Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

I would ask him. Literally on the spot when he's sat in front of you so he can't avoid you. Explain you think he is.

What did he actually do to betray your trust? Struggle with the relationship and being away from home? It seems really unfair to him that you decided to snoop. The fact you did says to me the relationship is over. I actually feel sorry for him.

No, read my posts?

I have. You fell out, argued a bit, felt he was distant and invaded his privacy as a solution. And freely admitted you’d carry on if you had the passcodes. I’m with@KrisAkabusi There is no trust, it’s already over.

You clearly haven't. He abused her, insulted her, and lied to her. Along with changing his passcodes (which married couples should have, anyway). She didn't snoop at all, and even if she did, he's her husband so there shouldn't be any such thing as snooping. No one could read her posts and arrive at the position that she's at at fault.

Unless you're the husband.

This is such a strange response.
if she is having feelings of insecurity - in a marriage we can all go through bouts of that -then he should be able to reassure her, not be annoyed at her. or even if he was annoyed at the breakdown in trust, and maybe it’s all in her head , still reassure her first and then speak about his annoyance afterwards. It’s unkind to make someone feel insecure and mistrusting and then have a go at them for being suspicious. That’s gaslighting.
You should have access to a partners phone and if there was nothing to hide no one would care. Simple.

He’s lying. No guy does that to his friend. Don’t let him gaslight you - the fact you’ve posted on here shows that you think something is up.

That should be "which married couples shouldn't have, anyway"

I’m sorry, but I think you’re right to be suspicious. He could be having a midlife crisis, which goes hand in hand with an affair. Look up the Hero’s Spouse website for info and if you think it is MLC, a book called ‘The Shut Out Wife’ might also help.

It’s unkind to make someone feel insecure and mistrusting and then have a go at them for being suspicious. That’s gaslighting.

I wouldnt be having a go for being suspicious. I would be having a go for breaching my right to privacy and repeatedly going through my devices. Thats not gaslighting.

You should have access to a partners phone and if there was nothing to hide no one would care. Simple.

Not everybody thinks that. I'm sure the vast majority of people here are not having an affair but would be upset if their partner started snooping on them to try to find evidence of one. A phone is the modern equivalent of a diary which has always been considered private. It may contain details of a private medical appointment. It may have very personal messages from a friend that she wouldn't like someone else reading. It may simply have photos of you having bad hair day that you would be embarrassed for your husband to see. In any case it is considered private by most people. And the law incidentally. Getting access without permission is a crime.

Editing to add "If you've nothing to hide you'll show me" is the default of controlling partners everywhere.

So I spoke to him about it again.

The gorgeous thing..he said he googled it because he always stuggles spelling it.
I Said what for. He said well I've sent it to you loads and said it in other messages about things.
He searched his whatsapp and showed me that he had actually said it loads.

The I love you thing, he still stands by by the friend story. Says friend said something and he wad going to say it back but never sent it.
He then said he'd cleared the chat. I said why
He said we don't really speak much. Not sure why that means he needed to clear the chat. So I'm still feeling unsure about this one.

So when he'd wiped the iPad he said it was because he didn't want me to keep going through it having a go at him about random things he'd googled. This was a separate issue so I didn't mention it but I'd also found he'd searched for porn a few months back. He knows I absolutely hate it and consider it very disrespectful so I and a go at him for it.
He said he only did it because he was away and I wasn't talking to him (as in dirty talk or anything)

So he said he didn't want me having a go about things from ages ago. He didn't know what was on there..
My response was...you obviously have things you wouldn't want me to find then?
But then again I don't know what I've googled and wouldn't necessarily want him looking st every single thing. Although I know there is nothing that would make him think I'm up to something at all

I asked about the phone code.
He said my code is the same, look.. he typed it in and it was the same as it used to be. No facial recognition.

I told him the code was definitely different a few weeks ago. He said he had changed it because he was annoyed about the iPad thing. So he lied to me aswell and told me then it was the same.

This is true, like I said I might be embarrassed if he'd looked at every single thing I'd googled ect.
So he might just not want me to find something embarrassing or something they is nothing, like the gorgeous thing and make a massive deal.

Could equally be that he was/is up to something.

The thing that bothers me mostly is that he lied about the code thing
If it was me I'd say "I don't want you to look through my phone incase there's embarrassing searches ect".

To lie..then now change the code back to normal and be acting so loved up towards me after being so cold for a while.

It's very strange

I think if you logically look at your own statement that you wouldn’t like him googling your search history it says it all.
As a previous poster said a phone/ipad is a very personal thing, I wouldn’t want my OH checking my search history it’s extremely rude and invasive. We are all entitled to our own private thoughts and there is absolutely no need to share every single detail of our lives with our partners, we all need our own private space.
He has explained things, he has told you why he put a lock on his phone, it’s time to accept it and move on, if not you yourself will drive a wedge between you, not him.
Life isn’t always smooth running it has its ups and downs, so often on here marriages are torn apart over issues that could be resolved with a bit of adult thinking.

Could he have an Arabian gf?

