DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

Hmmm I think as she still lives at home it might be a bit hurtful if everyone ups sticks for Christmas Day.

Ask her?

Why cant she get the time off work? Is she rostered on for that period

Ask her instead of mn?

“It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.”

So DD has used up all her annual leave? And she works in a job she has to work Christmas Day? It’s her issue really as an adult to organise things, check what the plan is for Christmas, etc. I’d say it’s her own fault really.

I think it’s ok once she leaves home .. you can go Boxing Day so just go then ?

I think once they move out it would be ok but can't exclude them if still living at home.

Do you mean conflicted about going Xmas day or going at all?

I'd go 26th or 27th if she is working anyway. I wouldn't leave her on Xmas

Talk to her say we were thinking of going away would you prefer we do that later in the year when you can come?
But if she has a bf she may be happy to spend time alone with them !

Wow! You’d put a holiday before your daughter who lives at home?

Can’t you just go as normal this year and do it over Christmas next year? Usually, working over Christmas is voluntary or on rotation so she’s unlikely to be working next year unless it’s her choice. You can give her the option now to go away with you, or work and make alternative plans.

ASK?

I am a middle aged mother, I have been living in my own home for many many years. I still get a call from my parents asking about Christmas plans 😂
Everyone is welcome to make their own, but... we communicate so we know. Doesn't anyone do that? If my parents plan to go travelling for Christmas, they just let us know...

I have asked her and she says she's happy for us to go, but her face told a different story.

I know that we can't go for Christmas Day so that's a moot point.

We've always been just the four of us for Christmas as there is no one else.

Even when she's been in relationships it's always been just us for Christmas Day.

She is old enough to ask.

Would you prefer we all had Christmas day together or would you be happy to go to your boyfriends. We would love either.

Bit harsh to leave someone at home on Christmas Day imo.

Sorry cross post.

Well if her face tells a different story, don't go.

We've always been just the four of us for Christmas as there is no one else.

This makes it even harsher!
You can go to the lakes literally any time. Why would you choose location vs your daughter being on her own on Christmas Day?

I think it depends a bit on whether she is working at Xmas because it's an industry where it's just part of the job and difficult to get time off at that time (a and e or works in a cathedral or something) or whether she's in more of a 9 to 5 job but been disorganized and hasn't planned leave and now run out of days.

In the situation that she fully expected to be spending Christmas with you, then making plans she can't join in with feels cold. I'd be hurt.

Maybe make it clear that next year you want to do that and ask her to book off her leave early so she can join. However, depending on her job it might be luck of the drawer getting time off (nursing, hospitality...) and might be unable to come.

Christmas is a big deal to me and my family, others are less fussed so depends on that too.

Just to be clear we are going away on Boxing Day so will have Christmas Day together.

She obviously has Christmas Day off but has used most of her holiday entitlement to go away throughout the year which is great.

We could go away another time but it's become a bit of a tradition to go away between Christmas and new year, she knows this

Stay with your daughter at Christmas, for as many years as she wants to be with you,is the answer to your question about the right time to leave them.
The time when she leaves home and has a partner/kids of her own, will come around soon enough.

But harsh of pp to say dd has used all her holiday snd therefore it's her own fault - she may work in a job where everyone wants Christmas off but it's a job where someone has to be on duty.

About 15 years ago my parents went away to Jamaica for Christmas. My sister went to stay at her boyfriend's, she said I could go with her but I'd never met them before and Christmas in random strangers' house sounds like my idea of hell, so I went to London by myself for a couple of days instead. We just did "family Christmas" in November and did our traditional things then. Sister is a doctor, as is her now husband, so that has had to happen a few more times since due to work arrangements. I mean now our mum has died and sister has a 3yo so lots has changed anyway. But the 25th is just an arbitrary day!

OR shes in a workplace where parents get first dibs on the holiday leave including Christmas. We have seen enough threads about this in the past.

I think YABU. Sounds like she works in a job where it's needed to work over Christmas, many of us are also in this boat. To say 'she knows this' like she is intentionally spiting you all by choosing to work instead of holiday? I think it would be very harsh to leave her or make her feel guilty over this. Like you say, lives at home and nobody else to be with.

Is she sure that Christmas leave isn’t decided later? I worked in a 365 day job and Christmas leave wasn’t even looked at until end of October!!

She doesn't have to work over the Christmas period but has used her holiday entitlement for other reasons which is fair enough.

I should add her DF wasn't able to take a chunk of holiday last year (apart from obviously Christmas Day and Boxing Day) so she did know we were hoping to get away.