DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

So you know she wouldn’t be happy if you went? What’s the question again?

Sorry, I misread your post. I thought you were saying if she couldn’t leave her doctor daughter by herself for Christmas, you wouldn’t leave anyone in her medical care. But that’s not what you were saying at all.

Hi OP, there lies your answer!
Oh the hassle of Christmas

My lads are 28 and 25. One left home 11 years ago and the other 4. We all consult each other in holiday plans, especially Christmas ones.

But harsh of pp to say dd has used all her holiday snd therefore it's her own fault - she may work in a job where everyone wants Christmas off but it's a job where someone has to be on duty.
I agree with this. I've got leave left but I know there's a big chance of me working on Christmas day. In fact, such is my job, it is unlikely that I will know until the night before.

I'm OK with this as I know for sure I'll be off for new year and that's when we all go away.

She's 24. You've said she "obviously" doesn't have to work Christmas Day so why can't she join you in the lakes and drive back in time for work?

I'm sure she can leave her on her own, given that the fact she's moving home implies she is living away from her parents currently. But it's kind (and normal?) to want to spend time with your loved ones and cook dinner for shift working partners/parents/children/siblings so they have a Christmas dinner before or after work. DH is a nurse, I wouldn't go for a few nights away and let him come home to an empty house on Christmas Day.

This has answered each and every doubt surely. She looked upset so why the need to ask any more. If it's always been the 4 of you then that's what Christmas means to her. I wouldn't seek to change that for as long as I can.

Both DDs are used to spending the day with us, playing games and eating wonderful food.

To me that sounds the best thing.

OP's daughter decided to use up all her annual leave knowing:

1. Her family always went away over the Christmas period
2. Having no annual leave left would mean she couldn't join them.

Sounds like she just assumed the fam wouldn't dream of going away without her?

I think it's the daughter who hasn't prioritised her family here, not the OP. Surely if she's a nice, unselfish daughter she will want her family to go away on Boxing Day to enjoy the time away they always do? She had different priorities this year - but she has the option of joining them again next year if she allocates her annual leave accordingly.

I think DD is hinting strongly that she'd prefer to forge her own Christmas path at this point in her life.

My oldest two DCs have been in again, off again Christmas visitors for the last few years. Tis the way when they become adults and get jobs/ partners.

Sorry what?!!

Spending Christnas with your children 23 and 18 is wearing a bit thin.

I am so waiting for DD23 to join mumsnet and explain about her issues with her mother

So go the day after Boxing day when DD is back at work.

Just go.
She knows you wanted to get away but still choose to use get leave for other stuff.
You'll have Xmas day together.
She sometimes opts to do her own thing anyway, so you don't have a set in stone tradition.

Character building, and if it's not her best ever Xmas, she'll think carefully about her leave next year.

At that age I had loads of random sometimes lovely sometimes wild Xmas's as I travelled the world. Does you good not to take the family Xmas for granted. 😁

And she'll be fine!

🤣

I couldn't leave my DC at Christmas if they still lived at home. I think the fact you are questioning it tells you your answer.

But if she has Christmas day off, why cant she go?! Im very confused. What has her annual leave have to do with her ability to go away on bank holidays, which both Christmas and Boxing day are????

Lots of people have to work Christmas, but it doesnt seem this is the case... So I dont undertand what the issue is... Surely she can go for Christmas daya nd Boxing day and then come back to work?!?!

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

IMO it's not really about her being a child, more about close family.

We make sure none of our nuclear family are alone at Christmas. There's a plan for everyone, including elderly parents, before we make plans to go off travelling or anything like that.

Is there a possibility that she can work up extra time in lieu to take off over xmas ? Some places allow this

Yes that's the best idea. Go at a different time.

I think OP indicated they were going to do that this year. Though since the daughter didn't prioritise her family's Xmas, I think it would be fair for them still to go.

However, I'd definitely ring in the changes for the next year.

It’s just Christmas. Stay together and go in the new year when everyone is blue and depressed??

OMG! I’d have been really hurt! In fact until I had kids of my own I would be! I still spend Xmas with my family…

This. I was once in a position a bit like this. It was really really hurtful, that no-one had thought about including me in family Christmas plans.

It made me resolve never to rely on any family for a nice Christmas. From then on, I made my own arrangements.

Oh I think it’s really sad to even be considering a christmas away from kids, I’m 26 now with my own child and still can’t imagine not seeing my mum and dad on Christmas Day, and my parents (and us) have still always seen grandparents on Christmas Day. It’s a day for family if ever there is one!