I am glad that you have spoken again. Communication is key. Sounds like it was a calmer and more frank conversation.
blokes look at porn - not all of them but a lot do. It’s not your choice what someone else does. If he is away and he wants to look at it, there isn’t a lot you can do. they go away for extended periods, it cannot be easy.
I think the fact that you are finding it hard with him being away is an added pressure, there isn’t much he can do to be at home at it’s the nature of the job - it may be a bit frustrating for him knowing he can’t solve that problem. Dont forget when he is away he has no one, you have the kids, albeit hard work on your own.
I think you both need to talk not argue but talk and find some compromise to help you both feel fulfilled and most of all appreciated.

A sure fire way to know if someone is cheating (emotionally even if not physically) is when they start wiping everything and keep their phone on them 💯 of the time! Been there, seen it, got the t-shirt

Also, 2 people in our related circle recently were cheating and exact same behaviour is how their partner knew, the wiping and keeping hold of phone.

Normally, if you are anything like us, phones and stuff are left casually laying around here and there and all electronics are synced so anything can be seen on anything. So the moment that changes you know somethings afoot!!’

I totally disagree, my phone and iPad are password protected and I’m not having an affair. Everyone is entitled to private space, why should you know every thought and nuance of your parter, it’s suffocating and controlling. That reply is such a typical Mumsnet answer to everything, it’s immature and potentially harmful.
A much more sensible reply thankfully from @ZebraD

Yeah, his excuses reek of BS, OP. Sorry. The way to allay a suspicious wife's fears is just to hand over your phone/ipad, not wipe the bloody thing! I wouldn't hesitate to hand mine over to my DH because I have nothing to hide - apart from slagging him off occasionally on MN, but I wouldn't care if he read that either because it's nothing I haven't said to his face.

Just to jump in here, “if you’ve nothing to hide you’ll show me” is NOT the default of controlling partners at all..have you been in this position?
I just have and am now going through a divorce. Full disclosure was promised, full disclosure didn’t happen. Asking to be shown or go through the husband or partners phone is “Reassuring” the potentially betrayed partner that nothing is going on either in the past or now. If you have been with someone for donkeys years, you do know when something is wrong, your gut can tell you. If the wayward partner owns up and starts to work together on their marriage and rebuilding trust, all well and good, but to brush it off, under the carpet, lie and lie again, is not reassuring or wanting to either admit an affair or rebuild the partnership/marriage.
modern tech is not the equivalent to a diary, when you are looking for a specific thing, you don’t read anything else on that device, you are soley searching for the odd/strange and unknown .
if I hadn’t looked on my partners phone, I wouldn’t have found out what I did, but I was damn sure something was going on, for months and I was right.

And it’s not just gaslighting, it’s verging on narcissistic

*The gorgeous thing..he said he googled it because he always stuggles spelling it.
I Said what for. He said well I've sent it to you loads and said it in other messages about things.
He searched his whatsapp and showed me that he had actually said it loads.

The I love you thing, he still stands by by the friend story. Says friend said something and he wad going to say it back but never sent it.
He then said he'd cleared the chat. I said why
He said we don't really speak much. Not sure why that means he needed to clear the chat. I'm still feeling unsure about this one.*

Did he search a definition/meaning of gorgeous or how to spell it?

Because he didn't need a definition to get the correct spelling. He'd probably have searched "how to spell gorgeous" or"gorgeus spelling", (not "what's the definition of gorgeous" or "what does gorgeous mean"?)

He then said he'd cleared the chat. I said why
He said we don't really speak much. Not sure why that means he needed to clear the chat.

Yeah, that makes no sense whatsoever.

and be acting so loved up towards me after being so cold for a while.

He was critical and negative in the extreme about your marriage and - on a very personal basis - about your character.

How come that's all magically now fine?

So when he'd wiped the iPad he said it was because he didn't want me to keep going through it having a go at him about random things he'd googled.

Right.

It wasn't random things, it was "I love you" in a foreign language, and a definition of gorgeous, which no English speaker needs.

They are suspicious things - at all, but esp for someone working away from home, who is also being negative in the extreme about the relationship and about their spouse's character.

So they weren't random things. They were odd, suspicious things, and even more so in the context.

I'd like to see his reaction if he'd found searches like that from you when you were working away, and meanwhile you were slagging off the marriage and slagging off his character. He'd have zero suspicions whatsoever and be the king of chill, right. He wouldn't be "having a go" at you at all. Even the language of that is blaming you. As if he's a victim and you're being aggressive or combative.

He was rather ok with being combative when he was away and came back though, wasn't he. Calling you an awful wife etc.

I'm sorry, in general he sounds like a liar to me.

All the code changing and wiping, on top of everything else.

He said he just typed gorgeous into Google...it just comes up with the meaning.

I just don't know what to feel
Yes he can explain it buy I don't like the explanation about the I love you thing. It just doesn't prove or reassure me. I would have if that message existed.

And the whole changing his code, then changing it back ect.

I just don't know how to fully believe him and forget it. There's still doubt