What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

She’s enabled him with her ignorance.

Do everyone a favour and walk away, the best you can do in this situation is learn from their mistakes and be a better parent than you experienced. Please don’t allow your children to become victims for the sake of you wanting a relationship with them.

Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine. As an adult any contact I had with my parents was upsetting and draining. When I had children I realized I didn’t have the energy for them. I have no contact with my father but I send the odd text to my mother with photographs of the children and little else.
My advice to you is this, you have one job to do, bring up your own children. Your parents are damaged and not your responsibility. Do whatever you need to do to minimize their toxicity in your life. Most importantly, feel no guilt. You won’t change your parents, they likely have no insight into their own behaviour and none of their corrosive actions are your fault or your responsibility. Look after yourself and take whatever action best suits you.

This is becoming more obvious to me as I type. I have been sacrificed, this was her choice and continues to be her choice and he can do anything he likes to any of us, and she will never stop him.

This made me so sad to read. Sending you lots of love @Hummingbird75 . You never deserved any of this and I hope and pray for peace for you.

I am so sorry you had two shit parents. It’s not your fault.
My mum used to say ‘I’ve stopped the rot’. She had her issues from her own terrible childhood and did her best. Died young from alcohol abuse but at least she tried.
You sound lovely OP. Your own children are just luckier than you were. You should be proud and you owe your parents nothing.

I can’t advise anything. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and clearly have been for many, many years.

I have only massive respect for you - you’ve protected your children. You have (mostly) protected yourself.
Flowers too 💐 but mostly respect xx

Could your mum be trying to manipulate you to get you to change your mind, and for her to have her ‘happy family’? Broadcasting the msg to you and messing with your emotions, rather than engaging in two way communication (she ignores your requests/doesn’t call). Sounds like emotional blackmail, poss encouraged by/learned through the dysfunctional relationship (and communication style too?) she has with your father.

I'm so sorry OP. Your mother has enabled your abuser. In fact, she has chosen your abuser over you. No mother should ever do that. She is equally as awful as your father, just in a different way. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

To answer your question, why is she doing what she's doing? In my humble opinion, it's self serving, insincere. She's trying to keep you on her "side". She's trying to save face. I think I'd be NC with both of them if I were in your shoes.

I would go no contact with my mother if she was like this. The fact she never protected you or your children says it all. She doesn’t deserve you

I too was determined it would stop with me, and I cut off contact. But I do get why OP is finding it hard. It's beyond rational.
I cannot tidy up or throw out, and one day it came to me why: as long as the piles of books stay there, my good mother may be hidden behind them, and after all these years I may yet find her. And now I'm crying...

This.
You have been very brave in facing up to the abuse from both parents well done . Cutting the apron strings will in the end be liberating as you will no longer be in the grip of this abuse and can start value yourself more. You do not need this birth family you have built another life for yourself. Do go back to therapy and start to live your abuse free life.

I really hope OP you find some peace. My mother was horribly abused by her mother and stepfather. When we were little she tried to have a relationship with her mother, but her mother wouldn't agree to not allowing our step father to see us. My mother took the decision like you to protect her children and go completely nc and I am immensely proud of her that she did this as will your children be of you.

OP, I am no contact with my Mother. I had a genuine moment of clarity when I was mid-20's.

I realised: I could not shed another tear for this woman as it was only hurting me, not her
And- she was never going to be the Mum I wanted. She just didn't have the capacity.

I had to stop going back because it was always the same outcome- pain.

I needed to live my life without her. I 'grieved' for about 6 months- and then that was it. I don't think about her from one end of the week to the other.

I wish you the best OP, it's a hard decision, and only one you can make.

I suggest you get some therapy to properly explore what happened to you in your family. What you are dealing with is huge.

You might also want to read up on narcissistic parents as I think this will resonate with you. Often one parent is narcissistic but the partner goes along with it for their own reasons.

My mother was the culprit but my dad did nothing and seems to believe that she was the perfect mum. Hm. My brother and I just say nothing but really?!! She would sulk for weeks on end and not speak to any of us and we mostly had no idea why.

It's hard having tricky parents. Sending you hugs.

And- she was never going to be the Mum I wanted. She just didn't have the capacity.
I had to stop going back because it was always the same outcome- pain.

What a powerful statement. I'm so sorry this happened to you but glad that you realised how a relationship like this can't be sustained without causing huge damage @FofB

@Hummingbird75 Please read the above and I hope it resonates with you. It's not something you can rush but the fact that you have posted here signifies that you don't want things to stay as they are and cause this ongoing distress.

OP I have no real advice, just want to reach out and hug you. I have a similar situation to yours, though less extreme. I’m so so sorry for what you’ve been through. And I’m even more sorry for you having to discover who your mother truly is. I know I wasn’t ok for a long long time after I worked that out.

Take it from someone who can resonate with so much of what you are experiencing, you’ve done a bloody amazing job choosing to protect your children. I know it really hurts that the cost of this is your relationship with your mum, but look forwards now not back, and keep choosing to make your dds lives safe and loving in a way you never had, and in doing so you will hopefully heal some of your wounds too.

I read once that no matter how much damage our parents have done towards us, we will always forgive them and seek their love.

She is being abused and coerced.
She is the primary victim, she can't contact you and love you the way you want.
Those messages are all the rebellion she can muster. She is a prisoner in her mind.
She will come back to you when he is dead.
I hope you will be able to forgive her and heal together when this happens.

No, the child is the primary victim. The mother didn’t protect her own child, at all, and is still prioritising the abuser.

Primary victim? I think 'collaborator' is more appropriate. As an adult she had, and continues, to have a choice. A child does not have that choice.

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I did read all of your updates.

Reading it made me really angry.

