What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

Having lived with your dad for decades, hearing all sorts of emotionally bizarre, devoid and controlling things, your mum won't have a good grasp on reality. Like you grew up thinking that was a normal childhood, she's lived her life thinking that's a normal relationship.

You can't take your mum seriously at this stage.

Sadly, I'd be giving up hope. I'd probably text her back, saying that you're pleased she's made peace with the situation but you can't and won't be around your father. That if she ever wants to talk, she's welcome round on her own but that no amount of words will change your mind.

I hope your father passes soon, for all your sakes, you and get an opportunity to rebuild your relationship with your mum.

She doesn't know how to be a mother and hasn't done what a mother should. She still doesn't know how to be a mother and is still doing things that a mother should not. At some point in life you get a revelation that your parents are not and will not ever be what you want them to be. They wont love you more than they do or respect you more or put you first. You can't change them. It's quite liberating. You can therefore chose to carry on having contact with this manipulator who really does not see you as particularly important part of her life that is worth fighting for, and who is damaging to your own life or you can step away without guilt. And then if she wants to be in your life, she now needs to prove to you that she's worthy. NOT the other way round.

You did the right thing keeping your children away from your father , it's a shame your mother couldn't do the same for you , she enabled your abuse. She is as bad as your father.

Hi op - I suggest you look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - I had a terrible childhood and your mother is an enabler and codependent. I’m not sure what your mothers choice was given the year you where born - I was one of 7 in the 50s my mother had nowhere to go but she wouldn’t have left him anyway. She continues not to respect your boundaries. You have asked her not to text you but she still does. I ask her again but suggest you say if you do not respect my boundary I will block you.
you are obviously wanting a mother you never had - it’s painful - you need to become your own loving parent (which you seem to be) you are protecting yourself from HIM and your children - you need to deal with her. 🌺

She has enabled his abuse for years, and is even now taking his side. She will not change.

The messages I would read as self pity - she says she loves you so much but you don’t want to do what she tells you so you’re to blame. They are not an expression of true feeling, but of self pity and an attempt to manipulate.

This.

I would block both of them.
You really don't need them in your life.
They are awful.
Both of them.
Have you siblings ?

I'm so sorry, this sounds really hard.

Being a cynic, I think she sends the messages so she can tell herself that the lack of relationship is all your fault, and that she couldn't possibly do anything else/more to fix things.

I think your choices are:
A) block her and accept neither of them are allowed to bring this negativity to your life.
B) respond to each text with something per pp messages, or even decide something that would really make a difference and be doable, like "if that is true, please can we meet at X place not Y". And just send the same reply each time, putting the ball back in her court.
C) carry on ignoring them, but I'm not sure this is sustainable long term...

I think @Namechangeforthis88 has nailed it.

She's doing her best to reach out because she loves you. But she's lost touch with how to do it in an authentic , natural way. Her emotional expression has been flattened and distorted by a life spent with your father.

Yoive done nothing wrong in protecting yourself and your DC.

She's as guilty as your awful "D" father because she's been too passive her whole life. Block them both. If he dies would you even go to his funeral? Under such family circumstances I doubt I would.

Being cynical, the only reason she's messaging you this guilt ridden crap every day and trying to keep you onside is she realises when he dies she'll have noone to care for her. And she probably thinks by keeping you sweet you'll bend to her requests.

Words are cheap, actions are what really counts when the chips are down. She's certainly never acted as a supportive mother should. Watch her send you flying monkeys when "D" F dies. She'll reap what she's sown!

She’s again putting her needs above yours - these messages are her ‘proof’ that despite allowing and enabling abuse of her children and grandchildren over decades she is a ‘loving mother’, which she needs to feel despite rejecting you and your requests. You have articulated your needs - for some personalised contact - and she is refusing it.

It is this constant daily reminder that she doesn’t listen to you and respect your boundaries which must be upsetting. I would ask her one last time and explain you love her but can’t keep getting upset by daily declarations of endless love whilst being simultaneously ignored. Then you might have to block on WhatsApp for your own wellbeing. I am LC with my own mother because of childhood trauma, and I could not cope with daily messages triggering me.

She feels guilt.
she wants you to tell her it’s okay you don’t mind. She was a great mother.

she wasn’t.
And the uncomfortable truth is SHE is now manipulating and controlling YOU

she forced you back into contact you didn’t want to assuage her guilt and is now angry that when her husband couldn’t meet you1/10th of the way you said enough is enough I don’t want to do this.

now she sends these shitty messages so just like her….you have no peace.

its fundamentally wrong.

no decent mother would do this.

she doesn’t give one shit about your needs.
her priority order is:
her husband
herself
some other stuff
you

i wouldn’t be offering her a home of r cottage or anything else.
you cannot help a drowning man who doesn’t want to be saved

I’ve a narcissist for a ‘mother’, enabling grandmother and a late grandfather who was violent (never towards me, I was the ‘chosen one’). Almost everyone is now cut off and I’ve had to grieve for living people because I needed to do the best thing for my children.

My only question is why are you continuing to allow your mother any contact? Surely allowing violence to happen to children is just as bad as being violent in itself. As a mother, your only instinct is to protect and it doesn’t seem like either parent protected you.

I agree with others, I think you need to respectfully ask her to stop messaging you and, if she won’t, block her. I assume she knows where you live so in an absolute emergency she can contact you and you can of course leave the door open to a proper relationship so long as she is prepared to meet you at your house and leave your dad out of it?

God knows what she’s doing. Could be guilt, could be that she’s kidding herself that the messages make things ok, could be that her ideas of how to show love are completely off. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand so better to manage your own life than search for meaning.

