Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

Trust your gut instincts it never lies, people do.

The question is where do you go from here next?

are you happy (except this situation) overall in your marriage?

This kind of situation is so distressing. I think you were right to have snooped, as you're married to him and he wouldn't open up about something suspicious like googling I love you in Arabic. A lot of people are judgmental of snooping, but I would never have found out something horrific about my ex if I hadn't trusted my gut. Anyhow, I think the only way to resolve this is to be upfront about it and tell him you didn't believe the whole friend thing. But before confronting him, you need to think about what you really want out of that conversation. Have you thought about what you're going to do if he actually has wronged you? Or if he hasn't? It's best to be sensible about it and really think things through, as you don't want to throw your relationship away.

How does his phone not spell gorgeous for him? All phones automatically spell check now

Very good point.

I think he used the time he had with the new code to wipe all evidence/ do a data cleanup. He’s found a more secure way to communicate going forward.

No need to Google gorgeous if you can’t spell it—that’s what auto correct is for. Flimsy excuse.

I'm confused as to why he hides his codes from you. Does he know yours? If not, why not? Me and my DH know each others. But then, we have nothing to hide...

1. You felt justified in snooping
2. He has deleted everything
3. He is gaslighting you by making you feel guilty via an argument.
4. He keeps everything locked
5. You don't feel you are able to approach him
6. Your gut is telling you something is wrong
7. He couldn't back up his alleged Google evidence
8. He wiped everything so you couldn't find out more
9. Being in the services doesn't stop you from cheating abroad, or using it as an excuse/lie to be abroad and meet someone.

That's an unhealthy relationship and I would walk.

A healthy relationship relies on trust, equality, sharing etc. Being able to approach one another, treating one another with kindness, being made to feel worthy. - There is none of this here. You can't even ask for his passwords and he deletes everything. This is enough evidence to point at having an affair. Tell him you want the truth, or for him to just leave if he's so unhappy. Otherwise, your mood will start effecting the children.

Surely the fact hes got a password for his phone that you dont know says it all really? Thats the biggest red flag ever! Hes hiding something!

He was preparing for the split and will blame it on you arguing. Those searches are clear evidence. Don’t listen to the it’s innocent and nothing comments. It isn’t and that’s undoubtedly the tip of the iceberg. Get ready to split up.

There are plenty of people who live in the UK that speak Arabic not just people who live away so it may be closer to home than you think... not saying he is having an affair but just getting that out there

Your marriage is already wrecked if there's is no trust. Why keep beating a dead horse?

You either decide to believe him, decide to trust him and work on the marriage with actually healthy communication styles. Or you decide you don't believe him, don't trust him and end the marriage.

I highly recommend the book "hold me tight" if you both decide to recommit to this marriage.

I haven't read everything but I have read all of your posts OP. I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned the gaslighting/manipulating of saying that your behaviour is upsetting him, to deflect the fact that he's fucking with you. That's a big red flag to me.

I think people come on to mumsnet and ask because they already have the gut feeling thar something is off. When you start finding clues they usually want to get caught. I know people that have managed to have affairs for years without their partner knowing.

You were stupid to give the phone back

Would you be OK with him checking all your devices, I bet mumsnet wouldn't, he would be accused of being controlling.

Controlling? How is it controlling! Checking something isn’t controlling…being suspicious about a partner you trust your life with is not a nice feeling to have. I gladly offered my devices for partner to look through, as I don’t have anything to hide. Checking devices for infidelity is not the same as checking every single thing on devices, you are looking for specifics..not reading everything on said devices.
please will people comment on,y if they’ve been in said situation.
OP, you are being gaslighted, blame shifted. Trust your gut, ask him out right, decide what you want to do, try counselling both of you and see what happens.

Y'all can access to each other's bodies but not your phones? Privacy indeed when the actual private part aren't private! How weird! OP don't let no one guilt trip you into feeling bad for checking or "snooping" your husband's phone....It's clear something is going on. Who goes around telling their colleagues I love you? Why does he have a password you don't know? You need that password and access to his bank accounts! Your answers lie there

sorry I’ve not read all the thread but my initial thoughts are

is he thinking of a tattoo? I love you in Arabic is a normal tattoo!
Or has he seen a tattoo of it and is checking that’s what it says?
Or is he checking song lyrics (Gorgous meaning) and wanting to work out what song it is from as it’s stuck in his head!
Has he been watching a quiz show and checking the answers? ie what is another word for gorgeous?
Personally I Google all sorts of stuff such as sayings off a film or tv show that would look very strange on a Google search but is in fact me just thinking stuff!!

I think you should get a sti test. I live near a base used for training. My girlfriends and I have had a few military “friends” over the years. They often suggested we shouldn’t use condoms (Don't be silly; wrap your willie!). I think that a lot of them have the attitude that shagging is the least dangerous thing they do, so they don’t bother with condoms. Unfortunately, this means that they are more likely to have sti. Try to get tested just at the end of your period. It’s when the swabs are most likely to pick up any sti.

I have also had the unpleasant experience of finding out about their secret families, which was upsetting for me as I felt used and lied to. But, it must be far worse for their wives.

I also struggle to spell gorgeous (dyslexic), but done it just then in this post, and in most goodnight text to my partner without googling. Phones have predicted text. No need to Google, it is as likely to come up when you start typing in watsapp or whatever as it is in Google search. Sorry OP but this explanation he has given is not an explanation at all

His evasiveness would be enough for me. I'm a retired female military officer and to be blunt, cheating is rife in the forces. I would bet my next retirement check that he has either cheated or wants to. Sorry, OP.

Everything else to one side, it doesn't sit right with me that he not only has a lock for his phone and you don't know the password but he also deleted everything.. I couldn't keep quite if it was me, I'd have to ask my DH what in the world is going on!

While I think phones should be very private etc, if he's got a password he's hiding something. Me and my husband know each others passwords to everything, not that we would go using them, but we have nothing to hide.

My hubby and I know each others Lock codes.
We've nothing to hide

Blaming you for his depression could be to help him internally justify his cheating. I’m sorry but googling how to say I love you in Arabic whilst visiting a country that speaks Arabic is surely all the proof you need? He also seems more intent on clearing devices and maintaining his lifestyle than convincing you.

Also if he can show you how he uses the word gorgeous constantly then there’s no need for him to be looking it up…… he clearly needed the meaning to help someone who doesn’t speak English as their first language.