Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

I would be very wary of doing anything drastic on the basis of advice from Mumsnet OP, only you know your husband, don’t rush into anything, you could end up ruining your marriage over nothing!

Yeah it would be different if we never had each other's passcodes but he was always fine with me having it.
He changed it and told me he hadn't. That's the weird bit.

He also said he wiped his history because he didn't want me to keep going through everything trying to find things that were nothing and causing fights..which is also understandable. I wouldn't really want someone to keep looking at my Google history I guess even though nothing is dodgy. But I wouldn't know what there was...

It's the sketchy behaviour and the weird lies that bother me most

Aside from this OP, are you happy in the marriage?

I always was-this has come along with the weird behaviour ect.

He's being normal now and keeps saying about needing reassurance ect...I belive it's me who needs reassurance.

But he shouldn't get to be distant and argumentative when he chooses and then decide to be loving towards me whenever he decides.

And I'm supposed to just accept that?

So I don't know really

So his working In the Middle East and his googling I Love you in Arabic. Not exactly rocket science is it !!!!!! Come on

Well no, he's not in the middle east
And no...it's not rocket science.
It's my marriage and my life and my husband who I've always trusted completely. And I have no actual evidence of anything. Just this random thing.

So it isn't an easy thing to figure out

Hence why I posted about it. If it was clear cut, I would have my answer and wouldn't need to.

But that's all I've found

OP I don't know if your DH is having an affair although evidence would point towards him doing something that goes against the commitment of your relationship. I will say only this: If I found that on DHs phone, he would be bending over backwards to reassure me, but also, I wouldn't be worried because my gut is settled and there has been no sketchy or changed behaviour.

So even though it's all you have got - you have to take your gut instinct very much into account, because unfortunately, it rarely lies. It's easy for him to minimise the text and come up with a million excuses, but if his words and behaviour are not reassuring you, then he is not going far enough in his efforts to reassure you - why? The stupid lie about not speaking arabic where he has been working would be a massive red flag for me. It's careless and, I think, quite damning.

I'm sorry OP - it's shit. The uncertainty is so hard. I hope you get the answers you need

I think if I was in the habit of randomly kissing a woman, smacking her bum, sending messages saying I love you & looking up gorgeous especially it was reciprocated my DH would have a few questions to ask me. I find all of this very peculiar to say the least.

He hasn't kissed any women, smacked their bums or anything like it?!
I was talking about the guys from his work, just to explain why saying I love you inst completely absurd because they are funny with each other.
No women where he works...these are just lads being silly basically and it hasn't got anything to do with this issue.

My only issue is the I love you, not being able to show me the message and the weird code thing on his phone

I see what your saying OP but it was me as a woman referring to me behaving like that with another woman. Banter it may be but it would give me the ick if my DH was smaking a mans bum etc & writing messages like this even in jest but to be fair each to their own behaviour, just saying how I'd feel.

Where did he go?

Oh I see.
Yeah fair enough. Like I said my husband doesn't really do this stuff, I was just saying I know what they can be like and it wouldn't be absolutely impossible.

Yeah. I'm a bloke. My phone and emails are not on security lock down to hide them from my wife. If he's secretive, there's something he doesn't want to see.

Yeah exactly.
And the fact they've never ever been before. I've always known his codes until he came back.
And lying about changing it is so sketchy.

I really wish you all the best OP although given this situation You are well within your rights to question it. A strong marriage would stand up to a partners scrutiny if there was any cause whatsoever to doubt their behaviour.

What does everyone think I should do?
I know it's my decision ultimately but I'm struggling.
Should I try and ask him again about it all? Like why the message wasn't there, why he lied about the arabic thing and the code thing?
I imagine he'll just lie again though..and then I guess the relationship is doomed really.
I can try getting on his phone but I honestly think he'd wipe everything if there was anything anyway, he knows I was suspicious before.

Thank you for this.
You said it perfectly and you're absolutely right.
He made a point of showing me his WhatsApps a few days later, like showing who he had messages from. But honestly..Days later, wouldn't he have just given me his phone straight away and show me there's nothing.
He did hand it over when I asked him but he put the code in and I imagine he'd cleared it if there was something..this wasn't straight away when I found the Google search thing anyway...so loads of time to clear stuff.

I hate this. I always trusted him completely and it's just all gone

I can try getting on his phone but I honestly think he'd wipe everything if there was anything anyway, he knows I was suspicious before.

Then you would know. If something is going on, you're never going to get the truth, and if nothing is going on, you're never going to believe the truth because you don't trust him. That's what it comes down to. But this is just a symptom of a troubled relationship. You need to focus on your relationship as a whole. I would suggest couples counselling but I don't know if that would work with his work pattern.

I think everyone agrees most people only become involved with replies if the OP has hit a raw nerve when describing the situation. This one did with me so I was compelled to say how I'd feel. The main thing is people only want what's best for someone in distress within their relationship. I'd lay my cards on the table and say I'm not settling until I can trust your telling me the truth & here are the reasons I'm upset & worried about your latest behaviour.

This is true.
It's really hard because I love him still but how can it work when I'm feeling this way now.
Now whenever he goes away I'll probably be suspicious because I never got an answer.
All he had to do was show me that message and he couldn't because it didn't exist.
So now I'll never know
I can ask to see the conversation from that day. To see if they were even speaking to each other otherwise saying I love you out of nowhere, say if they haven't spoken in weeks, would be absolutely ridiculous.
I don't feel I can even ask anymore really. Like I said I couldn't even look when he gave me his phone. I feel guilty about looking and asking...but he hasn't reasurrred me in any way so I'm sure he'd feel the same as me if it was reveresd.

If you’re at the point of snooping on his iPad, the trust has gone anyway. The relationship is over.

Yeah I might try saying something like that. See how he reacts.

I know what you're saying but it's not that easy to just walk away when we've been together so long, have kids ect.
Because if I never found anything and he can reassure me somehow I wouldn't need to again hopefully.
I don't know, maybe I wont get the trust back and we'll break up.
But just having a look on his iPad isn't really enough for me to just end it straight away

"We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons.*

I'm not sure if you answered why.

I'm also wondering what's going on with someone who was totally off with you when he returned, and who was hefting some very serious criticisms your way (as a wife etc) and denigrating the marriage

..... but who's now not off anymore and apparently all that is now ok and no longer worth airing.
What on earth is that about? That's not behaviour that should be rug swept.

Totally aside from the question mark over the dodgy searches.

He's blaming you for the disagreements you were having whilst he was away, and that's why he thought he was 'losing you'.

So if it turns out that he has been playing away, he has a ready excuse for it, doesn't he? He thought the relationship was over, so it's not his fault, it's yours.