What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

Block her for the sake of yourself and your children. If she eventually decides to think of someone other than herself she can reach out to you through your brother etc. You do not need to deal with the mind games every day.

I have had very clear conversations with her about the harm my father has caused, my intense disappointment that she stood by and watched on so many occasions, or just carried on cooking in the kitchen.

I have been very clear that my children will never be around this kind of behaviour, that they come first.

The issue is that I love my mother deeply, I wish so much to be close to her, but she feels out of reach and has chosen to stop engaging with me because they come as a package. That is how it feels. Unless I accept him fully then I can't have her either. The messages are to alleviate the guilt this causes her, because I have always been a kind, loyal and caring child to her. This is becoming more obvious to me as I type. I have been sacrificed, this was her choice and continues to be her choice and he can do anything he likes to any of us, and she will never stop him.

I think I have different advice from some on here. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt that she truly loves you and that her texts are more true that her actions. Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith.

I would reply to her messages and say that you love her too and miss her and would love a relationship with her when she is ready for it. Ask her to find a way to make that happen and tell her that the ball is in her court, but remind her that it cannot include your dad in any way as you need to protect yourself and your children from his abuse. Tell her that you have always wished she could have also escaped from him but that you want a relationship with her anyway, even if she cannot do this.

If she truly loves you she will find a way, eventually. Even if she is under his coercive control.

However, keep in the back of your mind that this is a gamble: she may never be able to give you the support that you need or deserve and she will probably never admit how bad your father really was and is. Allowing herself to do so would mean she’d have to admit to HERSELF that she’s wasted her life on an abusive man and that may simply be too much for her to accept emotionally.

I wish you all the best.

She wants the illusion of a happy family whilst nor being willing to put the work in.

As hard as ignis to hear, victims can also be abusers. I think you need to reframe your mother's part in your childhood. She was happy to let you take the fall as long as it made your dad happy.

I'd honestly get therapy because it'd going to devastate you to your core when you start unravelling this and realise that she is just as bad as he is in every way. She didn't just bot protect you she was relieved when he turned his physical violence to you. Its incredibly disturbing.

I absolutely agree that you have been able to do for your children what your mother was unable to do for you. I wonder if on a conscious or possibly subconscious level your mother can see that and it is evoking huge feelings of shame for her that you can do what she couldn't. These messages may be a way of her trying to right her narrative about how she is/has been as a parent. Whatever is motivating them they are very clearly not about you, they are absolutely self serving.

Listening to your story what is clear is that whilst maybe your mother didn't actively abuse you she has not been the mother you deserved. She has not centered your needs, she did not protect you and you have never been her priority. It may well be because of the years of abuse she suffered from your father and I wonder what her experience of relationships may have been as a child which drew her to remain in this one. You can have compassion for your mother whilst also recognizing that she hasn't shown you the love and care you deserved as a child or now. I think because your father has hurt you so incredibly it can be hard to see how harmful your mother's actions have been too. Ultimately you do not owe your mother anything and you need to think through what if any kind of relationship you want to continue to safely have with her. I hear from your op that you made the decision to stop seeing your father for your children - I wonder if you can show up for yourself in the same way. You deserve more than this.

If you are not already I would strongly recommend some counselling to work through all of this, it's so emotionally complex and deep rooted that some professional help will be super helpful for you.

God poor you and well done for breaking away from your vile father. Your mother sounds totally brainwashed but is abusing you too so you need to break contact for your own mental health.
I'd also send one final message telling her you will be blocking her number so won't receive any further messages. Remind her you are a phone call away but whilst she stays continues to enable his abusive behaviour, you can't have a relationship with her.

chosen to stop engaging with me because they come as a package.

This is deeply manipulative of her. She has been an active part of the abuse.

The thing with coercive control by abusers is that they scare the victim half to death.

Your mum will potentially not leave that bastard as he's told her he will kill her or all of you - and based on his violent nature she believes him.

She may think she's keeping you safe by staying with him and chooses to make this sacrifice in the misguided belief that it's better than all of you being beaten up.

She's had 50 years or whatever of beatings. She believes him. She just wants him to love her. He is incapable of love. She hasn't guessed that yet.

The messages will no doubt be checked by him before she can send them.

She has been conditioned by years of abuse. You said he was violent to her and then took it out on you instead. Now you're away who do you think it getting beaten up again now. She prob can't tell you but leopards and spots...

She probably does love you but is too deluded and damaged to leave him at her age and start again.

Up to you to decide whether to allow her to continue to message,

Or block her and tell her she's welcome to phone but all her messages from now on will go straight to trash and you won't see them,

Or try some other way of letting her express herself. He probably won't allow her to meet you. And if she does her will beat her on her return.

I get why you blame her for not leaving as she totally should to protect you, but there are shades of grey in between the black and white that can't be unpicked now and I doubt she will ever leave.

All you can hope for us for him to die quickly and for her to be free. He's an utter bastard. I'm sorry you have all suffered. It's horrific.

I'm so sorry you grew up with this. Despite your horrible father's abuse, you sound like you have made a good life.
I had a difficult childhood with parents who fought most of the time although like yours. I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother, I've went low contact this year as she was affecting me more mentally.

