to move in with you and your children when you haven't had a proper conversation and agreed things like bills etc before he moved in.

dunBle · 20/07/2024 08:26

No need to be embarrassed, you're not the first, and unfortunately you're unlikely to be the last. It's sufficiently common that we have the term cocklodger for it after all. Well done for being so decisive in getting shot of him, and I hope there's not to much fall out from that. I strongly agree with the suggestions for asking 101 to make a note of your address in case he kicks off in the next few days or weeks, and a Clare's Law request doesn't strike me as daft either, given he's developed a temper since moving in.

Rebusa · 20/07/2024 08:33

He is the one who should be embarrassed, OP. Well done on acting fast and not letting it drag out. I’m sure your ex would have raised his objections sooner or later anyway at having to pay for this cocklodger.

There was another thread on here recently about someone’s partner who had been contributing minimally for rent and food, and now he was trying to say he wouldn’t pay anything at all AND that she should use her money to buy them a new house. Absolutely bonkers and she still wasn’t sure what to do. You OTOH have acted quickly and decisively. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thirtytwoinsidethesunset · 20/07/2024 08:35

What happened after OP? Did he leave quietly ? Are you ok?

Petitchat · 20/07/2024 08:40

Teeny bit worried about you, OP.
Are you ok?

Starlightstarbright3 · 20/07/2024 08:41

Well done Op .. you have nothing to be embarrassed about .

It would have only got worse .. this is the honeymoon period ..

Have you blocked him .. I would want no further contact with him

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2024 08:46

Well done OP.

He should be ashamed. He must have thought he could take you for a fool. How wrong was he?!

anyolddinosaur · 20/07/2024 08:47

Hope he is out and you are now celebrating.

Standupcitizen · 20/07/2024 08:49

It's brilliant that you've got a plan to get him out. What an arsehole. Clearly thought he had it made.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/07/2024 08:52

Embarrassing = staying with him for years before getting rid

Realising he's a lying freeloading twat then taking immediate and decisive action?

= Fucking awesome well done!!!

AngelusBell · 20/07/2024 08:53

Pinkstanley · 20/07/2024 07:53

Not read the thread then?

I have read the whole thread now and hope the OP has got him out of her house for good.

AngelusBell · 20/07/2024 08:56

Pinkstanley · 20/07/2024 07:53

Not read the thread then?

I’ve read the whole thread now, glad to see unanimous agreement and hope the OP is OK.

Hididi11 · 20/07/2024 08:57

Please please please leave this guy.
You and children deserve the world and more.
You should never have told him your ex husband was paying the mortgage.
But even if your ex is, this guy should pay at least half the mortgage and half the bills.
Please dump this freeloader.
I really pray for you to dump this loser.
And fyi, the cheeky sod asking for a 50/50 split when you do move out.
Charge him rent and bills, open a kids savings account and put the money in their. That saving Pot is for your kids hobbies, school and their house deposit when the time comes.
Also if I was your ex, I would start charging this guy rent for a room and contribution to bills.

Please don't buy into all his compliments and flattery. Your children deserve way more.

Deb13b · 20/07/2024 09:01

Hoping you're doing OK. This thread has been on my mind a lot. Stay strong 💪

Clio82 · 20/07/2024 09:04

Hope you’re ok, OP.

Don’t beat yourself up too much. Once he’s out, put in down to experience and let your family look after year. Buy yourself a lovely big box of chocolates and eat the whole thing on your own sofa in your own house. Much better feeling than sharing with an inadequate man x

ExDancer · 20/07/2024 09:07

Onceuponacookie are you OK? Some of us have started to worry for you ......

radio4everyday · 20/07/2024 09:10

Ask him to leave. If he refuses, wait til he is out, change the locks and leave his stuff outside.

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