I could start to imagine what you feel like and glad you have seen a therapist and are going to see another again. It sound like these threads are helping you as well.

No need to answer if you don’t want, byt is the father of your children with you? If so do you get any family support from that side?

I haven’t experienced anything like you but I have pretty much the opposite relationship with my mother in that I just don’t want to have anything to do with her. Once she dies I expect I will feel some sadness but I don’t expect anything from her and equally don’t give anything. I don’t fully understand myself why I feel that way apart from that she didn’t like our father (he was never abusive towards us and there was no physical abuse towards her either, maybe some people would say now that he was controlling, though). But she never split up from him even though she clearly disliked him and instead was training us to not like him or his family. She would make up names for him same for his family and make us use them for example. They were both very young when they got together. I moved very far away and basically keep very low contact never talking about anything important or personal with then as I just have zero respect for my mother, maybe a tiny bit of respect for my father. I can imagine ever situation where I would sit down with them and talk about the things and work through them.

Thank you for all of your support and posts, I have read every single one, some more than once and feel the warmth radiating and I am taking some comfort in that.

I think I realised in the night, that having to live with quite frankly a terrifying and violent, unpredictable man that openly hated me/us as a tiny defenceless child meant I may not survive my childhood at all without my mother, she was lifted onto a golden pedestal at a very young age, not because she was a brilliant parent but because she did not abuse and terrify me in the same way, she was the only one standing in the way between me and that monster. Or at least that is how it felt.

Had my father been a gentle and loving parent that I could trust, I think I would have spotted my mother's manipulative and unkind ways much sooner than I did, and certainly distanced well before now. As things stood, she was all I had. I had to get through my childhood somehow.

Both of my parents (and other people) would say on a loop how lucky I was to have her, she was the best mother ever and I could wish for no more. How she managed to stay for us. It was a brainwashing exercise that spanned my childhood, and I never questioned it. She was a saint and a victim of my cruel father as far as I was concerned. It was also the case that comparatively speaking I didn't fear for my life around her at least. She might have been thoroughly toxic, but she didn't hit me as often as he did, or totally lose her self control. My father would be spitting and drooling with pure rage and anger. To a toddler/young child it was all I could do not to wet myself around him, I remember trying to hold on and knowing if I did he would literally kill me.

Now looking back I can see she was not a saintly mother, but a self interested, self absorbed person that did everything mainly for herself. Or to be seen as this wonderful mother. None of it was real. I can see that now. As an adult I can not consider her as a good or even an adequate mother, even at her best. It hurts me to say that. None of us are perfect, and we all struggle with parenting, but she didn't even manage the basics of protecting her own children from harm. She no doubt had her own issues, but genuinely her decision not to protect us was mainly self interest looking back. Her needs were always more important than us, and they still are to this day.

I am reading 'You are not the problem", what an incredible book! Thank you for the recommendation. I can't put it down.

And to the pp who said about 'primary' victim. A child is always the primary victim, they have no ability to walk away or to protect themselves, an adult always has that option.. even if they choose not to take it.

I wonder if the messages are a way to keep me on side, so when my father does finally depart this dimension, she has her plan B in place. She isn't putting too much effort in, she doesn't need to, the emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping will do the job for her. When the times comes, and she will fall to pieces, and stop eating and sleeping and spectacularly and publicly fall apart, knowing we will all fall into line to 'save her'. I know what is coming.

I think she is simply trying to absolve herself of her own guilt and choices.
She knows she has chosen him but wants to kid herself that she hasn’t done wrong by you and these messages are a crutch she can use to justify it in her mind.
“I’m not a bad mum as I send her messages everyday telling her I love her”.
Unfortunately, it is action, not words that you need.
Sorry you are going through this.

Very insightful update OP, the book sounds like it's really helping.
I'm glad you are seeing things clearly now and you can put in place the plan for when the inevitable happens with you mum

I think you are incredibly perceptive. I’m sure your mother thinks you will step in and become her carer or otherwise look after her once your father dies. Do not accept this role.

You know, it is always the scapegoat child that ends up in the thankless carer role when the abusive parent is old and needs care. The golden child and others don’t step up, the abuse continues.

Be very mindful of this. I am sure the messages are intended to line you up for the future. Remember that your duty is to your children, not to an abusive parent. She would happily take your time and care from your children who actually need you.

I completely understand an adult child who has had a wonderful or even good enough parent wanting to care for that elderly parent. But funnily enough, those kinds of parents aren’t often the ones who expect it.

wishing you all the very best @Hummingbird75

I haven’t read the whole thread but I needed to stop and comment because I was seeing a lot of messages suggesting your mother is abused/innocent and I had to say something. I don’t believe this is true. I really relate to your situation and it took me years and much therapy to realise how much of a problem my mother is. She is a covert narcissist who enabled my father’s behaviour. It could be worth you reading up about narcissism too.

The messages your mother sends you are familiar to me too. My mother doesn’t know how to have a normal relationship - her attempts are a facsimile. She knows, because she lives in the world, what ‘normal’ relationships are meant to look like, but she has no understanding of how to make genuine connection. I’ve had plenty or situations where, on the one hand, she is clearly being manipulative, abusive, and hideous, but then she will send me a stock meme/gif/copy and paste of something sickly sweet about the connection of mothers and daughters. We have no genuine connection. And this isn’t her attempt to gain one - it’s her shallow ‘understanding’ of how relationships work. She is incapable of accepting who I am as a person, my autonomy, or my choices in life. She refused to protect me from my father and she chose to act like she was the victim, with a lot of parentification thrown in for good measure.

You’re not mad, OP, you have an abusive family dynamic. Your instincts to protect your children are correct and that’s where your focus should lie.