You might want to look at the "But we took you to stately homes' threads as a lot of people on there have been through similar and have good advice.

she has not protected you, she has chosen to stay with him. She continues to try to coerce and guilt trip you into having contact with him. you are deprived of safety , real connection and genuine care or respect. She likely considers your boundaries as cruel/unkind because she doesn’t know about healthy boundaries, and in that way she can also justify her thoughtless treatment of you

I think at some point, we have to accept that it’s not always as straightforward as one parent being the abuser and the other being victim. The true picture can be very ugly, and very difficult for kids to come to terms with because we have to accept that our “good” parent has neglected / abused us and is a vehement enabler. This is such a hard thing to make peace with, especially when you have lost contact with the other parent. I’ve been through exactly the same with my mum, and even after she split up from my dad, it has just been a parade of other similar man over the years.

when your relationship with your mother is defined by fear, obligation and guilt it’s not healthy. You’ve gone above and beyond by offering her to live with you., How lucky she is to have a daughter like you and how unlucky you’ve been to have your parents. it’s so sad, there is so much loss to grieve

on a practical note, if you have any sort of relationship with her sister, you could ask her to keep you informed if anything happens, if you want to take a bit of a break from the messages You could tell your mum that you need her to take on board how much it’s distressing you, and if she won’t, you’re going to block her for a few weeks to give yourself a break. then you could make contact again your own terms and then again block her for a while if necessary. Having boundaries with someone like this who is determined to ignore them is extremely difficult, but you can get creative and do things on your terms. Recently, after many years of kindly but firmly putting my foot down my mum has suddenly started showing a bit more respect which I really had given up on, we shall see but I’m glad I stuck with it.

good luck, you sounds like a great mum

Yes she has made it clear I can only really be part of her world unless I am willing to accept him 'for what he is'

(Which is a monster, trust me)

Cut her loose. She is as guilty as your father for the abusive childhood you endured.

I'm so sorry you grew up with this. Despite your horrible father's abuse, you sound like you have made a good life.
I had a difficult childhood with parents who fought most of the time although it wasn't good it was nothing like yours. Lots of other issues over the years.
I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother, she has got a lot worse since my father passed away. I've went low contact this year as she was affecting me more mentally.

You might want to look at the "But we took you to stately homes' threads as a lot of people on there have been through similar and have good advice.

Then she has made her choice and she will have to live with it.

She doesnt get you then. She can send all the gushing texts in the world but they mean absolutely nothing.

I think she might have low intelligence. She isn’t a mother to you because she lacks the emotional intelligence. She is unable to discuss anything other than the weather because she lacks the intellectual capacity to talk about anything else.

You need to block her messages on WhatsApp.

She doesn’t love you. She didn’t care when you were dying. You make all of the effort to see her.

Do you reply to these messages?

If not, as a PP said a reply of "your words don't match your actions" EVERY time may stop the silliness.

She is using emotional coercive control on you, and is as much of an abuser as your disgusting father is.

When my Mum does this (similar situation, less extreme), I think she's telling me what she'd like to feel. The kind interpretation is that she's so fucked up by her very difficult life that she doesn't have the capacity to actually feel, beyond a very limited range of habitual responses. Life is so hard, she's shut down. I can feel sorry for her, but also enraged at the choices she made for herself and for me.

I'd imagine your Mum can't contact you now, because you stood up to your Dad, so she is now the only way he has of getting to you, and punishing you for that. In an ideal world she would leave him, but after so many decades of brain washing it doesn't sound like she is able to do that. It is awful for you, but I can't imagine it is great for her either.

As PPs have said, she's sending those messages for her, not for you, so she can paint you as the unreasonable one, and possibly so she can tell people that she contacts you every day but you don't respond, you've tried to force her to choose between you and your Dad, which you haven't.

I think you need to block her on WhatsApp if she refuses to stop the daily messages and if she won't meet you. Let your aunt or brother know you've done it, and why, and ask them.to let you know of any news you need to know re he health and well being.

You are putting your kids first in a way she didn't, it's awful to have a mother who won't protect you, but you've come through it and should be really proud of the person and parent you are.

OP I am sorry you didnt get the parents yes parents both of them that you deserved and needed. Enough now ..time to let them both go. Put an end to this situation it is ruining your life.Only you can do this. Choose to live freely would be my advice.

I think your mum is and has abused you emotionally.

I think there's probably truth in the pps that she is herself a victim of abuse and may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. But I ultimately think it doesn't matter. The op isn't obliged to allow her to continue to abuse her.

You could try a final message - that if she does love you she is welcome to demonstrate it by restarting contact, but that otherwise you can't continue to receive her messages. Then I'd block her. I suspect she won't change, at least while your father is alive.

Ultimately, you are protecting your dc, and you need to protect yourself too, because sadly the people who should have protected you haven't done so.

I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care

She doesnt care, it's not that it seems that way, she literally doesnt care. I know thats a horrific awful thing to accept but it's true. Think about whether you could do that to your kids? if the thought of it makes you feel sick then think about what that says about her.

She is just as bad as he is. They're both completely toxic and I am so sorry.

Her behaviour is shaped by by a lifetime of abuse. She's still living with her abuser. You had the strength to get out. She didn't. I think it's her way of letting you know that she loves you without him knowing. Maybe her texts are the only thing that she still has control over because they're silent.

Op, I really have a lot of sympathy for you. I am a lot older than you but my father was similar. My mother really thought she was owed one big happy family and would not leave him despite being financially independent. Really she was his enabler.
After my father upset one of my children when they were young, I stopped seeing him. This meant my mother only visited occasionally but that was her choice.
Really as a mother, it was your mother’s job to protect her children and she didn’t do that. Although after I cut contact with my father, my contact with my mother was less that was her decision not mine. It does get a lot easier as the years go on. I might sound hard but this was the best thing for me. I have a sister who also felt the same way.

He will be controlling who she calls and when.

Over the years he will have totally worn her down. You don't know what he says to her. The control is so complete for women like this it's like brainwashing.

My mum was even controlled by my dad when he was in a home with no hope of ever going home. It was absolutely in her head, she still didn't see her family because he didn't like her doing that. She knew every response he would have made to every thing she did.