Husband weird search history

[Picklingpickles]

My husband has been away for work for a while.

We were fighting alot whilst he was away for various reasons. He was saying I was making him extremely upset, he developed depression, wasn't taking care of himself because of me and our arguments. He felt he was losing me apparently.

when he came back he was extremely distant and differnt with me. This was a few weeks ago. Hes being much more normal with me now and it feels like we're getting more back to normal.

But...when he came home and was acting so strangely I had a little snoop on his iPad. I don't know his phone code so can't check that. It didn't have much on it but it had some of his search history.

I didn't find much but I found a couple of weird things:

A search for "how to say I love you in arabic"
A search for "gorgeous meaning"

He is English...

I asked him about the I love you and he told me he'd sent it to his friend from work who speaks Arabic. I said that's weird. He said they always say I love you..just as banter or something. He said he can show me the message.
I said yes please. He couldn't find it. He tells me he must have thought he sent it but didn't in the end.

I have no other information. He's got locks on everything and I can't check.

I did ask to see his phone in anger and he did pass it to me. I then felt awkward and gave it back.

What are you thinking?
What would you do, if anything?
Do you think this is something?
What is it?!

And if he is thick he will be none the wiser about you're up to! Lol!!!!

Yes friend is male.
And like I'd said, I have seen them kiss each other, smack each other's bums ect. It's just how they are in that job I guess.
So it isn't an absolute impossible thing. Just that he'd said he'd sent it but didn't in the end..again possible but more unlikely

What's happened is he's put the literal definition of the word gorgeous into google translate and shown it to her in Arabic. Sorry.

Well, he just might not want you to see the messages they share because they might be close to the knuckle. I am not married, but I assume that married people are also entitled to privacy?

Aw I was hoping you were a second marriage with older kids (not with each other) or similar.

Well .... His general behaviour is still not acceptable.

And all this this makes it appear very much like he's cheated/ing.

If you want out - and anyone can want out for any reason, that's your right/prerogative; you don't have to prove anything. No court of law assesses your justification for ending a marriage (in any meaningful way), they just rubber stamp "irreconcilable differences" or time separated with agreement (and I think it's 5 years even without both party's agreement).

His behaviour would not exactly make anyone feel secure in a marriage (not even the searches), just the nastiness and - I'm presuming - the unfair accusations/criticisms against you.

The dodgy searches and bizarre lies are just another shit show (though the above behaviour and the script also point to infidelity, I think).

I didn't want to see any other messages
I asked about the I love you thing.
He said "I sent that to chris, I can show you the message"
I said yes and he looked and said oh I must have never sent it. I thought i had.

I think he said he could show you the message to plant this seed of doubt in your mind 'oh he was going to show me the message so he mustnt be guilty', which is exactly whats happened.

You dont need definite proof to leave, if that's what you're thinking of doing.

Defo an affair!

I'd be worried I'd leave and he hadn't done anything wrong. I know that's unlikely but I don't know for sure.
But his behaviour has been so shady so I am leaning towards it.
It's so hard

I would find it extremely odd if I found my DH was messaging a colleague, male or female, saying I love you in their own language & just as odd loking up the meaning of gorgeous at a similar time. I'm sorry to say my instinct especially given the rest of your post OP, is there is far more to this than meets the eye.

@Picklingpickles the code is used as a backup as facial recognition doesn’t always work and also doesn’t work when you have switched the phone off and on again. Has he changed the code as well? If not, the old one will work when recognition fails, which it will when you look at it. If you can get in, you can train it on your face as well (not suggesting you do this, just letting you know).

Oh wow.
So he told me the code is the same he just added recognition...
The code is definitely different

And even if he had to change it for security..why would he tell me its the same

Yeah, it could have been a little act.

Can I be honest?

You both don’t seem like you’re in a happy marriage.

He says that you’ve made him depressed and upsetting him. That the arguments are ruining his mental health.

Then he acts weird when he is home and you snoop.

He might be cheating, sounds possible but that’s not the only issue here.

Neither of you sound happy. You don’t trust him. I have never ever felt the need to check DH phone and I think the second you start that, it’s the beginning of the trust being broken.

You say you don’t want to leave if he is innocent, but why are you both putting up with a unhappy marriage?

You need to have a decent sit down chat together, couples therapy or something like that. If you want it to work.

OP, could you 'lose' your own phone, and ask to borrow his, then he'd either have to get you in himself, or tell you the code?

I know that you're looking for absolute proof, but assuming you've told us everything, and the vast majority of posters, have concluded that he either is cheating, or has done so, but perhaps ended it, would make me even more sure that my instincts were right. In which case, bearing in mind your stance that if he has cheated, it's automatically over, then I'd be inclined to be ending the relationship, as he's clearly given you reason not to trust him, otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place, and the more questions you've been asked, the more suspicious you've become, so clearly things aren't right between you. However, only you know whether it's bad enough to take the plunge and end it.

Yes friend is male.
And like I'd said, I have seen them kiss each other, smack each other's bums ect. It's just how they are in that job I guess.

But he generally did not act like that, I think you said.

Anyway . . This friend speaks Arabic as his first or second language??

Is Chris a pseudonym for a guy of Arabic or similar extraction who speaks Arabic?

Otherwise why has he randomly chosen Arabic to send bantery, homo erotic comments to his mate in?

Which also just happens to be the local language where he was, but he says it not - even though online searches say it is.

Also interesting that he, an English speaker, needs to look up a definition of gorgeous.

Yeah he's not massively like that.
Friend speaks Arabic as a second language. He's English but learned it for a job I believe

I think if a male colleague kissed my DH & smacked his bum he'd let them off the first time with a look. The second time, let's say it wouldn't happen again 🤦‍♀️😂

Ok, but he still can't show you that message - he apparently didn't send it and forgot he didn't send it.

He's still looked up a definition of gorgeous - which an English speaker wouldn't need

He's still given you the cheater's script; e.g. you're an awful person/wife, history rewrite etc

He's still been off, argumentative, unpleasant etc etc.

He's still upped the security on his phone.

And he's still totally inexplicably lied about the local language where he was not being Arabic.

I'm sure a man could deal with that himself, if he wasn't comfortable with it.

Op, if you don't mind, would you PM the country?

I feel like I might be able to give better advice if I know.

If you don't want to, no worries.

I would find a causal way to ask for his phone code e.g. when you’re out, say your battery died and can you quickly look up if there’s a boots nearby as you need to get tampons or in the car ask to use his phone for google maps as your battery’s low or just “forget” your phone at home one day. If he’s defensive about it you know he’s hiding something. If he isn’t you can go back later and check it. He’ll probably delete everything that day knowing you know his code but leave it a few weeks and check back… at some point he’ll let his guard down.

Or it could be a romance scammer he fallen in with. Just had this with FIL. Keep a very, very, very close eye on all your bank and savings accounts.

Sorry hadn’t read all the posts before replying! If you can get into his phone (by borrowing it for something one time and him letting you in) go into settings and add an yourself as facial recognition - you can have more than one person. DH are open about using each others phones so we both have facial recognition on both.

I agree with this.
Plus I think it's possible that a person might google something to send to a friend as a joke but then decide to not bother sending it.