What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

I just read this and want to echo that. I fully appreciate that there are women that are victims of domestic situations, no question about that.

But that doesn’t give one a free out of jail card.

Those victims once they cross the line to be a perpetrator automatically lose any defense. Your mother may be a victim but it was her responsibility to protect her children and to try to seek out help. That’s all on her. Not you. Her. You didn’t ask to be born. It is not your responsibility to empathise with her and feel sorry for her. If she was reaching out to someone that are not her children (ideally a professional) and wanted to face her demons that’s different. She deserves some sympathy and help from there but not from you. You owe her nothing, zero, null. Literally nothing.

Look at it this way, it is your responsibility OP to protect your children. You are a victim of your upbringing. However it is your responsibility to protect your children. I don’t know how old your DC’s are but imagine they become teenagers if not already and become a bit difficult. Maybe they make choices you don’t approve of. Maybe they start blaming you for not being 100% there for them because you were consumed by the issues from your childhood. Maybe you will start feeling that they had nice life, they had it easy, they ought to understand you more and see your point of view.

The above is not meant to be harsh. But as some people said you need to be ok to be ok for your children. Forget about your mother. I get some random messages from mine similar to what the poster said above. I find them annoying, bewildering and never respond to them or address them - because I don’t understand them, don’t see the point and they are unwanted. I think someone else said imagine it was stranger, you wouldn’t tolerate any unwanted behaviour. Even less so is unwanted behaviour acceptable from one’s own mother.

You know, it is always the scapegoat child that ends up in the thankless carer role when the abusive parent is old and needs care. The golden child and others don’t step up, the abuse continues.

This is very much the case with my mum and gran. She never escaped and became the carer.

The “primary victim” stuff is bollocks. My gran was a narcissist well before she met her abusive husband. Then she enabled, covered up and made it all about her. My mum was the scapegoat.

As one generation further on, the one thing I wish my mum would do is have some therapy. She is still trapped by the abuse even though both her abusers are dead now. But the cycle of abuse has ended. As her child I am free from it.

Cut them both off !How she feels or doesn’t is immaterial it is you that is being hurt and your own family. As for your father, sad excuse for a human being. People gloss over things as they get old and pretend things were different and invent a better version that is what Mum is doing. Mine did the same and I hid my feelings for years she used to hit us break our toys over small incidents she was vicious when in a rage. When I lived with her for a while I realised she didn’t really like me despite her hugs and my darling daughter comments. Sadly I let her have the truth and put her right about what really happened in the past which made me feel really bad. You don’t need them don’t feel bad protect your future and leave the past and them behind. Block your phone delete them and move forward don’t go back

I would just sent the odd text and then be more in contact when he passes away.

My recommendation is that you move a long way away, so that when your mother is frail, you are simply not available geographically. Other posters are right, it's always the scapegoats who are expected to step up. Stand your ground and refuse to do anything, except that which you're comfortable with on your own terms.

Your missing the fact that your mother allowed your father to be abusive towards her children. She has always put her husbands needs before her children and is continuing to do so.
You mention your feelings towards your father because of his behaviour yet you ignore your mothers behaviour in all of this.
Personally I would cut all contact with both of them. They have both let their children down as parents and continue to do so towards their grandchildren.
Protect your own children from these awful people.

This ^^
Save yourself and your children from further damage, block them, set yourself free.
Your mum had a choice she chose to allow your pig of a father to abuse you, she is his enabler.
I am the adult child of violent mother, both parents were alcoholics. Best thing I ever did was go no contact.

@Hummingbird75 do not let her line you up to look after her. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks (if family spouts lies etc), you know the truth, your conscience is clear and you don’t have to entertain this toxic stuff following you down the generations, at least on your side. You have made massive steps already.

she was the only one standing in the way between me and that monster. Or at least that is how it felt.

I think you know this but really the above should read she was the only one standing in the way OF ME BEING SAFE FROM that monster

She might have been thoroughly toxic, but she didn't hit me as often as he did, or totally lose her self control

also I think you know this as well but the fact that you have to say that her beatings and temper were not as bad as those of your father just screams again don’t bother with her. She is not a person you should be putting any of your energy into. Make your piece with the fact that your childhood was utter shit but you are still here and have your own DC’s that you are trying to protect. What doesn’t kill you (even though almost did) makes you stronger. But you need to take control and set yourself free from the shackles of your mother.