My advice would be to mute your mother's account on WA. You'll still get the messages, she'll still get the double ticks but they won't turn blue until you want to read (if you ever do) the messages she sends you.

You're not cutting contact but you are protecting yourself from the controlling messages.

If you wanted to you could let her know that she is welcome to call you but you're no longer going to be keeping any messages she sends you and you will be deleting them. Put the ball back into her court so to speak.

I can imagine her sending these messages to you whilst in the toilet. I guess your dad has controlled the narrative and told her you were the one who wouldn’t be kind on the phone call. It’s hard to see your being abused whilst being abused. I really empathise with you I am very lucky to be alive too after a near terminal diagnosis and my ‘mother’ didn’t bother with me, despite me reaching out. I think you’re doing the right thing keeping your kids away from your father. I know how much this hurts and I’m sending you so much love.

Abuse and trauma changes the brain. Your Mum has had decades upon decades of this. While I think we all expect women to put their children first, I think with the way in which abuse impacts people, it sadly is just not that simple.

You deserved better @Hummingbird75 . I wish even if your father couldn't, then your mother could have put you first. I do wonder if her messages are a way to let you know how much she loves you even through in person those things are so hard for her given all she's endured.

Apologies, I haven't had time to read the whole thread bar your updates yet, but I'm just wondering how his health is now? Is he maybe close to the end and she's getting her ducks in a row with you?

Your mum enabled your dad and now, by continuing in the WA group and receive those repeated messages, you are enabling your mum to maintain her self image as a loving, supportive mother.

an OP suggested telling your mum that her words don't match her actions. I think this is an excellent phrase. I'd send her one final message along those lines, saying that until her behaviour is as loving and supportive as her words you will removing yourself from the group and blocking her messages.

My mum was an awful parent but towards the end of her life she would send similar, effusive messages and greet me with over the top endearments. It was awful, it felt so fake and dysfunctional and completely papered over the huge faults in our relationship.

I had an abusive step father growing up and my mum allowed it to happen for my entire childhood before she finally kicked him out. It was too late for me by then, damage done.

The relationship I had with my mum after was strained but when I became a parent myself, I was even more disgusted with her. As much if not more than with him.

I could never, ever allow a man to treat my DD the way your mother allowed your father to treat you. Your mother is also abusing you, she is not listening to your needs, she is thinking only of herself, she is manipulating you. She does not deserve you.

I would block all of them.

Dorothy Rowe said - if you have one abusive parent, and the other parent doesn't protect you, then you have two abusive parents.

I feel sorry for your mother because she is obviously such a victim. But the hurt and pain and abuse has to stop somewhere. You have done the right thing for your children, and for you- although I appreciate how painful this must be.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It sounds incredibly painful and confusing. From your story, it seems like you've faced a lot of trauma from both your father and your mother’s complicity in his behaviour. Your feelings are completely valid, and it's understandable why you would feel confused and hurt by your mother's actions.

I agree that it seems like your mother is trying to maintain a facade of normality and love without actually engaging in meaningful, supportive behaviour. The daily messages may be her way of alleviating her own guilt or trying to convince herself (and you) that she’s still a loving mother, even though her actions don’t support that.

Her refusal to stop sending those messages despite you asking her to indicate she’s prioritising her own need to feel like she’s doing something over your actual emotional needs. It seems like she's trying to keep a connection, but it's a very shallow and possibly self-serving one.

You’re not missing anything in the situation; it sounds like you’re seeing things very clearly. It’s important to prioritise your own mental and emotional health. If her messages are hurtful and she refuses to stop, you might need to set even firmer boundaries. That could mean not reading the messages or even blocking her number if that’s what you need to do to protect yourself.

It’s also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had with your mother. She may not be capable of giving you the support and love you need, and that’s a painful reality to face.

Ultimately, you deserve to feel loved and supported in a genuine way. Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children from further harm.

A good mother would be saying to you to run far far away from this toxic bunch of people (including herself) and be happy and free away from memories of the violence and hurt of your childhood. She should be making that sacrifice for you because that would be in the best interests of you and your children and she would want you to be happy no matter any effect on her. Selfless and unconditional mother love.

I’d say that your mum does deeply love you in her own limited way. It’s a love that’s so limited it looks like hate sometimes in practice - the fact that she passively allowed your dad to abuse you and so on. She hasn’t been able to change and I can see how those messages feel sickly. It’s the total disconnect between her actions and words. I don’t know what her childhood or whatever was like, but it’s as though she isn’t capable of loving you in the way you need to be loved - by protecting you, putting you first, not allowing you to be abused. Although my situation is very different from yours, I’ve experienced that disconnect too of being gushingly told repeatedly how loved I am and then being treated as though I am absolutely not loved. I’ve had to just accept that this person is so damaged this is the best they can do. I think you just need to massively lower your expectations of your mother and continually remind yourself she is too damaged to love you in the way you deserve (and perhaps even if the way she herself wants to.) You can’t trust her but I don’t know if that means you should cut her off completely.

As someone who's trodden this same path I believe you're very wise and also very insightful, Hummingbird75

Though of course it's deeply hurtful to you, your mother's cornered herself into a position where appearances mean all in a hopeless pretence of a normal family life, and while she'll know it isn't the truth acknowledging this would involve indicting herself and the choices she's made

I agree with PPs that you may see a very different woman if he goes first, but whether there'll be enough left to salvage by then is unknowable, so probably all you can do is try to make peace with the fact this is what she's chosen and to allow time to take care of the rest

So right @whatevss "It’s also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had with your mother. She may not be capable of giving you the support and love you need, and that’s a painful reality to face"

It's a sign of being a grown up when you realise this. And actually it is like a burden has been lifted because you don't need to fight any more to change her.