DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

Maybe just plan for next year and let her know that she needs to ensure she has annual leave or she won't be able to join.

Can't see anything wrong with going boxing day or 27th this year?

This

So she 'dips in and out of family holidays' and she's used all her leave for other reasons?

So obviously the traditional post Christmas family trip away is no longer a priority for her, so to answer the question 'when is it ok to make plans not including children' then that time is now.

Can you accrue any toil or take a few days off unpaid.?

This might get me a flaming but can a young adult who still lives at home really be considered 'fully independent'?

I absolutely treasure the memories of nuclear family Christmases in my young adulthood before my sister and I met our husbands. I'd be heartbroken to think that they had 'worn a bit thin' for my mum.

Just leave the morning of the 27th.

These Christmas celebrations that are wearing a bit thin, you are running out of them. It will not be very long that you will be lucky if your children attend alternating years. They may not even be able to coordinate their visits to the same time.

You aren't going to be gone for Christmas day, I think a lot of people are missing that very important part.

I think it's fine to spend Christmas day with her then go on your holiday. She will prob be meeting up with her bf/ friends/ going out over the 'between' days anyway. At 23, I didn't live at home but did go home a lot. I would have been really upset if they went away without me Christmas day but the between days would be fine.

Make it clear now next Christmas 2025 what your plans will be - heading away for Xmas and tell dc they need to let you know if they want included in the plans to b away over the Xmas period

You aren't going to be gone for Christmas day, I think a lot of people are missing that very important part

The OP feels conflicted because she wants to be away on Christmas Day though?

I would stay home for the day and make is as special as you can when she gets home from work. I don't think there is anything wrong with heading away on the 27th if you have made an effort on the 25th. She may have been a bit thoughtless not keeping a vacation at Christmas a priority or she may have had no choice, but if the former, well, 20 somethings are a bit thoughtless. I wouldn't hold it against her. I will always make Christmas plans that include my adult children unless they tell me otherwise but we love Christmas! Make your plans for next year, tell her about them and let her know if she wants to be included, she has to make it happen. That is all part and parcel of being an adult!

Me too as a young adult.

But now I look back on my parents and feel bad that they might not have actually wanted to replicate our nuclear family Christmas each and every year 😂

I'll always do it for as long as my children want it, doesn't have to mean I might want to change it a little.

For example, we will ALWAYS have a rack of venison Christmas Day.
I suggested another meat last year and was lambasted by my children with cries of 'but that's what we've always had!'

They don't do change easily!!

I'd love to have a goose one year but I'm met with death stares if we dare to deviate!!!

@treadingonlego but she says 'Just to be clear we are going away on Boxing Day so will have Christmas Day together.'

Well in that case, no. I wouldn’t.

I think you've made the right decision to not go without her.

You are entering the time when you will no longer be able to guarantee a "just the 4 of us" Christmas as your kids get older and start having families of their own

DD needs to accept that if she works in an industry where businesses need their premises to be staffed over Christmas then she will need to take a fair share of Christmases where she works. Most businesses keep track of who knuckled down and did the Christmas work with good will one year, and make sure they are prioritised for Christmas leave the next year, assuming that there is flex for some people to have some time off.

As a family, you need to accept that as long as DD works in such an industry, she won't be able to join you for christmas every year.

Given that she can't get any leave over Christmas at all, it doesn't make that much difference whether you go on Boxing Day or make the break over Christmas day itself - if you are going to continue your tradition of going away during the Christmas period every year then some years DD won't be joining you.

In your position I would keep to going away on Boxing Day in any year when DD has to work on Christmas Day, so that at least she doesn't have that special day alone, and only go away on days including Christmas Day in years when she can get leave.

I just wondered when it would be reasonable to make plans for a Christmas DH & I might like.

Traditions can evolve over time as children age, partners enter the picture or people pass away. So what is it that you and DH want to do over Christmas that would make it more fun?

Going away between Christmas and NY is fine in my opinion. Your DD has used her annual leave for other things, part of having your first job is working out priorities for annual leave. The only exception is if she’s used her annual leave doing things for career advancement so additional training not supported by work or volunteering. If she’s been having a lovely time travelling and binge watching Netflix, then she chose her priorities and next year she knows she needs to keep some for Christmas.

How you communicate what you want at Christmas needs to be done carefully. DH and I would have been about 25, both moved out for a few years and already alternating christmases. FIL told us that he didn’t want us to visit on Christmas Day as that was his and MIL’s time now to just do what they want. Except for when we had kids. Now we’ve got kids, we don’t visit and won’t visit again. However, if he’d said we like to have some time together alone over the Christmas period we could take that into account when visiting and keep our visit to 24-26th. It also works both ways so you can’t want to do change traditions without allowing your daughters to change traditions, so not kicking up a fuss when they decide to spend it with their partners.

Then surely she's made her decision?

Though it might have been helpful if you'd spoken about it when she was booling all her leave

If you're going to be together Christmas Day then why can't she then go to the boyfriend's?

If you go away either Boxing Day, or a day or two later, @drivinmecrazy, would you be away over the following weekend, and if so, would your dd be able to come and join you for the weekend? Might that be a reasonable compromise?

Well that's your choice but I think its a bit nuts. Since I was around 21 (am now 50) I've only spent a handful of Christmases with my parents and neither they nor I could care less. I look forward to the day when I am not tied myself and both my children and I can do our own thing or something different which may or may not be together. It's really just another time of year, not some yoke around your neck.

'DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner'

Sounds like she'll have all the company she needs...😆

My DD is 25 and likely to be in the same boat. She is moving back home for a year from Aug and trying to save money. Her work as a junior doctor means she may well have to work. If so I will certainly stay at home around Christmas - my sister isn’t best pleased as she wants us to go to my niece at Xmas - not much I can do! I wouldn’t leave DD on her own …

I have asked her and she says she's happy for us to go, but her face told a different story.

then she, as an adult, needs to "use her words" 🙄

I know someone who’s children have got used to be waited on hand and foot over Xmas period and they threw a hussy fit when it was suggested the mum and dad did something else on their own - they’re early 30s😱

That's what I think.

A family Christmas wasn't a priority for her (fair enough). I'd be telling her that next Christmas, you will be going away as per usual, and she can plan her Christmas holidays accordingly if she wants to join you.

why don't you just tell them? They are both adults now and things change. Surely, as they have got older you have changed things a bit? We used to do all the kid stuff but as they got older we switched things up to the Christmas we all wanted, which meant some compromises but we were all clear about what we wanted, and what we were prepared to do.

Best was when we started the Drunk Jenga Christmas Eves with cocktails.