Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons.

What were the reasons?

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons.

What were the reasons?

I've pm'd you

Thank you.

It occured to me that he could only be claiming that "Chris" speaks Arabic as a second language; you probably don't really have any way of verifying that.

(And forces men are known for having each other's backs so "Chris" may just lie if asked anyway).

Even if he really does speak Arabic, that could just be why your h chose him, rather than anyone else, as the recipient of this homoerotic bantery message that he "thought he sent but didn't".

I Google hundreds, f not thousands of irrelevant things... cross word clues, random trivia, things that pop into my head that I suddenly need to find an answer to... I wouldn't be worried about his search history so much as his general attitude/ phone secrecy and that he was defensive rather than curious or reassuring when you felt insecure

Exactly what I meant 🤦‍♀️

So, I agree that, absolutely; Arabic is the main language of that country.

It's the official language, but also the most commonly spoken language.

It's also likely to be the common second language that unites the small minorities whose first language is one of the other languages spoken there.

I would also say that that country is likely to have women who have a bit more "Western" level freedoms than eg the ME.
In fact the owner of a childcare facility near us is a woman from there who met and married a guy from our region.
And I think a female exercise instructor whose classes I attended years ago was from there, (and got into a relationship with a guy from his region, too).

I would also say that men from that country are kniwn, even among their country men & women, for trying to use relationships to get residence in developed democracies. So it's not impossible that a European would be an attractive partner prospect for some women there too.

I know he has a friend who speaks arabic-hes mentioned it before, years ago aswell so thats true, but yes as you say he would have popped into his head straight away..

He came home telling me I've not been a good wife for years, I've paid him no attention, I don't care about him.

Woah! I wasn't going to reply after you said he was in the forces (I have an extremely dim view of men who are attracted to that lifestyle and imo it's a certain type of man, I have no respect for them at all and would walk right out on a date there and then if they told me they were in the military) but gee wizz what a gaslighting pos. You've been raising his family while he's been off feeding his ego with weapons and you're the one who isn't the good spouse? Fuck me if I wouldn't feel like throwing something at his face then and there and I am not a violent person, what a nasty pos he is! I'd leave him for that alone. You gave up stability for you and your children so he could play macho man and that's the thanks you get for it? I bet he truly thinks he's a prize of a man and can do no wrong. His behaviour is very extreme to go from 0 to 500,000 over a simple argument. Who thinks their spouse will leave them over a simple argument? That is really extreme. Nothing he says makes sense. I think he's a turd and you and your kids deserve better than him, even if it's innocent. And that's not to mention him having passcodes on his phone, why the f does he need that for? Me and mine would never even think of using a passcode on our phones. We don't have anything to hide from each other. It wouldn't even enter our minds to do so. He's as dodgy as a 3 pound bill. I'd never look at him the same again, after all those years I gave up for him, and to have him throw it in my face like that? Nasty turd is really as nice as I can say about him. You and your kids deserve better than him. Pretty well confirms my view of military men though.

Yeah, he's the obvious substitute.

And I'm wondering why your h is so determined to gas-light you that people don't commonly speak Arabic in that country.

What does.your gut tell you?

He came home telling me I've not been a good wife for years, I've paid him no attention, I don't care about him

It is absolutely, the married cheater script.

And what is more likely; that your h who was not prone to homo erotic banter & horseplay; looked up how to say I love you in Arabic so he could put it in a message to a male friend, but somehow ended up not writing that message.

And that he also looked up a definition for "gorgeous", even though he's an English speaker who knows what gorgeous means.

And that's he's inexplicably lying about Arabic not being the local language there

...... Or that he looked up I love you in Arabic to say or write it to a new love interest there, whose first language is Arabic, and looked up a definition of gorgeous to explain/send it to the same love interest (whose first language is not English).

Combined with the classic conflict, history rewrite, attacks on your character, "depression" etc. And the new access prevention measures on his phone.

I know what I'd be putting my money on.

