DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

Agree if it was last minute, but if it's a fairly regular arrangement and one that was agreed last Christmas, then the onus was in her to book the leave, and not used it elsewhere.

They certainly do. And sometimes it’s for the best.

my parents starte to go away when i was about 20- i think you shoul start doing what you want if shes used up her holiday she clearly didnt thin about xmas did she

Non argument she has got the day off on Christmas day. She decided to use up her holiday days and now the op has to adjust her plans. The op must have felt a bit put out because her and her husband enjoy the break away or else she wouldn't be posting.

Some of these comments are absolutely wild!

I'd have felt mortified if as an adult my parents felt they had to run their holiday plans past me, especially having invited me already and me declining to go.

And not everyone loves christmas day as a group. I hate it. My ideal is just us 2 at home with our dogs. Sometimes I have to spend it with family and don't enjoy it. The OP just wants to try doing her own thing after 23 years of family Christmases, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

For next year, discuss it at the beginning of the holiday year and ask if she wants to save some hol for the Christmas period.

If she says yes, go for Christmas Day as planned.

So she's used all her holiday leave but face dropped when you mentioned going away as you usually do.

What did she expect to happen ? You'd change her our plans & stay home cos she had holidays of her choosing throughout the year ? Book your holiday & have a great time

Maybe she'll make a different choice next year

Spent 1 Xmas away from my parents (for dinner) and I never intend to again… I’m early 40’s 😂. We have Xmas morning at home then go to theirs from 12 til 10

The rest of the holiday - do as you wish! She doesn’t get to dictate if she hasn’t planned holidays appropriately ☺️

I'm not without any sympathy regarding the face dropping but for me that doesn't make it unreasonable for the parents to want to do something different. OP if the traditional Christmas is getting too much for you now isn't a bad time to broach the subject.

She is 23 and still living at home. Well aware of family tradition yet failed to consult yet alone plan holiday leave accordingly whilst knowing what happened previous year ? Yes there are industries where parents get first dibs on Xmas holidays but if she had put in early enough no doubt would have got the leave - she chose not to and/or spent her holiday entitlement other ways. There is also the aspect maybe she gets more pay for working over that holiday period. Now wants to dictate where you are all going to be this year - No as massive disrespect for family unit. Time to spread her wings and learn a valuable lesson. Otherwise you will no longer have any control in your house or any plans for the future. It's time for you and your husband to start reliving your lives given their ages - children should respect that.

Personally l think that you should treasure the time you have with your DD over Christmas when she wants to spend it with someone else you will miss her.

I don’t know what this post is about. DD has to work on Xmas day. So as happened in previous years DM and family go to the Lakes on Boxing Day.
Seems DM wants to blame DD and her employer for spoiling her plans to go away on Xmas Day. It’s just one day for heaven’s sake.
No doubt DD looked upset that this change of plan sprung on her without warning and not asking her if she was ok with it

You’ve answered your own question!
You should stay home Christmas Day and see her before/after her shift!
I’m pretty sure she won’t want to be a spare wheel hanging around with her best friend and her best friends boyfriend on Christmas Day!! I would absolutely hate that!! And you’re assuming her best friends family would be happy with this too…
I can’t imagine ever wanting to go away and not spend Christmas with my parents or daughter.

I'd love to have a goose one year but I'm met with death stares if we dare to deviate!!!

@drivinmecrazy oh god don't do goose. We always fancied doing one but DM and DMiL were unhappy with the idea. The first Christmas after they had both passed away we decided to have a goose year. Meh! It wasn't terrible but it wasn't as nice as what we normally did.

In your case I am intrigued that you are held to tradition by your children. In our case I think we are still sticking to tradition because of FIL (93).When he is no longer with us I think (I hope!) we all might be ready to consider some change in the way we do things.

My sibling, in there 40s, and I have not lived at home for 20yrs but if one of us is working Christmas the rest of the family alters plans to suit.

Her choice to use up holiday. There are hundreds of 1000s of people who work in industries where you get no choice about working on Christmas day etc. Feels pretty entitled

@MMAS Yes there are industries where parents get first dibs on Xmas holidays but if she had put in early enough no doubt would have got the leave

This is just quite frankly not true. I don't know about the OP's daughter, but we cannot put in early holiday requests for the three week period over Christmas, our manager sends out a request sheet around September and we find out October/November if we've had any days approved. I know plenty of workplaces with similar systems, or worse (e.g. retail/hospitality with a blanket ban on leave in December).

Not everyone feels this way about Christmas or sees it as this massive occasion of family togetherness. The girl lives with them and sees them every day, I don't think they need to be treasuring anything.

She isn't even a girl, she's a grown woman who doesn't need to be tied to her mother's apron strings 24/7. She made the decision to take her annual leave earlier in the year, did her parents go with her then? She's more than old enough to spend Christmas on her own, with friends or with her boyfriend. So unless she has some health problem that means she can't be left alone, make the most of a quiet Christmas for two, there will soon be partners and grandchildren to disturb the peace and then full on family Christmases can start all over again.

It's certainly a problem isn't it. She is an adult, she is semi-independent, she should really have worked out for herself that if she uses all her holiday time on holidays which don't involve the family she isn't going to have any left for family holiday time over Christmas.

You have already changed your plans so you are home for Christmas Day, but I think you need to have a chat with her at some time about your plans for next Christmas, i.e. Christmas 2025, and say you want to go away over Christmas and you would love her to come with you if she can book the time off.

So many 'adults' are still living at home nowadays even when they are working and living so-called 'independently '. We parents can't put our own lives on hold for them for ever!

I'm still waiting for an invitation to spend Christmas with one of my children, or even for them to let me know what their plans are so I can get on with planning my own time. They are both a LOT over 23 and have lived away from home for many many years. It's time for me to start being a bit more selfish I think, and to just go ahead and book what I want.

DD knowingly used her holiday entitlement to elsewhere so why would you change your plans now? Had she been bothered she’d have booked time off at Xmas.

😂 The OP does appreciate things can't stay the same for ever, it's her that wants them to change! I think she'd love every Xmas to be different from now on.