Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

1000 replies

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 20:24

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

OP posts:
CrazyChefDoDoDoDoDoDo · 19/07/2024 22:41

Iamawomenphenominally · 19/07/2024 21:00

I hope he went quietly OP. Good for you for packing his bags!

Have a relaxed weekend if you can. Don't be embarrassed you let him move in, be proud you kicked him out swiftly when he thought he had his feet under the table.

Also this ^

Playinwithfire · 19/07/2024 22:41

This is completely mind blowing..shocking how you really don't know someone until they're in the most personal of places.

How ridiculous that he thought you would just give in and allow him to love rent free!! Total prick of a man!!

I just hope you are ok.

Nazzywish · 19/07/2024 22:48

You deserve better than this. Your children definitely deserve better than this. Think of it this way,he's taking from your children in one way or another. That extra income he is saving by not paying is all for himself and he's not willing to see you or your kids better of for it. Wake up OP . Move him back out pronto before it becomes a mess and stop stalling. And then get rid of him entirely, he sound absolutely like someone looking for a free housestay and not a relationship worth pursuing.

70s · 19/07/2024 22:51

Please let us know how things go op. I’m so angry on your behalf and get rid!! Is it worth a 101 incase he gets violent or comes back unexpectedly? Then you’d have on record that you are scared of him. I would be too x

echt · 19/07/2024 22:56

Nazzywish · 19/07/2024 22:48

You deserve better than this. Your children definitely deserve better than this. Think of it this way,he's taking from your children in one way or another. That extra income he is saving by not paying is all for himself and he's not willing to see you or your kids better of for it. Wake up OP . Move him back out pronto before it becomes a mess and stop stalling. And then get rid of him entirely, he sound absolutely like someone looking for a free housestay and not a relationship worth pursuing.

The OP has made an update.

Karmakamelion · 19/07/2024 22:57

Hope it well as well as possible x

Shesellsseashellsunluckyshespoor · 19/07/2024 23:28

Hope everything went ok today OP,
Well done for being so strong and putting yourself and your children first!

AngelusBell · 19/07/2024 23:49

JimberlyJo · 18/07/2024 20:30

Unfortunately you’ve given him too much info on what your settlement with your ex amounts to. This was nothing to do with new bloke.

Get rid. Things won’t get better. He has no intention of paying his way.

Change the locks, leave his things outside in bin bags, block his number.

DelectableMe · 19/07/2024 23:50

AngelusBell · 19/07/2024 23:49

Change the locks, leave his things outside in bin bags, block his number.

Show quote history

Read the update.

Murphs1 · 19/07/2024 23:56

Well done OP, hope you’re doing ok. 💐

Cloudsarebright · 20/07/2024 00:23

i’m sorry but that’s soooo 18th century. you deserve better bæ xxx

Isthisreasonable · 20/07/2024 00:27

Hope you're free of him and safe OP

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 20/07/2024 00:29

Tell him to cough up or get out. He can either pay his share or leave.

DreamTheMoors · 20/07/2024 00:55

I’d pay a dollar to see his tizzy once he finds out you’ve not only moved him out, but you’ve locked him out as well.
I hope you blocked his number too.
It’ll be meltdown city.
And you’re the mayor, @Onceuponacookie
lol

Nanaof1 · 20/07/2024 00:57

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

You rock! I hope you know that. You ROCK!!

You did not dither around trying to decide if it was right or wrong because you already knew.
Do not be embarrassed, at all. Some dud TRIED to take advantage of your kindness, good nature, and he thought he was "a catch". You saw through him and realized he was nothing but a remora, sucking off of others.

You ROCK! I am clapping and cheering for you! Glad you have someone with you too. I just hope he doesn't try to break in since no one will be there.

He might try to "plead" his case, don't listen to him. You have done with what's right for you and your children.

WTG and Congratulations on your freedom!

AngelusBell · 20/07/2024 01:44

Now I’ve RTFT - honestly, I had 20 years of this type of freeloader trying to get their feet under my table because I was a single parent homeowner. After my divorce I very nearly moved in with an ex to be a blended family until I realised that instead of supporting myself and my DD by working full time I would be supporting him and his 2 children as well, because he had no intention of getting a job - NO CHANCE. Stay safe and don’t listen to any emotional blackmail.

AngelusBell · 20/07/2024 01:45

DreamTheMoors · 20/07/2024 00:55

I’d pay a dollar to see his tizzy once he finds out you’ve not only moved him out, but you’ve locked him out as well.
I hope you blocked his number too.
It’ll be meltdown city.
And you’re the mayor, @Onceuponacookie
lol

This ^ 💯

Nanaof1 · 20/07/2024 02:25

@Onceuponacookie I hope you got through the evening and were able to relax and get some "Mom love".
Stay strong and stay safe. Have your BIL or another male check your house out just to be sure your now ex hasn't done anything untoward.

Sending the very best wishes to you and your DC.

Celebrate!

PoopedAndScooped · 20/07/2024 03:11

Hope he is gone and you are ok

TheCookieCrumblesThisWay · 20/07/2024 04:39

Don’t be embarrassed. You’re showing a lot of strength with your decision. Hope it all went ok. Take care

autienotnaughti · 20/07/2024 06:32

Sounds like he was showing his best side until he got moved in . Good for you acting so quick op! It would only get worse.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 20/07/2024 06:35

You are amazing and strong. These healthy boundaries are a gift to your integrity, and a gift to your children who have the most amazing roll model.. Your children have seen how to maintain their values and self respect, even when it is a hard decision to make. They will grow up knowing mum can cope with the hard stuff, so I can trust her with my hard stuff and follow her lead. 💪💫

Lampslights · 20/07/2024 06:54

Any update op? Did you tell him, did he go?

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 20/07/2024 07:08

Hope it wasn’t too awful and stressful for you.
Well done for being so decisive so quickly.
i really hope that you are ok
sending hugs x

FunIsland · 20/07/2024 07:12

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Don’t be embarrassed, he’s the idiot not you. I genuinely think the way that you’ve taken control of this is inspiring for other women who find themselves in a similar situation. I hope the conversation went as well as it could and you have been able to relax in your own home in the knowledge that you’re a fucking warrior.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread