Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

Well done. I imagine at this stage its scary in case you find out stuff you don't want to hear or the whole thing makes your thoughts worse. The horse has bolted now. It's time to be strong and get talking without showing anger as that gives the green light to retaliate with anger.

It was things like me talking about our future and what I wanted, which was different to him-like I was wanting to settle with the kids not keep moving with them, I was finding it all hard him being away so much and he told me I was making it hard for him and adding unnecessary stress when he was away.

He wants to take jobs for the money and I want him to be around more for me and the kids. He says I don't appreciate how hard he works, don't make him feel loved. From my side, I am burnout from always being with tiny children by myself. I've told him this is the reason. I'm too tied and he's never bloody around.

It wasn't actually proper fighting really, just me being a bit upset about the general situation and him not wanting to hear about it and just being annoyed at me

He eventually stopped speaking to me much and told me he asked me to stop talking about this stuff and apparently I didn't so he cut off a bit.

That was actually when I started getting a bit suspicious because he'd always ring when he could, say I love you and good morning ect and he just stopped all that, practically overnight.

When I asked him about it he said he had to stop speaking to me to just get through his deployment because I was stressing him out. Which I kind of understand aswell
But he didn't return to normal for weeks.

Only recently. Which, as you say, is very strange.

I have been so upset by him being so distant ect and suddenly he's all over me, asking if I love him still, messaging me he misses me from work ect. Like he used to.
But you're right. How can he just change so quickly and then change back. It's such a headfuck. He's never done anything like it before. He's always been the same, I always felt loved and secure until that happened.

He's been saying he's been feeling so depressed since but it doesn't explain it.

It's a weird limbo at the moment, where part of me really wants to find something obvious so I can just be really angry and get out and be done.
Because he's not reassuring me enough but I still love him and feel I don't have enough to end things.
So I feel really stuck

Your kids should be the biggest motivation to end things and prioritise your mental health, for them.

It sounds like DH doesn’t care that you are struggling with being a solo mum whilst he is away for weeks on end. He shuts you down and says narcissistic things like “you’re making me depressed if you bring it up again”

Basically making you put up and shut up.

You say you want to settle for the kids rather than keep moving them around, if that’s in their best interest and you know in your heart it’s too much for them then put them first.

I don’t know if DH is cheating or not, but there are so many other issues going on here.

With you snooping around and DH being uncaring and unhelpful, I just don’t see how this marriage is going to last as it is.

Surely that’s enough to make you think, I don’t want to bring the kids up like this x

Yeah, you are right.
Thank you.

Such an insightful & caring post. Thank you for your contribution.

Putting aside the search history, what he said to you was absolutely horrible and is grounds on it's own to leave him. Once he said what he said, to me there would absolutely be no going back from there. This search history is the very least of your concerns. Is he having an affair? Probably, but after what he said, even an affair is not the most pressing concern you have. I'd leave him based on what he said. Nothing else.

What did he say that you'd leave for?
I mean, I know he's been horrible lately, just wondering which part would be it for you?

The He came home telling me I've not been a good wife for years
part. I replied to that in my post at Yesterday 12:43

People are so quick to throw away marriages. All marriages will go through rough patches over a lifetime. If you have suspicions investigating is just sensible. If it turns out your wrong and there’s an innocent explanation, the trust can be rebuilt over time. Looking on an iPad is not something to throw a marriage away for!

This is a very good question.

For once a sensible reply!

Ok, yes. I've re read that post.
Absolutely, he has been very horrible lately. And I am completely leaning towards leaving.
It's like when he's being really nice I struggle and worry I'm making a mistake.
Which I know is extremely silly of me.
That's why I wanted proper evidence I guess, then there'd be no going back.
But actually having no respect for me and telling me I'm rubbish when, actually I'm absolutely not. Just at home looking after the kids, being loyal to him..all I do really.
What exactly is so terrible that I've done? Nothing.

This. Honestly, that behaviour smacks of someone who is playing away but is justifying it in his head by running down his marriage and relationship with you.

He keeps saying things like "I don't feel loved you don't love me anymore, you don't want to be with me anymore. Needing constant reassurance.

Also being overly sexual with me alot of the time.

I don't know if any of this is relevant..

Guilty conscience, I reckon. I expect the crush/affair is over, he realises he's been an arsehole to you, and now wants you to make him feel better about it all.

He is laying the groundwork for his disloyal behaviour being YOUR FAULT. Clear as day.

The overly sexual thing is so he can say "how can you think I'm having an affair? I'm literally all over you!"

It's so transparent it's pathetic. Laughable if it wasn't your actual, real life.

I'm sorry.

If he’s forces and you live on the patch there will be rumours. Ask your trusted friends what they’ve heard. Because trust me those men talk! The other wives always heard about the cheats. Years ago us wives always found out if a husband cheated because a lot of men gossip as much as they accuse woman of doing! Especially after a few pints! Women meeting up would usually let something slip.

Just want to add some context

No answer for the gorgeous thing, but habibi can be used between male/male or female friends. It’s a term of endearment, not just love.

The shadiness about his iPad would make me pause

Habibi is a term of endearment in Arabic. It can be used between friends, family and partners.

Male friends will even say it to each other

I’d be asking myself why he wipes everything
get your finances in order
and prepare yourself
x

My father was in the army. I just read that part.

They’re well known for sleeping with everything. Obviously you know your husband tho. I’d dig until I found my answer.

Dont wait for him to tell you his code. Watch him and work it out.

SMH.

The fundamentalists have arrived.

The male friend he says he wrote that to is not Arabic, it's just a second language he learned a bit of.

And he couldn't find the email he said he sent it in to show the op his friend was really the recipient anyway. He apparently forgot he didn't end up sending it.

Alongside looking up a definition of "gorgeous" ... Which no English speaker needs to look up....it looks dodgy.

As does his new, extreme security measures on his phone.

If there was nothing to hide why would he need to wipe the iPad and unsync??
The advice I was always given by my grandmother was if your gut it telling you something is off, you'd better believe it!
Men are masters at projection and gaslighted, accusing us of being overly suspicious and paranoid. You're not. You have a legitimate cause for concern.
Also, I work in a male dominated industry and we banter. Never, not once, have we said I love you in English or any language as banter! 🙈