What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

God love you OP, this is all her dropping her mask.
This is the real woman.
The woman who directed abuse at you, stood by while it was happening, expects you to get over it, and turns absolutely vile when you have the temerity to try to explain your hurt.

Your childhood was beyond horrific and your parents deserve jail, BOTH of them.

This is who she is. If she was a victim herself she wouldn't respond like this.
But she is in fact someone who participated and offered you as sacrifice to your father to save your brother.

Both your parents are horrors.
Please save yourself and step away.

Well there you go. As soon as she started on your children, the decision has been made. It's evident from your posts that you have worked hard to protect your children from this and give them a better female parent than you had. (She's not a Mum, really, is she?)
In some ways, she has made it easier for you to take the decision. Block, mute, whatever. Never mention her again.

Take it. Be kind to yourself for a while. Grieve for the Mum you should have had. As time goes on, you will think about it less and less.

Honestly, my children mean that I've won- they are funny, decent and they tell me they love me all the time. I am their constant. We laugh together. They tease me about my singing. So everything my own Mum tried to ruin, I fixed.

I think this is her, and now she sees no point to the sickly messages she has switched again, and yes this is definitely an unpleasant side of her.

I can see what has happened now - they have put together this ugly version of me, no doubt reinforcing this image between themselves for validation so they pin all of the violence and issues both past and present on to me, blame me for all of the troubles our family has. I can see this is classic scapegoating.

For some reason I did not think my mother was part of this before, I always thought she stood up for me, but I was wrong. Before I thought it was just my father and brother's vendetta. But now I can see very clearly my mother is totally in on this narrative and is adding her own embellishments to boot.

God. I do see her very, very differently this morning. In the cold light of day this is not easy to look at.

What a great post, and I am so happy for you. You have fixed it, and I can hear the pride in your voice! It is an achievement to drop the rope and enjoy your own children and the lovely family you have.

I am sorry I didn't see this yesterday.

I am so sorry your father died yesterday afternoon, it must bring up lots of different emotions for you. I sense from your message there is a closure of sorts. The one or two positive moments that you can hold in your thoughts seem very comforting to you. I hope you are okay.

I am truly sorry you are going through this very stressful and challenging time Hummingbird75. Now give yourself permission to make a change for the better starting today.

My own personal mantra is "You can control your own behaviour but cannot control the behaviour of others".

You deserve to be loved but when the other person is loudly showing you that they cannot be the person you need or want them to be - believe them.

No amount of wishing, hoping, pleading or praying can change history i am sorry to say.

Don't waste any more emotional energy on something that does not deserve your own love, respect and efforts. Invest that valuable energy, going forward, in more healthy relationships with people who are able to cherish you for who you are and are able to love you in the way you clearly deserve.

Sometimes we become decent and loving people despite our parents (not because of them). Your children are lucky to have such a well balanced and considerate parent despite your own terrible past experiences. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you the peace of mind and happiness you deserve going forward. x

How your mother reacted when you tried telling her how you feel is exactly how my mother reacts - by getting personal and nasty.

They can't stand being criticized in any way, especially by their children...we are always supposed to be so grateful and so in awe of what 'wonderful' self-sacrificing (more like self-serving) mothers they were. They can do no wrong.

If you can't go full no contact, I would try and go very low contact, for the sake of your mental health.

My understanding, which is what she has said to me for years and years, is that my father and brother do say terrible things about me and my family and life, and are abusive, and that it is them and does not involve her. She apparently loves all of us, and has never taken any sides.

This is what I believed until I read her messages last night.

She has always said she stands up to them when they are unkind about me. My father and brother have banded together to make me the bad guy years ago. Their thoughts are that I was a terrible child and teenager (I was a very quiet child with no confidence at all up until secondary school, and a normal teen in fact after that) but I did not fall in to line. I was always 'difficult' and 'trouble' therefore no wonder my father ran out of patience and would hit me and throw things at my face, he would be unbearably cruel with his words. It was all my fault. I made him do this. Classic domestic violence case of victim blaming. In all of those years my mother said she stood up for me.

I now know that isn't true.

Reading her messages and seeing the things she has called me, this is exactly how my father and brother treat me and what they say about me. Word for word. In fact, in some ways it is worse coming from my mother. It feels like a complete betrayal.

The scales have truly fallen from my eyes this morning.