Totally agree with this. Your mother's only priority is herself, she will expect you to take over doing/paying for everything when your dad dies 'to the moon and back' she will expect you to sacrifice yourself again because she was such a good mother. Only her needs matter to her.

I have 2 adopted daughters and neither of them wants anything to do with their birth parents. They are both mid 20s now and will not budge. This is not my doing. Maybe some behaviour can't be forgiven.

OP, Imagine you are your daughter's fairy godmother (instead of her mother). Imagine your parents are actually your"god child's" parents. Your god child grows up craving her parents' love but not receiving it. Imagine she is now an adult and still desperately wanting her mother's affection, although she managed to break free from her dad. You watch the mother text daily with the same sentence and you watch your Godchild and all the pain it is causing her. You see the Godchild with her children and the parents. You see everything but you can only soak to the God child. With all the love you have for your Godchild what do you feel she should do in order to become truly happy?
Could you write a letter from the fairy Godmother to the child with everything you want to tell her and when you finish it swap back to the child and read what your fairy godmother has said.

I think she's weak but loves you very much. She doesn't have to send you those messages, she does it because she does love you so much.

OP I feel you need to grieve the parents you always wanted/deserved. As they are not here.
Sorry if this is harsh however, it would actually be easier if your parents were deceased as then you could move on. Honestly the best thing is to block and move on. You were physically and emotionally abused. You owe them nothing. You know who you can count on - your DH and DD’s.
Actions have consequences, they do not get to abuse you and still have you in their life.
Your DD’s deserve to have the whole of you.

Dear OP, an abused wife on a coercive control relationship has no choice. Can't see any options, can see a light at the end of the tunnel, Can't see the hand extended for help...
So many women don't report their men to the police, many report just to retract it later and many go back to the abuser even after a prosecution .
This is coercive control, a form of madness to any sane person looking from the outside but a super secure prison for the one inside

I have an unfortunate update.

My last message to her said that I can't get over what Dad has done to me, that she still gets up each day and pretends nothing awful has happened, and that the on going abuse in our family is too distressing to deal with. She then predictably went completely silent on me for a while.

At that point I archived her WA messages expecting to leave it at that, she has form for not speaking to me for months for having the audacity to be be hurt and talk about it, however gently. I felt it would explain to her why I am taking some space rather than just blocking and ignoring her. But the WA still alerted me to her responses for some reason, and it has just come through.

She has since come roaring back so aggressively that I am the one that is being abusive (I know I am not, I am just saying I am hurt) I can see she is gas lighting and deflecting again. I am apparently hurting her feelings (by telling the truth) and she has spun the whole thing around. Just like that. I am not allowed to say I am hurt. I am not allowed to say I find it distressing to be part of this.

I am never ever allowed to have any of my own feelings. I think this is what I need to work on. She just always deflects and closes it down.

I am never allowed to feel sad, upset and hurt. She just shuts it down and says it is not nice for her to listen to it.

It is the sheer injustice and unfairness of it that gets to me.

I also aware she is playing on these feelings and probably reeling me back in. That every time I say I am hurt she is reminded of her part in this.

I don't know why it has to be this way, why we can't just be a happy family and love each other.

I do need to let her go. This is causing nothing but anguish, and is not helping anyone.

Your right she doesn't have to send those particular messages, she knows they hurt me, and she continues to do so. Do you not think if she loved me very much she would actually call me, visit me every now and then? Show some interest in me as a person? And would respect my wishes if I say something hurts and upsets me rather than carrying on anyway?

What has she done that makes you think she 'loves' me very much? 😞

I am so sorry I didn't mean to upset you even more. I'm sure you must have, but have you replied to a message of hers saying "why should I believe this if you never see me or pick up the phone?"

