What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

I want to be kind about your Mother, but I cannot.
She flung you under the bus as a child. She was the only one who could have stopped the abuse, and she didn't.
You were the stronger Mother, and refused to allow your children to be abused.
How ever sweetly, she has tried to shove you right back into your childhood position, with a 'plus one'.
She knows he has not changed, and yet is trying to persuede you to allow your Father to continue his abuse of you and your child.
I am sure there are many psychological reasons why your Mother is doing this, lots of labels, but really, she should be telling you to keep away from him, and seeing you when she can.
Protestations of love mean nothing without the acts.
I am so sorry for you, build a family around you, people who show their kindness and love. I wish you all the kindness possible in your life from now on.

I agree with this. I grew up with a similar dynamic, only without the physical abuse, and my mother opted to stay with my (step)dad even though she knew it was harmful to me. I was kicked out of home 'to keep the peace' as soon as I turned 18.

Your mum has made a choice to stay with this awful man, and to be his 'flying monkey', and part of that choice was to sacrifice her relationship with you. Perhaps she feels that he 'provides' for her and you don't or whatever, but ultimately, it's a selfish decision. She's trying to compensate with the love-bombing - mine does this too - but it's meaningless. It's just to make her feel like a good, loving mum, because deep down she knows she actually isn't.

You have completely done the right thing as far as both your father and brother are concerned.

Why are you struggling so much with your mother?

You know what you need to do. Yes it is sad but you should have zero guilt, even the fact that you were willing to allow them both back into your life speaks volumes. You sound like a really lovely person despite everything you have been through and a wonderful mother to your child.

End this cycle of abuse today, once and for all.

She is a narcissist, your brother is the golden child, you are the scapegoat. It's classic triangulation. She loves/approves of you only insofar as you provide her with narcissistic supply by playing along with/gratifying her inflated self image. When you threaten that image by daring to be honest (you are the healthiest person in the family) you are punished with the silent treatment (which is the worst punishment she can imagine as she herself thrives on attention). Her messages do not express caring for you they are an empty self-serving performance of devoted motherhood. I can see why you are disturbed by them. She won't change or see your point of view I would go NC and you will need to find away to reparent yourself and give yourself the love you are craving

(My brother) was always, and still is, golden bollocks as I call him. And can do no wrong. My mother protected him from most of my Dad's abuse and rerouted it towards me

Hang on; I posted last time before seeing this, and unfortunately it suggests an element of choice on her part I perhaps hadn't fully appreciated

Though as said she's undoubtably damaged herself, this makes her own abuse of you even worse and it's certainly something I'd be laying on the line to your mother - not because it'll do any good with her, but simply to underline what you already know: that you're absolutely justified in your own choices

Typo

She wants that kind of relationship with you but doesn’t know how to deal with your dad. He is the problem, by the sounds of it, is a very nasty cruel man.

Abused people do have less free will than non-abused people but should still take responsibility for their own actions.

If someone is in a cult where they are brainwashed and abused and they allow their underage child to be raped by an older man, they are just as much to blame.

I don’t think being in an abusive/ coercive relationship is an excuse to abuse or allow abuse to happen.

Your mum chose her relationship over protecting her kids.
She was a bad mum because she allowed the abuse to continue.

You are a very kind person to still be in contact with her at all.

But it comes across as she is the one manipulating and trying to control you.

If I was you I wouldn’t go completely NC but I absolutely would start making some of the rules.

Do not reply to her messages unless they are actual texts.
Do not meet at her house, if she doesn’t want to meet elsewhere then don’t go.
You don’t want to see your dad and so she needs to stop trying to guilt trip you.

@Hummingbird75 are you sure these messages are not your Dad and some sick game. Are you close to your Aunt? Could your Aunt check that your Mum is sending them?

Your Mum (and your brother) have fully bought into your family of origin script that controlling other people within the family is acceptable behaviour. So is avoiding reality and glossing over abuse, people do this in families in order to achieve homeostasis and maintain status quo because emotional work and facing up to dysfunction is very hard work and often holds up a mirror to your own failings - which people don't like. I would look up systemic family therapy and family scripts to try understand some of your family of origin dynamic. Only when you understand it will you also get that there's very little influence you can have on such a powerful force.

I was your mother for close to a decade, my exH was physically abusing me but like you the absolute worse behaviour was the coercively control and psychological abuse, he liked to call me fat knowing I was a recovering anorexic and he blamed my childhood sexual abuse on me saying 'I make people who love me hurt me'. There is nothing to be done with people like this. They are broken and so is your mother. The minute ex started to take it out on DC I was out of there - because they didn't deserve two broken parents. You don't deserve two broken parents either. You will not regret cutting these broken people out, trust me. In fact, you won't fully heal until you do.

My mother protected him from most of my Dad's abuse and rerouted it towards me, I took a lot of hits for him in our younger days and we were solid right up until the point I decided in my early 30s with my own children to consider that enough is enough.

Wow.

Why do you love her Op?

If it wasn't your Mum would you have cut them off years ago?

If so-why is so little expected of your Mum but more of others?

The oft-quoted serenity prayer is worth remembering. Mute her on WhatsApp. Your peace of mind is valuable and you are not responsible for your mother's circumstances. It is legit okay that you are stronger than your mom; it may be her best legacy to you. Look after yourself. x

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Some of you are saying why I am allowing her to treat me like this, and why can I not simply walk away from her?

I am up to my neck in FOG that is why. After years of conditioning that she is the poor victim in this, and I must do everything in my power to make her happy. I am finding it intensely difficult to break free from her.

I believe she knows this.

Hence the breadcrumbs of empty words she offers me.