She is not the loving 'victim' secretly wishing she could be with my children and I and loving us from afar, as she said she was, but a fully loaded, signed up member of my bullying family and their take on me as a person. I now no longer believe she has ever stood up for me, or taken any measure at all to protect me from them, she has been in on this from the very start but just covering her tracks carefully.

This matters. Because now I can see what she is, and what she has been doing all of this time, it makes it far easier for me to block her indefinitely. I feel very strongly about that now.

I thought I was fighting for a relationship with my mother. I thought we were on the same page, I thought she loved me and defended me even if she couldn't be with me, even if she couldn't be a mother to me. This was totally false. I was being peddled a total lie. It is a sham. How can I not have seen this before?

She has been quietly messaging me daily and discreetly, but actually both her feet are fully in their camp and she has no doubt been saying and doing exactly the same things as them all along! No wonder she never calls, that would have really given her away. It has all become clear now. That is why she doesn't call, doesn't visit or doesn't send anything but a gushing text. I am amazed I didn't see this before.

The betrayal is immense. It is. I can't lie. But so now is the opportunity for liberation. I can bloody see her now! What a lying, deceitful, manipulative player that just kept me hanging there for what? Entertainment, a possible plan C if everything else goes tits up, boredom. Something to pass the day. It is certainly not love!!!!!!!!!

It was never love. Nothing close.

I see it now finally.

Jeez. I feel kind of overwhelmed by this knowledge and knowing. I feel sick.

Other already said it and subconsciously you maybe do really know it yourself but, no, none of what she said is ok.

What is the point, anyway. If she truly cares about you and your well-being why say those things after she knows what she and your father put you through.

She could say many other things, she could’ve said I’m sorry but I am unable to face that, I just can’t talk about that, I don’t want to talk about that I’m sorry and other versions of that. I think that would still be bad but she actually doubled down and went on the offensive. That is not someone who truly cares about the other person, that is someone who only cares about the outcome that suits them. You already answered that in your subsequent posts but who would want that in their life?

The sarcastic comments about your family. I imagine that might also be jealousy shining through, trying to mock the good family you do have as she knows she never had that herself. Again not something someone who cares about someone would ever do.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are hanging on to the relationship in the hopes of an explanation from her that will make sense of your childhood trauma. Unfortunately her view of the world is warped and there is no possible explanation from her that will be sane or honest. It sounds like you are sorting through a lot yourself, but help from a professional could be good for you too right now. x

Despite those that defend your mother as a victim, and give her an out, no decent real women and mother would direct her husband to beat one child to protect another.
No decent real woman and mother would stand by for years and cook as the beatings went on.

NO.

There is no excuse for this and it disgusts me when I read excuses for it.
Women have choices, no matter how hard.
Your mother never made a hard choice.
She sacrificed you.
Her real character has finally outed today.
What decent mother spurts such vicious bile against their child, her family, her grandchildren?
A woman like your mother who has ALWAYS suited herself ultimately.

Painful though this undoubtedly is, she has finally done you an enormous favour.

She has given you the out that will help you save yourself.

Her ugliness towards your success as a mother and your precious children should give you the final out.

I wouldn't want her ever near my precious children, not for a minute.
Leave her to her choices and ultimately your brother.
She is of no use to you, or your family.

Keep those texts. Anytime you feel yourself weakening, read them and recall her vile words against your children.

Despite the utter misery and brutality of your childhood, you have persevered and built a great family and life.

Should anyone ever attempt to guilt you, forward her texts.
Her texts and her toxic bile, are exactly who she is.

You seeing it and her clearly, finally, will set you free.
You cannot change others, only yourself.
Spend your energy on gaining acceptance of what you cannot change.
That is the holy grail of a tough childhood.
When you get there, as you will, it is a blessed place.

Oh gawd, I could have written much of this. Other posters have said the stuff I would say, about the coercive control and an inability to feel/convey real emotions beyond the false and sickly.
I just wanted to say that I'm in a pretty similar situation. VLC with abusive father but have to visit in order to keep contact with my mother, who is also very dysfunctional. She too has said a million times that she'd leave and I have always said she could move in with me and the children. But she's still there.
I also get daily random messages of ott love bombing and pictures of her garden and sunsets etc, even after an all mighty horrendous row where my dad has said/done something unspeakable.
I'm often left wondering what he would have to do for her to communicate anything other than comments about the weather and how the garden's doing.
It feels surreal and is, I suppose, a form of gaslighting.
Her response to his behaviour makes me think "is it me? Am i the problem?" despite knowing that nothing they do is normal.
I don't have much wisdom I'm afraid, just wanted to express solidarity x

Take extra care of yourself right now & remember that you have people who really do love you. You've already built a life which works without some members of your Family Of Origin (FOO) in it. From your point of view your mother has now joined that category of people, & that hurts; but remember that you have a life in which you are known & valued for who you are, & that's where your future lies.