If she's truly terrified of your father and too frightened to leave, this could be her way of ensuring you to know she loves you. Although it's not working ie doesn't make you feel loved, It sounds like it's important to her that you know. Perhaps being so terrified all she can do.

Something in this post you wrote @Hummingbird75 just jumped out of the screen to me "that will mean I have failed her and never 'saved' her from him, there will be no happy ending."
You will have the happy ending.
The happy ending is that you will break the cycle and you will protect your children and the abusive cycle will not continue.
It might not be the ending that you want but it is a happy ending nonetheless.

Oh OP I'm truly sorry, but I really do believe it's time to stop banging your head against the wall.

There's no love from her. Just her self-absorbsion. She needs her delusion of herself as a good mother far far more than she cares about YOU.

I'm afraid I don't think she is any kind of victim in this.

I have said this to my mother on the phone, and asked her directly to please call me or visit us one day. She always agrees and then never does it. She calls everyone else but me, so I don't think it is him at all in this respect. It feels like a power play to me that she simply chooses not to. I have to do the running, as is my job in life as far as she is concerned.

She is not terrified of my father and has a lot of influence over him, and always has done. Not to the point that she can change fundamentally who he is, but enough to get all of her needs met. He does all of the cooking, cleaning and housework. She hasn't done anything for the last ten years or so. She is not helpless, and has close family and siblings that live within a short walk and plenty of support.

The copy and paste daily message seems to work to calm her conscience perhaps, to reassure her she isn't a bad mother, or to keep some contact just in case she needs us. Either way it is serving her needs not mine, as they only make me feel more sad and more alone when I read them.

I'm after reading your last update @Hummingbird75 and you have to (for your own mental well-being as well as for that of your family - your kids particularly) walk away.
Mute or block her completely.
You can decide in time to remove that block or to unmute her but you cannot continue as you are.
Your parents, particularly your mother, well, they are treating you like something to be played with, toyed with at the end of a fishing line. Not yet ready to land their catch they let you have a little bit of what you think is freedom but it isn't really because you're still at the end of the fishing line.
Time to cut that line and be free.

You talk about how when you stand up for yourself your mother gives you the silent treatment. You should see that as the way that you want things to be - her quietly going about her business and not annoying or interfering with you. The silent treatment is the way forwards. When she realises that you're not playing ball with her, she antagonises you again and you react. Time to give her the silent treatment.

You could send one final message saying "Mum - I no longer think our relationship is healthy for anyone, so I'm doing the respectable thing here and walking away. If you can in time realise that I wasn't trying to hurt you and I was looking for you to love me, then perhaps you can reach out to me. Until then, this is going to be the last communication between us both. Dad was abusive to me and is abusive to you. It's such a pity that you can't or refuse to see this. Anyway, I wish you all the best - your daughter @Hummingbird75 "

Then block her for the short to medium term at the very least.
Block her number for a week then another week and another and another and before you know it, she hasn't been in touch for almost a month. Then restart the clock and block her again, just one more week and keep doing it in small chunks. You can change your mind any time you really feel like it but after having a month or two without her toying with you, you might prefer the silence. Just a suggestion mind you.

@Hummingbird75 I agree with this, it’s worded better than my efforts - you can break the cycle, and it starts by blocking that number.

Oh thank you for this, I have never looked at it this way before!

Maybe the happy ending is that I have managed to live a mostly happy adult life in spite of it all, and have many people around me that are very important to me.

The 'happy ending' is that my children will go on to have carefree, happy relationships and I might be blessed and be a granny one day with little children running around, and know I played my part in keeping them safe and away from the abuse cycle. By keeping my darling dds safe now, I am future proofing their relationships, and setting a good example of what healthy relationships are. They are independent, have good self esteem and can spot my mother's manipulative ways in an instant.

Yes, I will look at in this way going forward. My happy ending is already here, and my job now is to keep it that way and not allow the shadow of my past ruin the present and the future.

My mum expected me to look after her emotionally. I was never allowed to be upset even if I was ill and she would turn everything round to be about her. I never pulled her up on it because I know she would have refused to accept it. So I think you have been incredibly brave here. You are also getting a lot more information! I would leave her for the time being while you process things x