My job in life is to try and make things better for her, that is all it has ever been. A role of playing to her tune, listening to her for years about her feelings, supporting her, cheering her up. Making life better for her because my father is such a brute. I was put on the earth, quite literally, to serve her.

It feels quite unthinkable to do anything else.

The best I have been able to do is protect my children and go low contact. I moved 300 miles away to put some distance between us, otherwise she would have got into my kids's heads and manipulated them as well. She did try, when she stopped talking to me for around a year - she would speak to my children and tell them how sad I had made her, despite the fact she had stopped talking to me for going low contact with my father. She gave me the silent treatment for just over one year, and it didn't bother her at all. I cried every day for that year, and felt bereft.

The truth is I have given up on myself in some ways. It is too late for me now. I am way too broken to be save. I recognise I am still in the cycle of abuse myself, because I am completely unable to protect myself and walk away from my mother. I have no ability to walk away or to leave her, I don't know how to. So in some ways I am still stuck and she knows this. I can't leave her for fear 'something will happen to her'

So I remain where I am. A rudderless, helpless feeling where she pulls the strings as and when she pleases.

Wtf!! I would find your mothers behaviour unforgivable. I understand the complexities of controlling relationships. I'm sorry but your mother was complicit in allowing your father to physically abuse you. My love and inherent need to love and protect my child would override any fear I had.
Sorry you had such wicked parents but now is the time to free yourself and go nc.
Much love to you ❤️ 🫂 x

I absolutely cannot imagine ever doing this to my dd and if it were me, I would just not have any contact. Leave the pair of them to it. You have a loving family to spend your energy on, not wasting it getting upset with her over something she will not change. As for your father, you did the right thing. Live your life and let them live theirs.

I have no advice OP but you sound like a fierce mother and an astonishingly strong individual.

For what it’s worth, I think you are already mourning the loss of your mother to you even if she isn’t dead yet. I wonder if once you accept that, going completely no contact might be something you can contemplate.

Sometimes when people have made a decision to do something that is unpopular with others (in this case to stay with your dad) they want others to “join in” with that to validate their decision. The thing is that you don’t have to feel obliged to do that
It’s also said that forcing contact of any kind (your mum’s daily texts) is an abuse of sorts

I’m afraid it sounds as if your dad is still very much in control and only your mum can change that

I’d go no contact with the lot of them and focus on your healing and your family. (MUCH easier said than done I know!)

You sound like the only one with an ounce of sense and decency. Well done for breaking the cycle.

You are doing the exact right thing in staying away to protect your DC and yourself. Who knows what to make of your mother's texts - guilty conscience, desperately trying to hold on to the dysfunctional family structure she knows, real feelings for you, cry for help, comforting ritual in her dysfunctional life. Whatever the reasons, these texts are doing you no good and she is not listening and not respecting that which means they are about her and not you.

I would be tempted to send her a message saying her texts feel like empty gestures and they are upsetting to you and you will be blocking her number if they do not stop. Then go ahead and block.

Not sure if you are getting therapy, but it sounds like there is so much for you to process. Good luck in breaking ties with your toxic past and focussing on your lovely family.

I was thinking exactly this

So sorry you're going through this.

This. Block them and continue to move on with your life with your children. Well done for protecting them - I’m just so sorry that your parents didn’t do right by you.

You are not broken. You're a kind person, who loves their mum, trying to do the right thing. That isn't broken. It's not your fault that she's not the mum you need or deserve. She's clearly a narcissist. They always weaponise victimhood to manipulate the people around them. They enjoy being victims. I fully understand why you can't walk away, but you should definitely talk to a counsellor about this, and they can help you set some emotional boundaries which will make this easier for you to deal with.

I have a similar dynamic with my own mum. It's really hard to accept that, for whatever reason, they just don't love you in the way 'normal' mums do. I would die for my own kids, and I've always considered that 'normal', whereas mine would chuck me under a bus for the lifestyle she wants, which needs funding by a wealthy man. If that man is a twat who hates her kids, then so be it.

This thread isn't about me, but I've found it really helpful to read. It has clarified a few things to me, too. We end up stuck feeling like helpless children in these situations, but we're not. You are a strong, independent, intelligent woman, and a loving mum to your own kids. Hold onto that.

The truth is I have given up on myself in some ways. It is too late for me now. I am way too broken to be save. I recognise I am still in the cycle of abuse myself, because I am completely unable to protect myself and walk away from my mother. I have no ability to walk away or to leave her, I don't know how to. So in some ways I am still stuck and she knows this. I can't leave her for fear 'something will happen to her'

I expect this is why several PPs have suggested therapy, OP, and having also once felt that I was "too broken to save" I do agree

The whole thing's a horrible mess when you're stuck in it, but there really can be value in a neutral professional supporting you to unpick and clarify issues if it's something you'd be prepared to consider?

Have you had therapy OP because this all sounds very tough to deal with.
Ultimately I think she's saying these things to make her feel better, not to make you feel better. She can say she tried with you and told you she loved you. So her part was done.
But love isn't just words. Actions are also love. And she has not shown love with her actions. Even if she decided the life with your father was the life she wanted she still could have acknowledged how that made you feel and the impact on you. And your illness too.

Anyway my ultimate recommendation is get professional help. It's a horrible situation for you

After years of conditioning that she is the poor victim in this, and I must do everything in my power to make her happy. I am finding it intensely difficult to break free from her.

That you realise though is surely a big step and that you have moved your children away & protect them is huge.

You deserve that same protection from both of your parents.

If something does happen to her it will happen whether or not you are in contact.

She will never be the mother you want & deserve & perhaps that is what you are holding on for?