You are not those things she said about you. You're right, it IS gaslighting, & the purpose IS to make you doubt yourself. If you doubt your own reality & give up what you know to be true, you will accept as fact whatever she says, & do her bidding. That's what she wants: a compliant victim.

Never let anyone else define your world for you.

My mother told me that neither she or my father were cut out to be parents. But where does that leave me, trying to live with the consequences of their dreadfully neglectful parenting?
It's true, but felt like a cop out and a shrug of the shoulders. Like you'd bought a house plant and it died, but oh well, you haven't got green fingers so it can't be helped.

Just seen your update, OP. I'm so sorry. And I'm wondering if this is actually the case for my mother too.

This struck a chord with me as well. I lost respect and interest in my mother as a teenager. As I mentioned in my previous post I don’t fully know when and how that happened.

But she can also be very sweet and appear very loving and caring but only so long her needs are met. As soon as something is an inconvenience to her it’s like a switch has been turned inside her.

I left home at 18 and never returned. I now have my children and actually do video call her now quite often but only to facilitate contact with my children (as I mentioned in previous post there was never any actual abuse of us). I myself am finding it quite interesting but the calls are very ‘strange’ in that I only speak about the children or encourage the children to talk to grandma. My mum usually just ends up talking about herself and I always feel like a got brain fog. I truly don’t care about anything she is saying and I can’t bring myself to respond in any way, I literally feel like it drains all my energy. I don’t know how exactly to explain it. It’s like I can’t even pretend. So all I ever do is stay quiet and respond with occasional hm, or talk about the children.

But it wasn’t always like that. I used to be more argumentative with her and try to actually speak to her but it just never went anywhere. She would never hear me and always shut down, mostly end with saying you are just like your father who she disliked immensely but remained married to him by choice (often saying to us she is only staying with him for our benefit)

What I’m trying to say I myself felt trapped as I felt like I wasn’t allowed to just go no contact. But I did move very far away, and it was when I had my own family that feeling of being trapped disappeared. I’m trying to facilitate the relationship with her grandchildren but that’s how far my loyalty goes. I know she will be saying things about me but I truly don’t care anymore. I’m giving her a chance to build a good, healthy relationship with my children, she only gets one chance, though, but she lost me completely. And she may well lose her grandchildren as it will be up to them to decide if they like grandma.

I used to feel guilty and sympathised with her as it looked like life with our father wasn’t easy for her. I didn’t like my father much either, but as said there was never any physical abuse anywhere in our family. However, all those feelings of guilt have now also gone. I can de-touch and see that she herself is a victim of her situation but that’s where it ends for me. I don’t have the capacity to try to help her. And I truly don’t feel guilty anymore - having had my own children is what made the guilt go away for me as they are my priority and all my energy goes into them.

And that it is what it boils down to isn't it.

If you love your child and the relationship in a place where it is possible to talk through any issues, acknowledge the difficulties or differences and really try to work on things you would never send such hateful messages.

Tbh I could never even see my children in that light - it wouldn't occur to me to even think those things about them much less say them. It could never insult and degrade them, and harm their little families and try and shatter anything that is good about their lives. It takes a certain type of person to behave so viciously towards their own child, and not one that has a heart overflowing with goodness and love.

So yes I completely agree. These are not the messages of someone that values our relationship or even cares at all about happens to it, and now I know why.

This incapsulates it for me perfectly. All of this.

Do we share the same parents!! Yours sound just like mine.

He will carry on hurting you, and might move on to your children as mine did.
The lovebombing is designed to keep your hope alive you might be able to salvage the situation one day (unlikely)

The banal conversation prevents any meaningful exchange taking place where some self reflection or responsibility might be required in my experience.
Mine is exactly that - in order. The weather, garden and very occasionally something that happened next door/down the road. Nothing more, nothing less and a steady stream of I love yooooouuu soooo much, to the moon and back. Nauseating.

