Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

I do find it a bit suspicious on his part that you don't know his passcode. Does he never unlock his phone when he's next to you? I know my DHs because when he wants to unlock it, he just does it next to me. Also when I've wanted to look something up but my phone is in the other room, he'd just tell me it if I'd forgotten and same goes the other way around.

Does he read messages when they come through when he's next to you or wait until he's moved away/turn the screen away from you?

Before all this, would he have let you borrow his phone?

If he's always been secretive with his phone, that would be a big red flag for me.

It's illegal to go through someone's phone without consent.

If he gives you permission to do it then I would take the permission and do it there and then.

If he has continually given you permission then it could be argued in court that consent was given.

I'd also be really careful that you are protected in this relationship.

Yeah get him to message his friend I love you in Arabic and see the reply he gets back. Who is this friend? Do they really speak Arabic? This sounds like a big pile of BS to me. More like he thought you were going to dump him so he's got himself a bit on the side so he could move straight on.

Well it's definitely suspicious. Who tells their friends they love them in a different language?! Unless he's secretly gay, or he's bi, i think Chris is Christina.

His explanation just makes no sense at all.

Haha
I mean, he and his friends can be weird to be fair. It's not completely ridiculous but it is a bit random and very suspicious that he said he could show me the message but then couldn't.
And you'd think he might show me other similar messages to put my mind at rest but he didn't.
I might ask though

I've never met this friend but I do know he has a friend who speaks Arabic...

That does make sense. He kept saying he thought he was losing me and I wouldn't be here when he got back.

I never said any of that though so it's absolutely no excuse

Well it's definitely very odd! I'd be worried because he said he didn't think you'd be there when he got back, so maybe he thought he didn't have anything to lose by hitching up with someone else while he was away?
I certainly don't buy the whole friend banter bit.

Yeah exactly.
And if he genuinely thought that and did something, then realised I wasn't going anywhere, it explains why he was so off and distant then back to normal with me.
Like he had something going on then broke it off or something.

Yeah exactly.
And if he genuinely thought that and did something, then realised I wasn't going anywhere, it explains why he was so off and distant then back to normal with me.
Like he had something going on then broke it off or something.

Quite possibly yeah. I'd have to try to get to the bottom of it if I was in this situation and confront it head on.

My thought was he had told someone they were gorgeous, they'd asked what it meant and for some reason he felt the need to google the literal meaning?

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Is he saying the colleague he "banters" with by saying I love you in Arabic is male or female?

If male, I'd say that's beyond unlikely.
At all, but especially somewhere where you really don't want to be accused of homosexual inclinations or activities.

If female, I wouldn't say it's just banter.

Where was he working?

The collegue is male.
He'd googled the i love you thing here, not when he was away.
I've seen his friends be weird together like kiss each other and be a bit odd...it's quite normal in the military although he's never really been like that. So it isn't extremely ridiculous but I agree it's very random and extremely strange he can't show me the message he was so sure he'd sent.

If it's the ME, it's hard to imagine him striking up a flirtation or affair with a woman from the Middle East "proper" because of the culture, but I suppose there are lots of other Arabic speaking countries from which people emigrate to work in the ME; which would not have quite the same culture (& a woman might indulge in flirtation or an affair more readily).

What would you do?
I don't know what I can do to find out more

Not the middle east.
I don't know if I can say where.
But when I suggested this, he did say the women wouldn't be able to do that...but he also said they don't speak arabic there, which they absolutely do...or say Google says. Maybe he knows different because he's been there but does seem odd.
But yeah it could be someone he worked with or someone from another culture. But then why the Arabic.
Arrhh

Sounds like the definition of deflecting to me.

He thought he was losing you so he's deciding to act like this? So it's your fault? If only you were more loving/attentive/caring/worshipping of him he wouldn't be behaving this way?

And now i expect he's got you talking about what you can do different, and he's neatly OFF the subject of what he's done.

I've seen his friends be weird together like kiss each other and be a bit odd...it's quite normal in the military although he's never really been like that.

So he's in the military?

Well, if he's never been like that, it seems unlikely he's just suddenly started engaging in homoerotic banter & sarcasm.

Also, as you say, how come he can't find the message/s with this banter? There is no proof he sent that to a male work colleague.

Maybe he's involved in an online flirtation/"relationship" with a woman who's first language is Arabic.

As I understand it, a lot of military men go on online dating etc sites when away, regardless of their relationship status.

This is unhelpful and obtuse. OP is suspicious, and feels that she has grounds for her suspicions, but also feels that there are potentially reasonable explanations (even if she can’t articulate them) and so does not want to proceed with anything so heavy handed that it cannot be taken back. She is, in short, proceeding cautiously, so that she can satisfy her anxiety without causing any damage, and is asking for advice about this.

Yes this is absolutely what has been happening.
He came home telling me I've not been a good wife for years, I've paid him no attention, I don't care about him.
But he says he felt all this because of how I was behaving when he was away. I was just wanting to make changes to our life, nothing to do with our relationship but I wasn't happy with certain aspects and he was annoyed about this and it caused some fights.
I never realised it was as bad as he suggested though. Said I destroyed him...

Thank you.
This is exactly the case

He came home telling me I've not been a good wife for years, I've paid him no attention, I don't care about him.

That is cheater script.

To me it sounds like he had an affair or some sort, is justifying it to himself, and the web searches suggest he's continued communicating online.

I'd hate to hear the analogy of my search history and why I might have googled the strange shit I do.
Id probably be sectioned, goodness knows how I'd explain most of them, all innocent though, it's just my strange mind.
Sometimes I do even google words and the meaning behind them and also how to say things in other languages, I would be stumped to explain why if my husband read it and wanted answers.

I don't know how I can get any evidence though.

I don't know if I can say where.
But when I suggested this, he did say the women wouldn't be able to do that...but he also said they don't speak arabic there, which they absolutely do...or say Google says. Maybe he knows different because he's been there

If you can say, it might be helpful to work out if he's lying a out then not speaking Arabic at all, and the likelihood of him striking up a relationship there.

He sounds like he's lying about them ot speaking Arabic, you have to wonder why.

What would you do?
I don't know what I can do to find out more

I'd sit him down and tell him I want to know the truth because none of it is adding up.