Sorry to say it, but forces men are also notorious for infidelity while away from home.

YABU.

Ex army wife here 🖐I was living your life a couple of decades ago, and it's not easy! I don't know if your dh has been unfaithful but I do think that the military aspect is quite important here. I will never cease to be amazed at the unique way squaddies communicate with each other. The message saying I love you in arabic to a friend who's also in the military would not surprise me at all.
I also know that when my dh was away on tour, he was incredibly sensitive to anything I said. He wasn't like this at all when he was at home, always happy and confident, but when he was away he was totally different. I learned to keep certain things to myself until he got back! My dh left the army after a few years thank goodness, and we're still going strong. You need to be absolutely rock solid to survive deployment. I hope you get to the bottom of it all, best of luck.

That he started something out there and I reckon it's stopped now but not 100% sure..just judging by his behaviour.

Something going on

A Lebanese friend always says my love to friends (and I've now been googling a bunch of these terms due to this thread) and a lot of people here say 'my love' to people they have never met. Also when a group of friends were there we were talking to locals and sharing jokes, and googled all sorts of things. If you are living or staying in another country normal to Google many translations (even if you are working in a British workplace such as forces, you'd meet local people who don't speak English).
I'm wary that these things really could have completely different explanations. Also I often don't remember if a message was by text, email, WhatsApp, messenger or Instagram..

"Why go to all the trouble of goggling how to say it..then thinking youve sent it. But never did. Makes no sense. "

No. It doesn't make any sense.

What would make sense?

It's usually the most straightforward thing.

Yeah I mean it could be nothing. But it seems very unlikely.
But that's why I really need something else.

This is awful @Picklingpickles. This has absolutely nothing to do with his friend Chris or any other friend so don't let that detail distract you. It's a shit excuse from your husband.

I've lived in the Middle East and speak a little Arabic so feel free to PM me if you like and I can confirm for you how much is spoke in that country. It's quite an odd thing to Google as Arabic is a phonetic language and once you know the script the that's how you'd communicate. Sounds to me like it's something he wants to say to someone.

I also think he has gaslit you into believing/him creating a relationship that is on its last legs which is very bloody convenient if he is cheating. And unfortunately given the increased privacy on his devices, his shoddy treatment of you and his shite excuse, then I don't believe he is innocent unfortunately.

Could he have met someone before he left for work? And was communicating with them online while he was away? I'm not entirely sure how you're going to get answers really but the Chris thing is a red herring which I would resolutely ignore.

Just to follow up this, having watched a YouTube video on languages in that country.

I think your h is trying to be pedantic - because apparently while people in that country may speak Arabic, French, English, other minority languages etc. They commonly speak a language that is a combination of Arabic, French, English, Lingua Franca etc.

But ateotd, even that local language includes Arabic. And most would speak standardised Arabic, and Arabic is the official language there.

It's still perfectly feasible that he'd look up Arabic to say/message a phrase to a local.

how to say I love you in arabic"

Not the same as a casual, affectionate "my love" though, is it.

Yeah he told me loads of times how they all speak other languages but not arabic.
Specifically told me that before I'd asked about the I love you thing..

Why would you assume the woman lives in the country he was working in rather than in this country? He could well be working alongside an Arabic speaking female in this country, especially being in the Forces and having deployment in an Arabic speaking country. There must be many Arabic speaking female soldiers and translators in the Forces.

Also I often don't remember if a message was by text, email, WhatsApp, messenger or Instagram.

But there probably only are about 5 platforms the message could be on for most people ....and one would think you'd be motivated to look through them all and find it - if your spouse was suspecting infidelity.

I mean, I'd do that quickly to find something funny, or something that was useful for somebody: let alone if my fidelity in my marriage was under suspicion.

Also, he didn't say "oh I thought I emailed that but I must have sent it on another platform, I'll look", he just said "Oh, I thought I emailed that but mustn't have". End of story.

So it's not a case of getting mixed up between communication platforms.