You are not the problem.
Start with reading that actual book.
Put limits on exposing your children to this toxicity. You might come to regret it, as I did, it also ensures that your children stay in your sphere where they are safe. My mother consistently love bombed my kids whilst trying to turn them against me when she gave me the silent treatment. Tread very carefully is my advice. Any contact will be undermining what you are trying to do eventually (ie keep your children safe and having healthy relationships with others)

Can I just say thank you to all of you.

I have found this thread so incredibly comforting and educational. I know others will be reading this too, and it will be helping them as much as it is helping me and my family.

I have been working through and challenging my own beliefs on here and really trying to understand why I am trapped or enmeshed in this cycle, and I know the conditioning started before I could walk or talk, and it takes time to work through. It takes time to understand the dynamics of what happened to us.

I had a big breakthrough this time, something actually shifted properly in me this time. I can see things very differently. And yes my mother's latest messages were an absolute gift to me, to see her in that light, will help me move on properly.

How utterly awful for you. I went low contact with my mother but no contact is widely recommended - there are several books on amazon about doing this, like this one. Also if you just type "no contact narcissist" into google you will get loads of free articles. The narcissist will usually try to get you back, not because they want you but for the control. It is a good idea to be prepared.https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/joshua-coleman-phd/rules-of-estrangement/9781529350821?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlt_Gu6e4hwMV0YNQBh1z2gDyEAQYAiABEgKuk_D_BwE#NGR9781529350821

Oops, sorry, that's the wrong link! That's a book for parents trying to restart relationships!! This is the link https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/danu-morrigan/how-to-go-no-contact-with-your-narcissistic-mother/9781915412669?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0-y2wqm4hwMVjZpQBh3eRgAoEAQYAyABEgIBkvD_BwE#NGR9781915412669

OP, have you heard of the crab pot or crabs in a bucket mentality. Basically, if you have a bunch of crabs in a pot, and one tries to climb out and escape, the others will grab it and drag it back down. Instead of working together to escape death, they ensure that none escape and they all die.

A lot of us come from families of crabs. They do everything possible to ensure that none of us break free and survive. The only way to be fully free is to get far enough away so they can’t drag you back into the pot.

Your mother spent your entire childhood installing buttons in you. She knew exactly what to say and do to get her desired response from you. Those daily messages were a way to keep hold of you. She didn’t count on you doing the work to deactivate and uninstall those buttons. The empty, love bombing quit working, so her next tactic is to try to hurt you enough that you submit. Again, she didn’t count on you having worked on yourself.

Good job loving your children and yourself enough to break free. You have made it possible for your children to thrive in a loving environment, not survive in an abusive one. Those abusive messages were ultimately a gift. It seems like they are the final straw that enabled you to see who she really is and cut contact.

Be prepared for them to send flying monkeys, in the guise of “well meaning” friends and family, to drag you back into the pot. I recommend you practice some blunt replies that lay out exactly how abusive your parents and brother are.

My mothers response included calling me names and insults below:

Spiteful
Hurtful
Selfish
Bullying
Overly critical
Judgemental
Making her depressed
Making her anxious

Your mother is engaging in rampant projection. She cannot tolerate the idea that she embodies exactly these qualities, so she is projecting them all on you. Narcissists always project, it's a feature of their programming. They'll identify their very worst traits and behaviours and 'find' them in you.

Once you know this it can be very interesting to observe. My mother once accused me of showing no interest in her work, when in reality we spent a lot of time talking about her job. What was actually true was that she showed absolutely no interest in my career, even when I was doing well.

@Hummingbird75
If I wasn't an only child I would indeed wonder if you were my sibling!
Yes, the banal conversation is definitely done to block any exchange that may prove risky in their book. If I try and move to anything like that, my mum will literally panic. When I did it with my dad he would either pretend he hadn't heard or literally change the subject. Either that or get horribly angry and accuse me of getting at him. Even with stuff like disclosing child abuse. Somehow it was wrong to ask why he hadn't stopped it, because that was somehow unfair and mean. They've made me doubt myself on so many levels which has meant that I've put myself in dangerous situations many times because they've eroded my ability to trust my own instincts.
They have tried this behaviour with my children, which is when I saw it for what it is. I couldn't see it with me, but could with them. So my children barely see them and have banal text conversations and the occasional FaceTime (they're young adults).
But like you, I'm pretty done.
Be safe and happy x