What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

Oh yes the monkeys will come. Guaranteed.

Fortunately for me I have barely any contact with extended family (most distanced themselves from my parents years ago) and I don't have any contact with my sibling for that matter, so it will be minimal.

My mother usually becomes her own flying monkey with a very convenient health crisis being the most likely reason.

This is really really big. Shedding the programming is so hard. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.

‘she is having her needs met within that relationship with my father in a way I can not fathom. But she is choosing this for herself.’

This really resonated with me. It’s something I’ve had to accept about my own mum who has also actively chosen to remain in an abusive relationship with my dad.

It took a huge amount of work to reframe how I viewed my family and my past but it has been incredibly freeing to reach the point where I no longer feel responsible for her happiness and well-being. It’s not our job! Our mothers are fully grown women who have options and have actively made choices for themselves. We can’t control them, we can only control how we react. It’s the hardest thing to accept though, and it comes with a grief at the realisation that you’ll never have the mother-daughter relationship you deserve.

Hold on to the love you have for and from your children: that’s what you’ve created for yourself, that’s the family to focus on now.

This is an amazing reply considering how glib and lacking in insight the comment was. All credit to you for so patiently explaining exactly how it life is lived in the alternate reality that is an abusive relationship: completely baffling to outsiders.
It makes me think of addiction, there would seem to be some parallels. The addict’s power of choice has gone because the feedback loop in the brain has been rewired to prioritise the continuation of the supply above everything else, including (and especially) those nearest and dearest. These unfortunates are nothing more than fodder as the illness takes over, collateral damage, as they are sucked into the quicksand of codependency. Codependency can be seen as a form of addiction itself and those affected also have to learn to change regardless of the outcome - which you seem clearly to be on the pathway to doing - well done.

A side note: do not imagine for a second that working in this field gives you protection against it. I have seen many professional like you who are confused at being wrong-footed. It’s ok. You know it now and you can rebuild. Your boundaries are in place and you are protecting yourself from slips. You have gained the insight and understanding that you need. This becomes your new protection.

A close family member of mine was in an abusive relationship and despite all the help, advice and support she was given, only managed to break free when she was ready to see and hear for herself. It ended in court with her giving evidence from behind a screen. I myself was in an abusive marriage for 23 years - the doormat just referred to previously - that’s how long it took to pluck up enough courage to leave. (And as an addendum, some ‘friends’ who had been urging me to leave, then switched sides once I did, so be prepared for some blowback maybe?).

You are absolutely on the money when you say that you had no self-worth to find. It would be fatally easy to slip into blaming now, yourself included. Don’t.
Revenge, resentment or bitterness - these things have no place in your future. You are such a compassionate person, you deserve the best. Go and get it.

To me my mother's relationship looks unbearable.

To her though, he is a constant. He does all of the house work, cooking, cleaning and gardening. He pays the bills and is reliable.

Yes he has an explosive temper, yes she has lost most of her friends and family over the years. Yes he abused her children but that was then and this is now in her mind. Yes he hit her but didn't everyone back then? Yes he constantly puts her down, bullies her and intimidates her but she can ignore him and tune out. She just sits there and zones out whenever he starts, and has perfected the ability in five and a half decades. My mother has bargained with herself to stay where she is, because ultimately she chooses to stay married to my father. And this is my mother's right, to choose who she lives with, where she lives and how she lives. It is not for me to tell her otherwise.

I have said when asked that she is in an abusive relationship, I have reminded her she always has a home here with us or with others. She knows all of this and she is quite happy to stay where she is. I respect her choices, she is grown woman and should not be coerced by me to leave.

However, sadly that is not enough for her.

She also wants her children and grandchildren to tolerate his abuse and to live with his explosive temper and nasty bullying. She wants all of us to bargain away our safety and well being so she doesn't have to lose us as well. That is where the difficulty lies. I will never accept him around my children, or around me. I have the choice also, and I choose to be away from known abusers, the difference is that she does not respect my choices, and expects me to toe the line. Her line.

Yes, you have. I think in a deep psychological and spiritual sense, you need to grow up. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it sounds, but all this hankering back and nostalgia is the mindset of a child.

I don't think it is unnatural to want a loving relationship with my own mother, nor to wish my children had a grandparent (they now have none, as my in laws have died) It is reasonable to be sad about that, but not so it over shadows mine or their lives. You will be glad to know I am doing a very good job of not allowing that to happen.

It’s possible she sends the messages because she needs to believe she is the sort of mother who loves her children more than anything, even though she clearly doesn’t show that in the way she treats you.

‘I realised today, and I am rather ashamed to admit that I have wasted too much time already focused on the situation with my mother…’

That painful moment of realisation now can pass. Take the wisdom, relief & freedom that sharp pain of shame brings. You are not that sad neglected hurt child who had no choice, you are now an adult woman rapidly gaining insight & making your own choices.

@Hummingbird75 you are a brave bird & many a MNetter walks with you on your journey wishing you all the best, for there is so much good ahead of you.

Thank you! I am hoping I will become a tough old bird by the time this is over 😃

I do have the sense that I have been under this/her spell for far far too long, and although it ebbs and flows, so some months and years there is a barely a ruffle, I am painfully aware that I have been controlled for a very long time, and the bad days can be awful and it has impacted my family - it must have done. And certainly my poor dh. It is time to let go of it all. Send it off with love and my mother now needs to be responsible for herself and her life. I have put up with too much already! I do feel some shame around the fact she has leeched so much energy and time already...

I do feel some shame around the fact she has leeched so much energy and time already...

Try not to.

Your abusers are the only ones who should feel any shame.

@Hummingbird75 your DM will never see the wrong she has done because she has normalised her relationship with your DF and you. Therefore you have no option but to accept the relationship will never be what you want. I think deletion is probably the closure once you have got to the long-term block. Sorry to say that. And well done for getting this far.

Or channel that shame to fuel "no more".

Shame isn't always a negative emotion if it propels us to do better......

In your case to make the conscious decision to let go of your family and their toxic power over you, for you to FINALLY choose YOU and your family.

That to me is "shame" as a hugely powerful source of positive change.

You are probably spot on that she'll initiate a health crisis. Your instinctive reaction is to respond, however try to hold firm. She's not alone, she's got him and your other sibling for support.

Speaking from experience as I think I'm a similar age to you, there will come a time when those emergencies are genuine, and you can't allow any guilt to be placed on you in those moments either by anyone.

I'm not responsible for my DM's health. Or responsible for being at her side when she's feeling poorly and lonely. I choose to give her more care than I was ever shown as a child, but if I feel overwhelmed at that, I know I have the choice to step away, guilt free even if it's her last moments.

The “health crisis” is so common in situations where someone limits or cuts off dysfunctional relatives, that it has a slang name. It is often referred to as “Christmas Cancer”. As a coping mechanism, I’ve seen people make up bingo cards of the different reactions to them stepping away from the relationship and actions to get them back in line. They then set a prize to reward themselves with once there is a bingo.

It is helpful that I have had my own genuine health crises some of which were life threatening over the years, and she has not rushed to support me or be by side. On occasion she hardly bothered at all to even text - although she always eventually texts to get the low down as this is useful to share with others.

My conscience will be clear if anything happens to her, I was a child when some of this happened to me and I barely saw her at the hospital (my father couldn't take time off apparently, so she had to care for my brother and spent a lot of time redecorating)

Hell could freeze over and I wouldn't go the way I feel at the moment.